Two three second calls...

I told myself I wouldn't, but I have. I told myself that after submitting the second report on her, that I would not log into her mobile phone account ever again, as I had no need to. But then there was Chinese New Year, and I was hoping she'd call her mother. But nope. Maybe her mother called her. Or maybe she doesn't care about her mother.

But since then, it has become a bit of a bad habit. It's a bit like The Truman Show, only I don't know the contents of any calls or messages. I only see what outgoing calls and messages she's making.

I did find one interesting call - an overseas number to Korea. When I called it, it was a man. Didn't sound old enough to be her brother, so I suspect it may be the guy who lends her money ie. trafficks her.

Another number I found. Some non-Korean guy she called at 2am twice in short spurts, for only 2-3 seconds. I figured she was clubbing last night, and some guy picked her up. This set me off.

Although I told myself to stay calm and think rationally, it made me mad as I walked to work. I even ran a part of it. But you know what I realised? I was so mad, yet I couldn't push myself to run the entire journey. I have lost my fire. That fire I had when I was younger that propelled me to excel in basketball, that pushed me to study, that made me want to be the best in the world. Maybe I am burned out?

One of my first thoughts was to anonymously message the guy and tell him she was a prostitute. But I kept telling myself: the number one rule of surveillance is not to interfere with the subjects.

Anyway, I started reasoning with myself. Maybe she wasn't interested in him? If she was, she would've given her number to him, like she did to me, instead of him having to give his number to her. I pictured the scene of him punching the numbers into her phone. Or did she enter them? Did she ask for them? Or was he just a pushy guy? What kinda guy goes clubbing at 2am on Monday night? A criminal, or a student.

I thought I could handle myself at work but I couldn't. Maybe it's time to face and accept that. I thought about it all day. It even made me gamble. At lunch, I withdrew $2,000 from the bank and went to the casino.

I didn't feel good about it the moment I started laying chips on the table. I thought about Jin and everyone else was right: I was a loser. I'm a gambler, and therefore I'm a loser. She made the right decision to leave me.

The ball had landed in the 0 sector the last three spins, so I bet on the inverse - $400 per spin. I lost the next two spins, and even the third. I had take out the remaining $800 in my wallet. I nearly lost it all when on the brink I won about $1000 back. I got very lucky as I seemed to slowly stay in the game and make my way back. Finally, on one spin, it landed on 26, where I had three chips and two splits - $1,390. I had now profited $440, which was enough to see Lina on Friday and buy some food.

But to be honest, if it wasn't for the fact that I was running late to return to the office, I probably would've kept gambling. I left, and rushed to the bank to deposit the money and then went back to the office.

After the lecture, I went back to the office and called Lifeline. I was depressed and needed to talk to someone. But I didn't get the relief I was seeking as the lady seemed to cut me off whenever I tried to explain.

As I headed home on the bus, I was eager to see Jin's phone records to see if she had contacted the guy. I started going wild. I pictured them going out, having sex.

Nah, she won't have sex with him so early on. She is quite conservative.

Well let him have her, she costs a lot of money. 

Let him see how selfish she is.

But if she really likes him, maybe she won't be selfish?

Let him marry her, have babies, see how happy they are then.

I was disappointed when I came home to see her records filled up with internet usage entries.

In my dark moment of desperation, I also messaged Lina, and now waiting for a reply...