Tuesday
In court in the morning, wanted to get this letter to a self rep done, but in afternoon got caught in a loooong conversation with Mary and Clare in Clare's room. DS came to break things up by wanting to see me, and we went into my room.

He came to see me about his referee report. As always, he had really good things to say, but he said he had to rank people, so only gave me mainly G's (Goods). He said the comments were much better than the ratings, and when I read them afterwards, I agreed. However, when he was talking to me, the pessimistic side of me heard only "you're good, but you don't have supervision experience, so you're not going to get it".

Although I was nodding and smiling, inside I felt like crying. One thing he said made me really angry - he said probably because I don't make a fuss, he doesn't hear much about my matters and hence doesn't really know what to say in these types of reports. Yet the people who cause trouble, he knows about their matters. Wow, this just re-affirms my belief that nice guys get fucked over - bad.

I worked till 8pm and then went to the gym. I started losing hope that I'd get even a temporary position. I started thinking about looking elsewhere. I'm just at an age where I need to earn more money.