Spineless
On Sunday I got a text message from Kim saying she'd be home at around 8pm. I finished watching Matchstick Men (story took too long to develop, ending was predictable) and was about to go to sleep when Kim came home. She said her uncle was staying over night, but I didn't get to see them because they went out again after dropping off her things.
While I was lying in bed, I could hear her talking to him. There may have even been more than one guy. But I felt a bit shitty about how loudly they were talking, since I was trying to sleep. And then it struck me - one of the reasons why I keep saying it's peaceful here is because when I go to sleep, it's all quiet. Back at home, either the tv is always on or my mom and sister are shouting.
I think because I've lived here by myself for so long, I've almost forgotten that it's supposed to be shared housing and I'm not liking it when I have to share.
I went to work yesterday feeling a bit weird, because today is a public holiday so it was like going into work for one day and then having a break.
I spent the first half of the day culling and emailing Shuing back and forth. He told me Michelle said she loved him, and asked for more money for accomodation (she had already asked to borrow some money to change her flight so she can come back earlier). I laughed at him and he replied that he could now see things from Bob's perspective.
I took that to mean that he now knows how Bob felt when I made fun of him about Linda, but instead of apologising, I tried to divert the issue and he didn't reply for a few hours. I sat there culling and wondering whether I had upset him. Had I lost another friend? In the same way?
Sometimes my mind wandered off and thought about Meet Joe Black, and it made me happy. I just wish the movie never ended. I'm still loving it.
Eventually I decided to send another email, asking him if he thought she had ever asked Bob for money, and he replied almost instantly, saying he didn't think so, but that's what shits him, because Bob is a prick and he's a nice guy who ends up copping the shit. I knew I had hit a spot. We emailed eachother for the rest of the day without any problems, but for a while there I was scared. Must remind myself not to go too far with these jokes.
Ben came into work at noon, which was surprising because he was going to take the whole day off. He said he had nothing else to do, lol. I had my lunch and then went out to get an apple. When I returned I saw Cox at the break out area, about to eat her lunch. I thanked her for having us over and then Ben came over and started talking.
I thought it'd be good to have a short chat while eating my apple, so I sat down. They were talking about Cox's friends, and I was a bit surprised at how open Ben was about which girls he found attractive. Ben joked about me chatting up his wife for about 20 minutes (the time I spent talking to Vic while Ben went to the barbeque) and he said she had asked him if it'd be weird for her to meet up with me and my parents for dinner in Sydney. He said yes.
I silently agreed. I was glad that she found me interesting enough to make the suggestion (because I thought maybe I had been boring), but why the hell would you want to do something as silly as that? Meet up with your husband's colleague 700km away? With his parents???
I was glad Ben saved me the awkwardness.
Brendan came by to tell us he was going home because he only had a half day, and joked that I was in charge, haha, funny bloke. I raised my fist and Ben asked what I was going to do, and I said I was going to fire everybody, lol.
Claire walked past and Ben dragged her into a conversation, and she told us about how 2009 had ended badly for her, because her dog died and she was in a car accident. She then grabbed her lunch from the fridge and sat down, and somehow the topic got onto her dating life. From what I had gathered, she was married for 14 years and is now trying to get back 'into it'.
I found it a bit uneasy to hear about her horrible dating stories because I didn't know her that well, but it was funny because apparently the men she kept going out with always made her pay for dinner and stuff.
As we talked, I knew I was being a bit too quiet and that either Ben or Cox would ask me for a 'tragic dating story' soon, and I figured if it came up then I'd talk about the time I went out with Claire and how she said "are you interrogating me?" when I asked her what she did after uni.
Sure enough, Cox asked me and I told them that story, which got a bundle of laughter.
Claire and Cox then started talking about how they hated spineless men, and at first I felt safe because I thought they were talking about men who were physically abusive towards women, but then Cox added "yeah, I hate it when they pander to you" and Claire agreed.
That was the definition I was most afraid of.
Were they having a go at me? Probably not. But did I feel like I was that type of person? Hmmm...maybe.
It was kinda ironic, because I had spent the majority of my life thinking that the way to get a girl was to please her, and here was Cox saying she "hated" men who pandered to her.
I was glad to finally get away from that conversation and do some work, but then after a while Ben and I got into this deep discussion about religion, nature and how superficial and materialistic society had become. The bottom line was: why are we so obsessed with ourselves when there are so many more important things in life???
I left work at 5pm and went home, relieved to find no one home. Pandy had left some keys for Kim and I to the backdoor, as some guy is moving into the front room. I went to get a few wicked wings and came back and made some canned soup. It was the best goddamn soup I have had in a looooong time! Mmm it was yum.
I spent the rest of the night watching Highlander. It was ok, but probably a bit out of my generation. In the back of my mind I always kept an eye on the time, hoping that it would finish soon. I think it really takes the joy out of movies when you see it as a duty, rather than as an interest.
Anyway, out of interest this morning, I found these articles which seemed pretty intriguing:
The Man with no Spine
There once was a man without a spine.
He was a very likable guy. The advantage of not having a spine was that he could fit himself to anyone, and he frequently did. He could flex this way and that.
But he couldn't stand up ...
...and being kinda mushy and flat most of the time, people often walked on him without realizing he was there.
So he got sad, having this dreadful absence of a spine, and he was resentful too. He wondered why other people couldn't fit themselves to him the way he fit himself to others, but that was silly because he never felt he had the right to ask anyone directly to fit themselves to him. He was formless, what was there to fit to anyway?
...
He wished he could be with a woman, to help him the way a spine would. If he clung to a woman with a spine, he could stand up, but women didn't like it when he did that. He often called them "bitches" for the women with spines coldly asked him to let go of them, or unceremoniously shrugged him and his issues off onto the ground telling him to get his own spine.
Do you think that sounds like me?
Stop trying to be liked and start being you
I don’t like you.
Four words we hate to hear. For some reason, we all like to be liked. No revelation there. It’s how we’re wired. We hate it when people don’t like us – even people we don’t really know. Some of us will do almost anything to be liked. We love to please, even at the expense of our own happiness, values, beliefs and standards. We compromise ourselves a hundred ways and turn ourselves inside-out trying to make others like us, but in that approval-seeking process we often forget who we are and wind up being disliked by the one person whose opinion should matter the most; us.
Newsflash 1: Some people aren’t gonna like you.
Newsflash 2: That’s okay.
That’s right – life ain’t fair and even though you may very well be a fantastic human being, some people will find a reason to dislike you no matter what you do or how fabulous you are. Chances are it’s more about their issues than anything you have or haven’t done. There are people who don’t like me who have never actually met me or had a conversation with me. That’s fine with me. I won’t invest emotional energy into things I can’t change. I will endeavour to be the best Craig Harper I can be and if my best still generates critics and people who find reason to dislike me (which it will), that’s okay. The only person I can change is me, so I’ll focus on improving, educating and developing myself rather than trying to create a fan club or convince people to like me.
While it’s normal and very human to have the desire to be needed, liked, loved and important to others, it’s also crucial for our development to get clear about who we are and what we stand for, and to live a life consistent with those values – to like ourselves. Otherwise we simply become frustrated People Pleasers.
Newsflash 3: It’s okay to disagree with people. Even people you like and respect.
Newsflash 4: Some people’s overwhelming need to be liked is the very thing that makes them hard to like (there’s some irony for you).
Newsflash 5: For many people, their need to be liked is actually a significant barrier to their personal and professional growth.
Somehow this made me think about Michael L. If agreeing t an extreme was an attempt to be liked, then could his constant disagreeing be his attempt to be respected?
While I was lying in bed, I could hear her talking to him. There may have even been more than one guy. But I felt a bit shitty about how loudly they were talking, since I was trying to sleep. And then it struck me - one of the reasons why I keep saying it's peaceful here is because when I go to sleep, it's all quiet. Back at home, either the tv is always on or my mom and sister are shouting.
I think because I've lived here by myself for so long, I've almost forgotten that it's supposed to be shared housing and I'm not liking it when I have to share.
I went to work yesterday feeling a bit weird, because today is a public holiday so it was like going into work for one day and then having a break.
I spent the first half of the day culling and emailing Shuing back and forth. He told me Michelle said she loved him, and asked for more money for accomodation (she had already asked to borrow some money to change her flight so she can come back earlier). I laughed at him and he replied that he could now see things from Bob's perspective.
I took that to mean that he now knows how Bob felt when I made fun of him about Linda, but instead of apologising, I tried to divert the issue and he didn't reply for a few hours. I sat there culling and wondering whether I had upset him. Had I lost another friend? In the same way?
Sometimes my mind wandered off and thought about Meet Joe Black, and it made me happy. I just wish the movie never ended. I'm still loving it.
Eventually I decided to send another email, asking him if he thought she had ever asked Bob for money, and he replied almost instantly, saying he didn't think so, but that's what shits him, because Bob is a prick and he's a nice guy who ends up copping the shit. I knew I had hit a spot. We emailed eachother for the rest of the day without any problems, but for a while there I was scared. Must remind myself not to go too far with these jokes.
Ben came into work at noon, which was surprising because he was going to take the whole day off. He said he had nothing else to do, lol. I had my lunch and then went out to get an apple. When I returned I saw Cox at the break out area, about to eat her lunch. I thanked her for having us over and then Ben came over and started talking.
I thought it'd be good to have a short chat while eating my apple, so I sat down. They were talking about Cox's friends, and I was a bit surprised at how open Ben was about which girls he found attractive. Ben joked about me chatting up his wife for about 20 minutes (the time I spent talking to Vic while Ben went to the barbeque) and he said she had asked him if it'd be weird for her to meet up with me and my parents for dinner in Sydney. He said yes.
I silently agreed. I was glad that she found me interesting enough to make the suggestion (because I thought maybe I had been boring), but why the hell would you want to do something as silly as that? Meet up with your husband's colleague 700km away? With his parents???
I was glad Ben saved me the awkwardness.
Brendan came by to tell us he was going home because he only had a half day, and joked that I was in charge, haha, funny bloke. I raised my fist and Ben asked what I was going to do, and I said I was going to fire everybody, lol.
Claire walked past and Ben dragged her into a conversation, and she told us about how 2009 had ended badly for her, because her dog died and she was in a car accident. She then grabbed her lunch from the fridge and sat down, and somehow the topic got onto her dating life. From what I had gathered, she was married for 14 years and is now trying to get back 'into it'.
I found it a bit uneasy to hear about her horrible dating stories because I didn't know her that well, but it was funny because apparently the men she kept going out with always made her pay for dinner and stuff.
As we talked, I knew I was being a bit too quiet and that either Ben or Cox would ask me for a 'tragic dating story' soon, and I figured if it came up then I'd talk about the time I went out with Claire and how she said "are you interrogating me?" when I asked her what she did after uni.
Sure enough, Cox asked me and I told them that story, which got a bundle of laughter.
Claire and Cox then started talking about how they hated spineless men, and at first I felt safe because I thought they were talking about men who were physically abusive towards women, but then Cox added "yeah, I hate it when they pander to you" and Claire agreed.
That was the definition I was most afraid of.
Were they having a go at me? Probably not. But did I feel like I was that type of person? Hmmm...maybe.
It was kinda ironic, because I had spent the majority of my life thinking that the way to get a girl was to please her, and here was Cox saying she "hated" men who pandered to her.
I was glad to finally get away from that conversation and do some work, but then after a while Ben and I got into this deep discussion about religion, nature and how superficial and materialistic society had become. The bottom line was: why are we so obsessed with ourselves when there are so many more important things in life???
I left work at 5pm and went home, relieved to find no one home. Pandy had left some keys for Kim and I to the backdoor, as some guy is moving into the front room. I went to get a few wicked wings and came back and made some canned soup. It was the best goddamn soup I have had in a looooong time! Mmm it was yum.
I spent the rest of the night watching Highlander. It was ok, but probably a bit out of my generation. In the back of my mind I always kept an eye on the time, hoping that it would finish soon. I think it really takes the joy out of movies when you see it as a duty, rather than as an interest.
Anyway, out of interest this morning, I found these articles which seemed pretty intriguing:
The Man with no Spine
There once was a man without a spine.
He was a very likable guy. The advantage of not having a spine was that he could fit himself to anyone, and he frequently did. He could flex this way and that.
But he couldn't stand up ...
...and being kinda mushy and flat most of the time, people often walked on him without realizing he was there.
So he got sad, having this dreadful absence of a spine, and he was resentful too. He wondered why other people couldn't fit themselves to him the way he fit himself to others, but that was silly because he never felt he had the right to ask anyone directly to fit themselves to him. He was formless, what was there to fit to anyway?
...
He wished he could be with a woman, to help him the way a spine would. If he clung to a woman with a spine, he could stand up, but women didn't like it when he did that. He often called them "bitches" for the women with spines coldly asked him to let go of them, or unceremoniously shrugged him and his issues off onto the ground telling him to get his own spine.
Do you think that sounds like me?
Stop trying to be liked and start being you
I don’t like you.
Four words we hate to hear. For some reason, we all like to be liked. No revelation there. It’s how we’re wired. We hate it when people don’t like us – even people we don’t really know. Some of us will do almost anything to be liked. We love to please, even at the expense of our own happiness, values, beliefs and standards. We compromise ourselves a hundred ways and turn ourselves inside-out trying to make others like us, but in that approval-seeking process we often forget who we are and wind up being disliked by the one person whose opinion should matter the most; us.
Newsflash 1: Some people aren’t gonna like you.
Newsflash 2: That’s okay.
That’s right – life ain’t fair and even though you may very well be a fantastic human being, some people will find a reason to dislike you no matter what you do or how fabulous you are. Chances are it’s more about their issues than anything you have or haven’t done. There are people who don’t like me who have never actually met me or had a conversation with me. That’s fine with me. I won’t invest emotional energy into things I can’t change. I will endeavour to be the best Craig Harper I can be and if my best still generates critics and people who find reason to dislike me (which it will), that’s okay. The only person I can change is me, so I’ll focus on improving, educating and developing myself rather than trying to create a fan club or convince people to like me.
While it’s normal and very human to have the desire to be needed, liked, loved and important to others, it’s also crucial for our development to get clear about who we are and what we stand for, and to live a life consistent with those values – to like ourselves. Otherwise we simply become frustrated People Pleasers.
Newsflash 3: It’s okay to disagree with people. Even people you like and respect.
Newsflash 4: Some people’s overwhelming need to be liked is the very thing that makes them hard to like (there’s some irony for you).
Newsflash 5: For many people, their need to be liked is actually a significant barrier to their personal and professional growth.
Somehow this made me think about Michael L. If agreeing t an extreme was an attempt to be liked, then could his constant disagreeing be his attempt to be respected?
posted by toey | 08:21
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