Growing up a little bit...

"But how the fuck you supposed to grow up when you weren't raised?"
-- Criminal, Eminem

I might not know it, but I grew up a little bit today.

I got to work just before 8am, saw Tim waiting for entry as he didn't have the new code. We talked a bit because he mentioned some of the 'changes' he had heard about, and I reassured him that he'd get something. It may have been a backhanded slap, but I added that I didn't see the difference between him and Katie/Yoshi.

Yoshi was on leave today, so it was just Katie. I wondered if she felt lonely. Because, really, that's how most of us feel.

To me, the air was ice cold. The silent tension between us was almost unbearable. But because I wasn't expecting anything, it didn't affect me as much as I'd thought.

I saw that she went to lunch at about 12:40, and I quickly typed up a letter before changing into my gym gear. I secretly hoped that she'd see me in my gym gear, but I couldn't time it right, so I just left and ran to the gym, bumping into several people on the way.

I wasn't as angry as I wanted to be at the gym, and my arms were pretty damn tired, but I still managed to do my stuff.

When I returned to work, I bumped into Wendy at the lifts and I saw her look at my arms, it was so emabrassing. She asked if I had gone for a jog or for soccer, I just said I went to the gym.

I changed back into work attire and ate my instant noodles and apple with my door closed. When I went to chuck my stuff in the bin, I could sense Therese approaching. I kinda wanted to pretend I didn't see her and walk out, but when I turned around she was in my way and smiled and asked if she scared me.

We talked a bit. I'm always very intrigued about the lunches she makes. I asked her how she made the rice she had today and she told me. I said I was going to try and make it, and I meant it, because it looked pretty good.

It should be noted that throughout the entire day, Katie had her door half closed (or half opened). Usually she has it fully open. I took it to mean that she didn't want me to approach, but she didn't want to seem blatantly rude either by shutting her door completely.

I don't know what would make her think I'd approach, since I didn't on Thursday or Friday. Who knows how girls think. It made me realise how big of a difference there is between the way men and women think.

But late in the afternoon, I had this paranoid theory, thinking back to when Bobby sent that message to Tracy implying that he liked Ele. Tracy said something like "the door is open but I'm not sure if you'll fit".

I somehow connected that to this: maybe it was Katie saying that the door for me was still open?

I shook it off as being pure paranoia.

When the cleaner was around, I noticed that Katie's door was shut even more. Presumably the cleaner had done it after cleaning her room. It was like that for a while, and then it returned to the same position before - half open/half shut.

So she's doing that strategically and intentionally?

That gave a bit more weight to my theory.

Anyway, I managed to avoid her for the entire day which was pretty good I thought. But then at the end of the day, maybe around 5:30, as I came out of the photocopying room, she was headed for it. We crossed paths and I looked at her, with a red jacket on, rubbing her hands and looking down as she passed my room. She looked like she was sick. She was either sick, or terribly nervous about bumping into me.

I looked at her as we walked by eachother, readying myself to smile and say hi. Just after we passed eachother, she probably realised I was waiting for a response and then sort of looked back, but it was too late as I had already passed.

I went back to my room, thinking it was kinda like that Brad Pitt/Claire Forlani scene in Meet Joe Black where they keep missing eachother's looks on the street. I thought it'd be good to leave it at that. Maybe a bit of awkwardness was good.

But then stupid me, when I went to the toilet later on, thought it'd be a good idea to 'make peace'. When I came out of the toilet, I stopped briefly at her door and said "don't work too late". She let out a little sigh/chuckle and said "no", the same response I'd give if Wendy or my boss had done the same thing. It was just politeness I guess. I didn't want to read too much into it. But her body language said it all. She attempted to turn around but never fully did. If Wendy or my boss said it, I would've turned around to look at them.

She stayed about 10 more minutes getting print outs before leaving. I felt a bit lonely and very sad when she did. I guess I was hoping she'd come by and say bye, but why would she when she hasn't done that even from the beginning?

I was distracted for a while before focusing on my work for a bit longer and then packing my stuff for tomorrow.

Something has definitely happened. If she didn't know I liked her before, she definitely knows now. Our 'interaction' was so awkward. I do, however, feel that I became the bigger person by at least showing that I was still willing to be friendly.

Maybe I grew up a little bit at that moment. But at the same time, I wondered if I had ruined it. Today was my chance to show that she could be left alone when her friend wasn't around. But I ruined it at the end.

On the bus home, I texted Ele.

"You'll probably say no, but are you free for dinner tomorrow night?"

She replied almost immediately.

"if its my treat, then the answer is yes. How's that :)"

I sent a message back.

"We can argue about that later, let me know what time you finish tomorrow and we can meet in the city"

At this point it's probably best to tell of a message she sent to me on 14 March 2010. I didn't care about her at all at that time that I never even blogged about it.

"you must not happy with me, I am very sorry for last friday. my boss require me stand by until the business is done, and I am there, I have no choice. I can't leave a unfinished business and just walk away. you or other people may ok to leave the job for next day, but I have really tie deadline and I assume until now you will not understand why do I message u saying I can then can't then can make it again. I have got up to ten deals per day, millions are transacted, I am a market maker and need to monitor the whole process and check. I can't make any tiny mistake, coz its about huge amount. There are time difference between australian and counter party banks location so my working hours is longer than normal people sometimes. I don't mean to make you feel stupid I am very sorry. I hope you are not angry at me, but if u still do, talk to me when you are comfortable. I am still your friend."

Yes, that's a long message.