Maybe I just want to prove a point...

Sometimes I wonder if I really love her, or if I just can't hack being dumped. It seems like I see things in life as win or lose, and being the competitor that I am, I can't bear losing in this. I must do whatever it takes to win, or at the very least, give it my best go.

So in that context, you might understand why last night at 10:08pm I sent her a message saying "I want to marry you".

At 1:30am she sent six messages, basically saying I said I love her but I think of myself first.

So that's her concern...

At 2pm she sent further messages saying she was tired from the day and was going to sleep. I guess she was waiting for me to receive those messages and call.

I did manage to wake myself up 45 minutes later and called her, but she didn't pick up. I then sent her messages asking her if we could meet up as I feared translation errors.

At about 12:30pm today, those messages were read, and she sent me a game invite.

At 3pm I could no longer hold it. I just couldn't bear this accusation that I was selfish - maybe because it was true? Maybe because it's an accusation that's been levelled against you in the past by your mother?

So I sent her a string of messages:

Jin

I don't know why you think I am selfish

everything I have done is for you

I waited for you to come back from Korea last year

when I buy presents I think of you

when I take you to places I think of you

I have thought very hard how to help you

every night before I sleep I think of you

now I am prepared to marry you

it hurts me that you think I am selfish

I have you in my future plans

if you do not want to be with me

I will not bother you anymore

At 3:53pm she sent two messages saying "interpretation also devastated".

I said we need to talk in person, to meet, and she said ok. I asked when she could meet and she said not yet, that she needed time to think. I said ok, I understand and she said ok/

I don't know why, but I feel better now with her thinking about it than her previous decision to just break up. I am pretty sure when a girl wants time to think, she things aren't good. I can't envisage a situation where they have gone off to think and come back wanting to continue the relationship.

I guess if she comes back with a negative answer, I should be blessed that I don't have to go through this marriage and save myself a lot of money.

I guess what my main grief now is, that she appears to have made up her mind through hearing things her friend (most probably Mimi) has said. Why do I think that? Because I thought things ended pretty well on Thursday night, not because of the sex, but because she sent me a message saying sleep well. It showed she still cared. But over the next couple of days, I reckon Mimi said things to her. I can't hack things ending just because of a malicious friend.