I failed again =(

At work, I was thinking back and forth between asking her out and just cutting off contact for a week. I had sought advice from two internet forums (and even lamented about it on the gambling addiction forum but didn't really ask for advice there) - the relationships one and the whoring one. The former really disappointed me - it appears that when there's an opportunity to bash/flame someone, everyone comes in, but when a guy is really seeking quick, practical advice and/or things seem positive, you only get a few people who post words of encouragement. It's like a forum for haters.

The latter was much, much more useful. Maybe it's because we're all guys, and I'm guessing around the same age and race.

I kept checking them throughout the morning. Finally, I couldn't help it, and picked up my phone.

Me @ 11:37 - Hi Lin, I just called yesterday to say Happy Chinese New Year :) Also are you free this Thursday or Friday? Maybe we can both see how bad we are at ice skating?

That reminded me of the way that online dating girl asked me out. It was half-playful, but I just wasn't attracted to her. Then, I was surprised to get a response.

Lin @ 11:39 - Hi...happy new year...[insert name here]. I need to work this thursday..and have class on friday...

Great, rejection. You also had class last Friday. There's a thing called "after class". You know, if someone really wants to be with you, they ain't going to let work and class get in the way. Fuck it then.

Me @ 11:40 - Ok maybe another time then

I wasn't really expecting a response.

Lin @ 11:42 - Also i will have final exam soon...Sorry la. Maybe we can do that after my exams...

Does she mean it?

Me @ 11:43 - Kk...when are your final exams?

I know this sounds a bit pushy, but I had to ask - now or never. Then the wait for a response...I thought I wasn't going to get one.

Lin @ 11:55 - Finish at 17 feb...haha..

Me @ 11:59 - Wa so long...I will wait for you to get all high distinctions then

I got so depressed after that. I actually thought about taking the rest of the day off. I couldn't focus on work. I wanted to wait for Mary to come back for lunch and tell her I wasn't feeling well, and I'd go home and lay in my bed feeling sad.

But I found that as I made chit chat with Clare and others throughout the day, it actually helped me feel better. I would feel more lively, and then as soon as the conversation ended, I would feel lonely and depressed again.

I received a call on my phone telling me my BOC documents were ready to be picked up. Then it was like I re-focused - there was this thing called money I was after. So at lunch I went to the bank and picked up my documents, I bought some lunch from Woolies and took it back to the office to eat.

I started feeling a bit better, but was still overall down. I didn't really feel like playing basketball, especially tomorrow's game.

I started thinking about the whole thing. A few things:

1. In hindsight, it's easy to spot the signs: she ignored your message. She didn't call or message back after you called.

2. I felt embarassed that a 22 year old girl had rejected a 29 year old man. What was I doing?

3. I feared that I may 'rebound' back to Nunjo, but I actually still felt the same way about her, ie. didn't care.

4. I remember ages ago (back in the NTM days) I read advice on the internet about 'dating rules' - stuff like, never ask her out for a next date at the end of the night, to leave some mystery and make it a challenge, and don't contact her too soon aftre the date, or, always call and never text. I also reflected a bit on my habit to seek advice from forums. I think it's best that I utilise my own common sense to deal with my own situations. No matter how articulate I may be, I can never describe what happened, and I understand my situation better than anyone else. I need to learn to trust myself, instead of looking for hand holding.

5. I still don't know what went 'wrong'. I remember someone on a forum saying it was like sports, you can do all the right things and still lose. Ok, but I still wonder why she has had a change of mind?

 I stayed back late to do some work. Ended up talking to that new girl Chandra for a while. Turns out we have more in common than being ex-defence: she knows John, Spawn, Fam, and has seen library guy.

I went to the gym after. As weird as it sounds, my depression fueled me.