"Ummm...I live with my boyfriend"

"Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip 'em, don't expect no help"
-- Beautiful, Eminem

Hi.

Today started off pretty normal. I got to work a bit late, almost 9am. As I walked past the cafe at the bottom I saw Katie and her friend waiting for coffee. It's earlier than her usual time, but I guess it was because she was going to that CLE thing that started at 9 or 9:30.

After I got into my office, I soon heard Rat talking, I guessed she was talking to Yoshi. When I went to the bathroom I saw that Rat was talking to both Yoshi and Katie just outside the mens room. As I headed to the door Katie looked and smiled at me.

Halfway through the morning I got a message from Stanley asking me to lunch. I had plans with Shuing but he called in sick. I thought about rejecting it as I felt like being alone, but accepted it anyway.

I noticed Katie had returned from the CLE thing, and as I had just finished a brief, I took a funny document to show her. We laughed about it because it showed some guy who threw paper at a customer service officer, and she pretended to be the person throwing the paper in court, lol. I realised that she was getting more comfortable around me and being more animated.

I met up with Stanley at about 12:45 and he had this idea to pick a place on a street nearby, and we ended up in a bloody vegetarian restaurant. Far out. I didn't mind his company, but I got a bit annoyed at the bit where he started talking about how he hangs out with this criminal guy who is like his boss in his side job. He talked about it like it was cool, whereas I was just thinking "I don't want nothing to do with it".

He shouted lunch because it was a small amount and we both had $20 notes.

I was kinda glad to part with him and go back to work. I worked slowly in prepping my hearing. At one point Heath walked past and made a joke, and then I heard him walk into Katie's room and started making her laugh. It did put me down a bit, because I guess I wanted to feel like only I could make her laugh that much.

Some time later, Heath came around again and asked if I saw the good news, and when I said no, he told me to check my email. I checked it and it was a page long email from the boss, and I went out to ask him about it because I couldn't be bothered reading it. He was in Katie's room, and Yoshi was in there next to her on her knees, helping her out with work.

I jokingly asked Heath if he could summarise it in one sentence, and he did it in animation, which caused all of us to laugh. I then walked off to do some work.

Even more later, I began thinking about going to Katie for a chat. I walked past her office and saw that she wasn't around. Neither was Yoshi. I ended up eating my apple around Therese and having a talk to her.

Later on I saw Katie was back in her office, and I pondered back and forth about going to talk to her. I just thought maybe she needed time to do her work as she seemed to have been pretty busy running around and having people in her office all day. I also wanted to maintain a bit of mystery and sense of unavailability.

But I ended up going anyway, at about 4:40pm. I didn't knock this time, as I thought everytime I knock it seems too formal and like I'm scared to approach.

"It's nearly knock off time" I said as I approached. She said yeah and asked how I was going. I just said I was prepping for a hearing with a crappy brief, and then asked her what she was doing after work (it sounded like I was asking her out but I wasn't). She said not much and asked me what I was doing. I said I wasn't sure if she's noticed, but I usually work till about 7pm.

Then because of this working late topic, I took the opportunity to tell her about the scary time at my old firm about how the lift was haunted. She seemed pretty interested, and when I asked her if she had had any experience, she said she once had a dream that her friend was pregnant, and when she told her friend, her friend said she was.

We somehow got talking about cooking, and I asked her what she did for dinner if she didn't cook. She seemed kinda vague and just said she didn't usually eat much for dinner. She also said she didn't like cleaning, which led me to talk about how I was forced to clean up almost immediately in Lismore because of all the insects, so we got talking about insects.

I asked her what her room mate was like and she said "ummm...I live with my boyfriend".

If the experience of my heart breaking with NTM ever had a sequel, this was it.

Inside, I totally broke down. It was like pulling the power cord from the computer - immediate shutdown. No functioning. Just dead.

On the outside, I made some remark about geckos and spiders, then said "alright, I'll leave you to it".

I walked back to my room, telling myself to focus on work. But I couldn't. I messaged Shuing about it then turned my phone off.

I grabbed my stuff and walked out at 4:50pm.

I knew what I wanted to do - get my car and go for a drive. But I was so confused I walked the long way to the bus stop. I caught the bus home, went straight away to get my car and sped off to the sea side. I reached 100km in a 60 zone.

When I got there, I went to some rocks and sat down. The wind was blowing against me strongly and the waves were crashing loudly. I turned my phone on and Shuing sent a message saying we could meet up if I wanted. I messaged Ele and asked her if she was free for dinner. She messaged back asking if I was only free on weeknights, and suggested yum cha on Saturday as she had had only five hours sleep. I messaged back "never mind".

I sat there for a while, thinking. So many thoughts.

How should I react from now on?

Should I keep my door closed from now on? I don't want to hear her voice.

Was it obvious to her that I had left early because of her?

Why was she so vague? Was it because she wanted to keep her boyfriend away? Did that mean she was interested?

How will this affect both our jobs in the future? Will she end up leaving? Or will I end up leaving?

A million thoughts ran through my mind, but at snails pace. I was getting cold, but I didn't want to move. I just wanted to lie down.

I was depressed, but I told myself to quickly pick myself back up. I'm a machine, I have no emotions. You have briefs to assess, so do it. Eminem talks about hoes, and he's right. Eminem says not to fall, so you shouldn't.

After a long time, I messaged Shuing about dinner and headed back to my car. As I was listening to 'Beautiful', I thought the "We gotta take these cards ourselves
and flip 'em" line was very appropriate. She was a card, I flipped it, and turns out she had a boyfriend. Move on.

I just...I don't know what to do right now.

But I am clear on one thing: she misled me.

All that eye contact throughout the trial.
She said "room mate" when we talked in the beginning.
She was always vague about what she did on weekends.
She said she travelled to and from Newcastle on her own.
She could've easily mentioned him during lunch.

But in hindsight, it makes sense.

The 'never approaching me on her own' thing with that one time as an exception.
Not bringing over lollies she had, when that was a perfect excuse.
Inviting her friend to lunch.