Muddled thoughts...
On Monday while I was getting ready for work, I was pretty sure I had my pair of shoes in the office. I checked underneath the sofa and couldn't see them, so they must've been at work. When I got to work, everything was there in my cupboard except my shoes.
Shit.
I had three options:
1. Remain in street clothes.
2. Wear my work clothes with sneakers.
3. Go home to get my shoes.
Or, alternatively, I could just go buy a cheap pair. That, I did. I quickly rushed out to the cheap shoe store next to Macca's and bought a pair for $50. I originally had a pair for $80 until I saw the cheaper pair. On my way back to the office, it struck me: my shoes were in the CHANGE ROOM!
Sure enough, when I got back to the office, my shoes were under the bench in the change room. Great waste of money.
While I was in the lifts, this lady introduced herself to me and said she also worked for the same company, that she was on level 12 but had forgotten her card, and so asked me to buzz her up. I did that, and she thanked me and said something like "what a start to Monday". I said "hey, I left my shoes at home and had to buy a new pair" and displayed my shoebox. I just thought that was a very Hollywood/romatic-esque type of introduction. Too bad she's like 20 years older than me.
A day or two after that, she called my phone, but hung up after one ring. Wonder what she wanted.
Oh, and also, when I went out to get my shoes, I caught the lift with Lisa, who farted as she walked into the lift. She excused herself, but I could just imagine how terribly embarassing that was for her. I was too busy trying to ignore it and be empathetic to find it even remotely funny. Goddamn, that's like my worst nightmare.
I can't really remember what happened on Wednesday and Thursday, but I feel like I've slowly getting back in touch with Alanna after she returned from leave. I think I got used to work without her, so when she came back it was a bit different and I needed to adjust. We share some funny emails and articles about judges. I still do not know whether she's genuinely friendly or if she has an ulterior motive. Maybe she thinks I have all these defence connections that may prove useful when she goes to the bar?
Today, I had some dim sim for lunch, and I gave one prawn dumpling to Alanna. She was pretty grateful, I just feared she would reject it out of "dieting" (which is silly). Lynette saw it, and I wondered if it was a good thing or bad thing. It was good in that it showed I was friendly to women other than Karina, but bad in that she may think I was trying to hit on Alanna.
I've got the Toronto list tomorrow, so drove home today and didn't go to the gym because I want to sleep early (although I have been going to gym morning and night thus far this week). As I was sitting in my office at 6pm packing, the boss walks by and asks why I'm not taking just the folder. I stupidly said I liked to prepare for everything, which in hindsight meant I was going against her, but in reality I had just forgotten that we were switching to the folder. She asked if anyone asked me and I said no, so I guess that explained it too.
But yeah, I couldn't help but feel I had said the wrong thing. God, why can't she just leave me alone. The distance between boss and me is too close, I need a buffer.
This week I haven't been able to get my mind of Lilly. I keep trying to plan for it, financially. On Tuesday I realised that one of the ladies who is away on maternity leave is an SLO, which meant it'd be that much longer before a position became available. It suddenly made me angry, and impatient.
What the hell was I doing this for if there's no future in sight?
I thought about looking for other jobs. I think as time passed, I realised I just needed to be patient.
The quote that "men need sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to have sex" is so true (on my side anyway). I'm sure it's just the chemicals in my brain, but when I'm with Lilly I feel so much intimacy. The kissing just heightens everything, and it almost seems genuine.
But I keep telling myself just to have fun right now, instead of doing something stupid and acting all serious and scaring her away. Just have fun, enjoy yourself.
On the flip side, I've been wondering whether this is all too 'early'. I still feel the bond between Naby and I. It somehow feels wrong. I often ask myself, if Naby came back, who would you choose? Morally I think I'd choose Naby. This side of me thinks I should've let more time pass before starting this thing again. Muddled thoughts indeed.
I've also come to the conclusion that this is probably what works best for me (provided I can afford it). Pay for a girl once a week, you get what you want, and you don't have to go through all that heart break, the guess work, and the usual trouble that comes with a girlfriend. Also, you may also be better off financially in the long run, meaning no expensive divorce. It's sad to think that I may never get married, but I guess I've just turned out this way, and I think the world has a lot to do with it.
What still irks me is the experience with Elleon and Claire. I paid for all that and got nothing, which just makes me grrrr.
Shit.
I had three options:
1. Remain in street clothes.
2. Wear my work clothes with sneakers.
3. Go home to get my shoes.
Or, alternatively, I could just go buy a cheap pair. That, I did. I quickly rushed out to the cheap shoe store next to Macca's and bought a pair for $50. I originally had a pair for $80 until I saw the cheaper pair. On my way back to the office, it struck me: my shoes were in the CHANGE ROOM!
Sure enough, when I got back to the office, my shoes were under the bench in the change room. Great waste of money.
While I was in the lifts, this lady introduced herself to me and said she also worked for the same company, that she was on level 12 but had forgotten her card, and so asked me to buzz her up. I did that, and she thanked me and said something like "what a start to Monday". I said "hey, I left my shoes at home and had to buy a new pair" and displayed my shoebox. I just thought that was a very Hollywood/romatic-esque type of introduction. Too bad she's like 20 years older than me.
A day or two after that, she called my phone, but hung up after one ring. Wonder what she wanted.
Oh, and also, when I went out to get my shoes, I caught the lift with Lisa, who farted as she walked into the lift. She excused herself, but I could just imagine how terribly embarassing that was for her. I was too busy trying to ignore it and be empathetic to find it even remotely funny. Goddamn, that's like my worst nightmare.
I can't really remember what happened on Wednesday and Thursday, but I feel like I've slowly getting back in touch with Alanna after she returned from leave. I think I got used to work without her, so when she came back it was a bit different and I needed to adjust. We share some funny emails and articles about judges. I still do not know whether she's genuinely friendly or if she has an ulterior motive. Maybe she thinks I have all these defence connections that may prove useful when she goes to the bar?
Today, I had some dim sim for lunch, and I gave one prawn dumpling to Alanna. She was pretty grateful, I just feared she would reject it out of "dieting" (which is silly). Lynette saw it, and I wondered if it was a good thing or bad thing. It was good in that it showed I was friendly to women other than Karina, but bad in that she may think I was trying to hit on Alanna.
I've got the Toronto list tomorrow, so drove home today and didn't go to the gym because I want to sleep early (although I have been going to gym morning and night thus far this week). As I was sitting in my office at 6pm packing, the boss walks by and asks why I'm not taking just the folder. I stupidly said I liked to prepare for everything, which in hindsight meant I was going against her, but in reality I had just forgotten that we were switching to the folder. She asked if anyone asked me and I said no, so I guess that explained it too.
But yeah, I couldn't help but feel I had said the wrong thing. God, why can't she just leave me alone. The distance between boss and me is too close, I need a buffer.
This week I haven't been able to get my mind of Lilly. I keep trying to plan for it, financially. On Tuesday I realised that one of the ladies who is away on maternity leave is an SLO, which meant it'd be that much longer before a position became available. It suddenly made me angry, and impatient.
What the hell was I doing this for if there's no future in sight?
I thought about looking for other jobs. I think as time passed, I realised I just needed to be patient.
The quote that "men need sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to have sex" is so true (on my side anyway). I'm sure it's just the chemicals in my brain, but when I'm with Lilly I feel so much intimacy. The kissing just heightens everything, and it almost seems genuine.
But I keep telling myself just to have fun right now, instead of doing something stupid and acting all serious and scaring her away. Just have fun, enjoy yourself.
On the flip side, I've been wondering whether this is all too 'early'. I still feel the bond between Naby and I. It somehow feels wrong. I often ask myself, if Naby came back, who would you choose? Morally I think I'd choose Naby. This side of me thinks I should've let more time pass before starting this thing again. Muddled thoughts indeed.
I've also come to the conclusion that this is probably what works best for me (provided I can afford it). Pay for a girl once a week, you get what you want, and you don't have to go through all that heart break, the guess work, and the usual trouble that comes with a girlfriend. Also, you may also be better off financially in the long run, meaning no expensive divorce. It's sad to think that I may never get married, but I guess I've just turned out this way, and I think the world has a lot to do with it.
What still irks me is the experience with Elleon and Claire. I paid for all that and got nothing, which just makes me grrrr.
posted by toey | 20:00
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