One factor in considering my retirement...

I woke up with my legs feeling very sore, just as expected. It was a struggle to take the first few steps. I thought there was going to be no way I'd walk to work, but I did. I saw her today, as we passed, she was looking down fiddling with her music player. Hmmm...never really seen her listening to music before.

When I got into the office, I saw Up in the Air was on my desk. After I got changed and made my breakfast, I went to talk to Clare about it. She said she liked it and found it sad too, especially how the end was "left open". I said it was good because sometimes reality is like that. We talked about it for a bit before I went to see if Mary wanted to borrow it. My real motive was to lend it to Nunjo, but I didn't want Mary to think I was skipping her. She said she'd seen it, but she didn't make a move to give it back, so I said she could watch it a second time.

I bumped into Nunjo as I was going into Mary's room later to ask a quesiton. She noticed I was wearing blue and said "you're branching out".

Work today was a bludge as well. When I was occupied preparing some instructions for tomorrow, I felt like "yes! I have a mission now!" but when I finished that, I felt aimless.

At noon I went to get some snacks and came back to the office to heat up my lunch. I saw Clare in the kitchen, and was actually unable to think of anything to say. I think...I am starting to like her in that way. Shit.

I had to eat quickly because Genie was coming round to pick me up to go to the lunchtime CLE. We got Clare as well, and Nunjo said she'd come after she finished her lunch. So the three of us went down together. Genie has this new 'resolution' to take the stairs. I thought "oh god" at the thought of my exhausted legs having to tackle the stairs, but didn't let on and just went with it. Yes, it hurt.

The CLE was good, done by GF who I had instructed in that copyright matter. I saw next to Genie who sat next to Clare. There was a spare seat to my right and I hoped that Nunjo would come in and fill it. As the session went on, I could hear some people coming in late, until an older lady sat down next to me. I thought Nunjo must've taken a seat at the back.

Fine then, bitch.

But when we went back up (via the bloody stairs) I saw she was in her room. I don't think she had gone to the CLE.

I started feeling depressed for no apparent reason in the afternoon. I guess I just felt...lonely. The whole Naby thing didn't help. I saw via Whatsapp that she was last online at 4:30am - I guess she's back at her job.

Clare and Nunjo were sitting in Mary's room and they talked for what seemed like an hour. I felt a bit excluded, and that contributed to my depressed feeling.

I just felt like getting out of there and going to the waters, so I left at 5pm. Still in my suit with my rare blue shirt and waistcoat combo today, I walked past Nunjo's room where Mary was talking to her. I said "bye guys" and heard Nunjo say "bye [insert name here]" in a way that seemed like she wanted to be heard on top of Mary's voice. Maybe I am just delusional.

I walked through Darling Harbour and went to sit in front of the water near the casino. I stared out into the buildings, wondering. Wondering about Naby. Wondering about money. It was kinda refreshing to be all alone like this. So peaceful. I thought about taking Ele here one day, but it might have too much of a romantic overtone.

I sat there until it got dark, and left at 6pm. I thought about going to the casino to watch, but didn't. I couldn't really gamble - I had $100 in my wallet and $100 in my bank. Well, maybe I could. But I didn't really want to.

I walked back to the office and got changed. I went to the gym and did cycling, chin ups, dips, sit ups and push ups. It wasn't easy, since it was packed. I had to wander around a bit to wait for the stuff I wanted, but in the end I got it done.

I caught the bus home, thinking about my basketball future. Last night Bo did something that really pissed me off. I had posted the following on our fb group:


It's official - we're playing GFST. This is the team which caused us to get off to a very slow start, so don't assume it will be an easy game.

You don't need a wild guess to know why I said that. Last thing I want is to lose just because we got over-confident.

Then Bo writes the following:

Hi guys, I think this would be an easy game. 

We can be too complacent.

What the fuck? Why say something like that? I got so pissed. Don't make me captain if you're going to undermin what I say. And if you're going to say that was a joke, it's not even funny.

Fuck.

So this is obviously one factor I will consider in deciding whether to keep playing with this team next season. Sometimes during today, I thought about how peaceful it would be to not play any comps, and to be re-assured that my knee wouldn't be at risk.

That was a good feeling.