Thursday comp: 2-7-2

If you ever need proof of how much of a hypocrite I am, you need to look no further than this: after my last entry, I sent Lar a message confirming that it was her number. She replied that it was.

Now why the fuck would you do that if you have absolutely no interest at all?

Anyway, on Wednesday I played a bit more of an active role in our closing. I had to make sure the movies and audio files were played at the time GS wanted them played. I didn't operate the computer, I left that up to Kimberley, but I had to go back and forth to make sure she knew which one to play.

Because of that, I sat next to her most of the time, and even though I had been there before when I sat next to the hot para, it still amazed me at how much of a difference it was. At one point I turned around to look at the judge, and I could see how much older he looked up close. He looked down at me, and at that very moment, it seemed like he was a bad guy in a video game, during an introduction to a fight or something. Pure evil.

I also noticed that GS actually came off very well from where I was sitting. Maybe it's because I sit so close to him, that sometimes it seems that he's a bit dull and boring. But watching him from where I was, was probably one of the first times I felt admiration for him.

Fortunately everything went smoothly. I was pretty nervous about something going wrong.

I had brought my own lunch, so didn't go with Twish. I went to get GS a Subway and then ate my lunch in the office.

I decided to get a lift off Twish since she was headed to the city. She parked a bit far away (because it was free) so DC drove us to her car. On the way she had to stop for petrol, and I noticed how she only bought like $12 worth of petrol, and then even after that, the tank was only about 25% full. It made me feel shameful about my current attitude to money (which is, that the casino will pay for it, so lavish all you want!).

One thing which annoyed me throughout the trip was her constantly turning on the radio loudly. She would turn it down or off when she wanted to talk, but after she finished she'd turn it up or on again.

I had actually secretly planned to go to the Apple store to see Rachel Taylor and other people from Cedar Boys talk about the movie, but then changed my mind, telling myself there was no point in looking at something I could never have. What's the point in wanting something you know you can never have?

I went home and then to the gym. Just did cycling and some abs again. It's starting to annoy me that I can't do any upper body work because of this stupid pain in my shoulder, the cause of which is friggin' unknown.

My knee felt alright at the gym, and I was having thoughts of getting dressed for Thursday night's game. I told myself that I could dress up and not play, but in the back of my mind knew that I'd have to play if, say, we didn't have enough players. I jumped lightly up and down on the spot in the stretching area and it felt good.

On Thursday I ended up catching a train to work, even though the game was at 6:45pm. I figured that since we finish at 3pm, then I'd have enough time to get back home first.

It wasn't nearly as challenging as the day before, as I just sat in my usual position taking notes. I didn't bring my lunch, but I bought Subway since I was getting it for GS anyway. Kinda enjoyed just eating it at my desk.

After court finished, DC seemed pretty upset, he was angry about how the three people (the judge, Crown, and GS) who were talking about the computer evidence were the three that didn't know anything about it. I suspected his real complaint was that he wasn't doing it himself. Anything that I think arises from his ego, I immediately dislike and tend to disregard.

In a mini-conference after that in GS' room, DC went on a barrage to GS about how to go about things, which I admire, but I thought the way he delivered was wrong. You can send a message in a way that is hard on the ears, or you can deliver it in a way that is easier to reception - he is the former.

GS seemed like he just wanted to get the hell out of there for some peace and quiet so he could think, and I felt exactly the same. So after the discussion I packed up, even though DC made no move to pack up, and I knew he wanted to talk about the case. I ended up walking out with GS (with DC saying "it's only 3:30). I didn't want to face DC's question "what do you think?" which I knew was coming.

Think about it, that is such a vague question. Think about what? I mean, I had a good idea what he was asking about (whatever issue about the case that was currently being discussed) but I also knew that, as human nature is, I wouldn't be able to say something I felt was the truth if I also knew that it wasn't the answer he wanted to hear.

I parted ways with GS as I went to make a restaurant booking for Saturday's dinner with Bush, Carry and Kylie. I then caught the train home, grabbed my hoodie and my basketball backpack and drove out to the courts. I didn't suit up.

I got there to see Mike shooting around. I'm beginning to think that, maybe, Mike might turn out to be the most loyal on the team. But I wonder if that is due to deliberate loyalty, or just his level of intelligence.

We stood around talking about who was coming, which was pretty depressing, since Dunnycan had injured himself and I knew Fat Pat had given up on the team. But it was good to hear that Carter was coming.

I also asked him if Fat Pat was leaving for HK permanently, to confirm, and he said yes, in September. It led to a bit of an interesting talk as to whether we would ever change countries for a girlfriend (as opposed to a wife). Mike said he'd never do that. When Roger arrived I introduced him to the discussion and he said the same. I can't see myself doing it, but then again, who can say I have really been in love?

All this time I had never really given thought as to whether what Fat Pat was doing was right or wrong. I guess I automatically assumed that it was right, since they seemed like a pretty good couple and had been together for a while. But here was Mike doubting Fat Pat, which shed new light on my own perspective - was Janet being an overly-control freak by forcing Fat Pat to go with her? Like Mike said, she had a career there; he was going to work with his dad.

Anyway, it looked pretty bleak even after Carter arrived. I was shooting around lightly, and on a soft jab step, hurt my knee. Great.

Seeing Fab arrive provided some comfort, and then seeing Abi arrive was even better. We seriously had a good chance of winning, since they were a pretty shit team. We took an early lead by a few points, but as they out-rebounded us time and time again, there was no way to sustain our scoring and they kept a double digit lead safely throughout the rest of the game.

I watched in distress as Abi played his heart out, feeling so sorry for him that I couldn't help. I just wish, I really wish, that I could've gone out there to help. I wanted to be on the floor so badly. I thought about the times I was on the court, sweating, smiling, hands on hips during free throws, I miss all of that.

The other thing that got to me was watching guys crash to the floor and banging into eachother, only to get up again and run back down the court. I mean, that is how tough our body, and espcially our ligaments are. We can do A LOT to endure damage. So then why the FUCK did I tear my ACL on a normal jump shot, that I've done millions and millions of time??? So simple, yet so destructive. It wasn't fair.

After the game I had a bit of a chat with Roger as we watched a bit of the next game and I also gave him a lift to his car. Seems like a nice guy, like the type I could really get along well with.

I ended up going to the casino. I know, I know, I swore that I'd never go, but I can't help but think that it actually funded a lot of things. After watching Ryu and his struggle against the dark hadou, I realised that maybe I shouldn't be avoiding it, but controlling it.

I mean, can you image how much better off I'd be if I had 100% self control?

I guess sometimes you just have to accept your losses and walk away, and come back another day.

My thinking now was that I could walk into a session with $400, and if I lost it then I wouldn't bet for the rest of the month (so it'd be a $100 per week loss), and that my ain would be to win $200 per week, thus effectively putting a limit to both wins and losses. I'm also going to start recording my results, which should make things more transparent.

I ended up winning $285 and left. I went to the massage place, intending on getting some info about Emily/Jenny from whichever girl I saw. I ended up seeing a girl by the name of Honey, whose English was pretty good cause she had studied English in London. But to my disappointment, she had only started working there about three weeks earlier and did not know of Emily/Jenny.

Today, we had no court, so I didn't have to go out to Parra, but I did have my 9am appointment with the knee surgeon. My mom and sister were using the bathroom which made me a bit late (I actually should've woken up earlier) so I drove up there instead of catching a bus as I had planned. I got there at 8:50 and the dude wasn't even there. Last time the receptionish said he was running behind schedule and I thought that was because people turned up late or that sessions ran for longer than planned. But when at 9:10 he still hadn't come into the office I knew it was his fault. Oh well, nothing you can do.

When he arrived at 9:15, he brought me into his office and booted up his computer to look at my file. He asked me about the knee and I told him I had been doing cycling and rowing as he had suggested, and even though it felt better, it still gave way when I tried the jab step the night before.

He got me onto the bed and flexed my leg a bit, saying that it had improved but I needed surgery (wow, no surprise). I told him I wasn't with a private health insurer and he placed me on the waiting list. He said I could go private at any time if I came up with the money, which was about $7,000.

I walked out feeling not very different from when I walked in. Maybe it was because all this time I knew that surgery was inevitable, that this was just another session for him to make an extra $80, and that I was in this predicament of having no money for the surgery. Sometimes I think about how, if I had never gotten into gambling, then I'd have enough money for surgery right now. But there's not much about that I can do so I come back to reality.

I went to the bank to deposit some money, and then when I was walking on the street back to the car park I bumped into my mom. She asked me what I was doing and I just said I had been to the doctor's. She assumed it was the GP, and that it had something to do with injuries sustained from basketball. I had considered telling her that I needed surgery, but when she started off on a rant about how I should never play basketball again, I changed my mind. What exactly does ranting do? How productive is it? Maybe more accurately, how annoying is it?

I went home, picked up my work bag and then headed out to the city. I went to watch another of Twish's case for sentencing, and it was a pretty packed room so I had to stand. It was kinda like my case, but with different people starring in it, and on a smaller scale. After about an hour, my knee started hurting so I left and went to the next court building where I did some work on my laptop in a conference room.

I met Twish for lunch and we went to the foodcourt under Myer. We walked back down to the other end of the city after, and I went with her to get a coffee. Whilst we were waiting, a lot of fire trucks and ambulances stopped outside. We went outside and everyone was looking up at the building, saying there was smoke coming out. I told Twish I wanted to get a better angle and left.

I went into the court and did some more work on my laptop. After that I went to Rebel to look for a knee brace. I figured I'd need one even after surgery, so might as well get one now. But also, I had a secret fantasy to play soon...before surgery.

The dude who helped me straight away showed me the most expensive one. I went into the change room to try it on, and liked how tight it was. I bought it. Health is one thing you can't go cheapo on.

The beginning of our closing

On Sunday I spent the first half of the day cleaning the bathroom, basically the basin area and the bath tub. There's something my dad and I have in common, and that's an itch to clean sometimes. We don't do it constantly or regularly, but I guess in the back of our minds it annoys us that something is dirty and there comes a point where we just decide to do it ourselves.

Maybe it's because I don't normally clean, but it was kinda fun. I mean, it was kinda yuck to clean all the goo and the build-up of dirt, but it was fun to know that I was doing something to help the household.

I must admit that our house isn't very clean. That's one reason why we don't invite people over. I'm quite ashamed of it. If I walked into a house like mine, I'd be disgusted to even use the bathroom.

After that I drove to Bondi shopping centre to check out JB and do some grocery shopping. I bought An American Haunting and Fight Club. I only bought the former because it said it was the only document case by the US government of a killing by a spirit. I bought Fight Club because it seems to be assumed knowledge that you have seen it, and everyday conversations seem to sometimes draw something from it.

I then went to the mini-plaza across the road from the shopping centre to do some shopping. After buying some bread and meat for lunch to take to work, I grabbed a quarter chicken and chips to take home to eat while watching the movie.

It was raining, but got home with no problems. I watched An American Haunting while eating my grub. Even though it entertained me a bit, I was disappointed because it really didn't come down to anything supernatural as such, but rather that the girl had just been sexually abused by her father.

Yesterday the Crown continued closing, I had brought my own lunch so I ate it in the office, but after that I felt like going for a walk so I went out to get a pack of gummi bears to share with everyone. They are really well accepted by all.

After court, Twish asked DC if she could get a lift off him to get to the city, but he said it wasn't really on his way, which surprised me a bit because he's normally more than happy to help. So I ended up catching the train with Twish. She told me that last Friday she had a job interview with SLA, but didn't think she went that well because the interviewers on the panel seemed kinda bored and wanted to get her out of the way.

We got off at the same stop, as she was headed to her office and I walked to my bus stop.

I stayed home a bit then got changed and went to the gym. I cycled for 5km, did some abs and then went home for dinner.

Today I woke up at 4am and couldn't go back to sleep. After some mucking around on the net I managed to go back to sleep, only to wake up a few hours later from a dream where I had married a girl with cancer. She was to die soon, and I saw myself holding her, as she wore a wig, and me crying. All I could remember, and feel, was holding her and crying.

I wonder if that was somehow related to my interest in the massage girl. Maybe it was an example of going for someone I know I shouldn't go for.

I was a bit late to work, but didn't really matter. The Crown finished today just before lunch, and we were to start after lunch. Just before leaving court for lunch, I was talking to the sheriff guy about hooking my computer up to the main court screen, and GS came up to me and gave me a $10 note for lunch and a list of things to ask the associate for. He saw that I was busy and ended up taking the money back saying he would get it himself. I felt a bit bad, but my intention was to get it for him after talking to the guy.

It was then that I remembered GS likes to stay indoors during his address, like in the HK client trial.

I ended up going to lunch with Twish and DC, at a Portuguese place Twish suggested. Twish shouted me because I paid for her lunch last time. I started off being quite talkative but ended up just sitting there listening to them.

I was kinda nervous after lunch because GS didn't really tell me what he was intending to play, but in the end we didn't play anything. I hope I'm not wrong, but the jury looked interested to hear from us. The judge on the other hand, his face changed completely when we started. It was a complete 180 from when the Crown was addressing. This is one evil, evil judge.

After work I caught the train with Twish again. We started off just talking about work and stuff, but towards the end of the trip she took out her ipod and gave me on earphone and we listened to some of her music together. Some of it were kinda lovey dovey songs, and it seemed a bit too couple-ish. I kept thinking about how shocked she would be if she knew I listened to Eminem's songs about killing his wife, kidnapping a girl, and that "gay, step-father, incest rape" thing, lol.

I went to the gym earlier. As I was walking out of the change room putting my gloves on, I walked past the ladies' change room and a girl who came out called out. I didn't think it was for me but I turned to look anyway and it was Lar.

We talked a bit, about my knee, my job, she said she applied for the prosecution back when we worked together but by the time they got back to her she had already found her current job. She said she was thinking of moving to a bigger firm, but said that her current offer is less money.

As we talked I considered her as an option, but I couldn't fool myself - I was not attracted to her. I feel a stronger vibe with her than with Twish, but at the end of the day, the attraction just wasn't there.

I didn't know how to get away from the conversation so I said "hey we should meet some time" without really meaning it. She agreed, and said I had her number. I told her I didn't think I did and she had a weird look on her face, and I asked her to message me if she had my number (we both didn't have our phones on us).

After that I went upstairs and cycled for 7km. When I first got onto the bike, I was bent over on one side looking down trying to slip my shoelace into the peddle holder so it wouldn't get caught, and I feel a dribble of saliva come out and fall to the floor.

Oh my god!

I felt a little embarassed but hoped the people behind me: 1) didn't see it; or 2) would think that it was sweat. A part of me just thought "ah fuck it" but sometimes during my session I would think "fucking hell", lol.

At first my right knee was clicking, and so I tried to take it slowly, but it lasted really long and I got annoyed. It was then that I realised the resistance was on 1, which for some reason causes awkwardness in my knee. I turned it up to 3 and it felt so much better.

I also did some abs, couldn't do any upper body because my right shoulder still hurts.

Haven't received a message from Lar, which is good I guess, cause I never had any intention to meet up. I think I'm falling for the massage girl. I think that's why I had that dream last night, because I was thinking of her before I fell asleep.

Cedar Boys

On Thursday after work, Dunnycan sent me a message pulling out of the movies. Even though I had expected it, I didn't appreciate the last minute aspect of it. I had been planning to just watch a movie myself, especially that Drag Me to Hell movie, but by the time I got to the cinema (at the shopping centre near me) it had already started. I ended up checking out JB and I bought Street Figher: Alpha. I was going to buy some other movies as well, but told myself to control my urges and just watch one thing at a time.

I tried to get some 'potacorn' to try, but the stall downstairs said I had to go upstairs for it, and upstairs said they had sold out.

I ended up going home and watching about half the movie while eating instant noodles. It was pretty good. I think the first one I bought - Alpha Generations - is by far the worst ouf of the three, but only because it was so short!

Yesterday when I began my morning consciousness, I felt this sharp pain in my right side, it felt like my right chest had been punctured. I wondered if anything had happened to me. When I got out of bed I pin pointed the source of the pain more accurately - it was coming from my right shoulder blade. The same pain that I had in my left shoulder blade from gym was now being felt on the right side. But why? What did I do? I didn't do anything on Thursday. I didn't go to the gym, so if it's from the Wednesday session I should've felt it on Thursday, no?

The pain got so bad that I started wearing my bag on the left shoulder, and it felt really uneasy so I just carried it by the handles. At work I started the day by calling the IT guy again. At first he wanted me to go through their bureaucratic processes again but I told him how I had already done that and we were on the phone for the next 10 minutes talking about it, and he made it more of a priority and said someone would be over.

Court was as usual, we had half a day because it was a Friday. Crown didn't finish, but might finish on Monday, and then it's our turn. At morning tea we had another cake, this time because it was Julianna's last day on the case. She is such a nice girl. Wish I was in her position - finish this case, take 4 weeks leave, and come back to a nice, stable government job.

After court everyone left except DC and I. We stayed back to talk about the case a bit, and then he left. I stayed back a bit longer to look for something and also wait for any IT guy to arrive, but then decided they weren't coming so I left.

On the train I called John, and expressed my interest in working with him:

Me: Hey I bumped in Chris, the Malaysian guy, the other day, and he told me Spawn was working with you now.

John: Yeah he is, he told me he didn't want to be on a fixed salary working nine to five.

Me: Just wondering if there was still enough room for me then.

I heard the pause in his voice. He was obviously taken back by it. He then welcomed me any time, saying there was plenty of work to go around, and that there were two offices. We had a brief chat, and I told him about my plans. I was honest with him, I just said that I had applied for a prosecution job and was waiting to hear back from them, and if they said no then I'd be ready to work with him. He said that was ok and that he understood, that he wouldn't stand in my way in terms of careers. Also told him that library guy had made me an offer as well, so that's why I didn't reply that night when we were together.

I am not sure whether pulling the trigger this early was the right thing to do. I hope it was. I was just following the 'honesty is the best policy' philosophy. I guess only time can tell.

Since I knew the massage girl started her shift at 3pm, I had planned to visit her. I went up to Rand to get some chocolate strawberries. The fruit shop in the large shopping centre didn't have them, so I went to the fruit store I went to last time. I bought two, and when I asked for a box the guy tried to sell me two more and sounded annoyed when I refused.

As I was crossing the road to go home, I called the place, ready to make a booking, holding the box of strawberries in my hand.

Receptionist: [Korean greeting]

Me: Hi, is Jenny working today?

Receptionist: Yes...uh, no, she's not working today.

Ok, that was a bit strange.

I eventually came to the conclusion that maybe she, or the place, didn't want me to see her anymore. I felt a little depressed. Yet again, any prospects of romance in my life had failed again. Yes, I was barking up the wrong tree, going down the wrong path, pursuing what I shouldn't, but it didn't mean that it wouldn't have worked at this early stage. But my fate cut me off already.

I ended up giving the strawberries to my mom. She then gave them to my sister.

I bummed around on the net a bit before going to the shopping centre near me to see Drag Me to Hell. As I was walking to the upper area holding my popcorn and coke, a girl maintained eye contact on me. I looked once, looked away, and looked back, and she was still looking at me.

Even though the movie had just come out on Thursday, the cinema wasn't even close to full. I don't even think it was at half capacity. I wasn't expecting this to be a legendary Forrest Gump movie, but I just felt like a cheap thrill horror film with a hot blonde. She was pretty hot on the poster, but she looks nothing like that in the movie.

Maybe it was because of my low expectations, but the movie was actually pretty good. It really kept me watching throughout the entire film, and I liked how towards the latter part of the film there were several occasions where you think the movie would end but then it doesn't, and then it finally ends with a bit of a twist. That was really good. Really really good for a movie full of no-bodys.

When the lights came back on after the movie, I realised that the girl who looked at me before was actually a mother whow as with her daughter. Geez, the first hint of me reaching an age where I'm starting to attract older, and probably divorced women.

I didn't feel like going home just yet, so I drove to the seaside, partly to see whether there were indeed any street racing going on, but I think I was too early, as it was only about 9:30pm. I parked there and sat silently for a while, before driving off to Kings X for some sightseeing.

I got lost a bit and ended up in suburbs I had never been to before. Apparently these were the rich suburbs.

Finally, with my music on mute and windows up, I drove through the busy streets of Kings X a couple of times trying to pick out the hookers (not that I intended on being a customer) but again, I think it was too early in the night.

I ended up calling it a night after that.

This morning, the pain in my shoulder had lessened, thought still very much present. Also this morning, it seems like it was the first time in a long time that I felt my knee was ok. It was as if I had never hurt it. But as the day went on, I began to feel it being vulnerable again.

I stayed at home a bit, trying to burn some of the Street Fighter movies for Scope, but it didn't work. I played a bit of Hitman on my PS2, had a shower and then met up with Scope and Brain in the city for a movie.

We watched Cedar Boys, which was sooooo damn good! I never thought an Australian movie could be that good, and even though from the trailer I thought id' be an interesting movie, I didn't think I would like it that much.

I think the reason I liked it so much was because there were so many issues I could relate to:

1. The behaviour of 'wogs' - I grew up in a public school, and so pretty much talk like them, to a degree act like them, and find the way they act pretty funny.

2. Superficiality of society and women - those scenes where Tarek gets denied access to night clubs because of his looks, I could sooo empathise with that. And then how Nebill was saying that the hot girls only go for guys with fame and money, that was so true as well. Glad it was reality being portrayed on the big screen. And for those girls who disagree, ask yourself this: what chance did Tarek have with Amy if he didn't supply her with drugs?

3. Greed - Maybe for everyone there comes a point in their life where they can decide to grow their money slowly and steadily with little to no risk, or earn a LOT of easy money in a short period of time with more risk. This was me with the casino. And this was Tarek with the drugs. No matter the intention you have (for him, it was getting the money for his brother's appeal), it is always the actions that count.

4. Crime - because of the nature of my work, I am closely inter-related to this aspect of life. But as a lawyer, I only see things after the fact, whereas this movie took you to what was actually happening and how it was happening. Great stuff.

5. Good looking women - I always dreamed that my perfect girl would be extremely hot, smart and decent. If this movie could be proof that that was impossible, then it doesn't get any better. When I see hot girls, I assume they're smart and decent, that they're perfect, like angels. The reality? They get so much attention, they love it, and it leads them to crazy lives full of partying, drugs, and in some cases, strippers or prostitution. After all, why not use what assets God has given you? When I used to see hot women at the gym, I used to put them on a pedestal, but now I just think that they're probably strippers or prostitutes, hence why they've invested so much in their appearance.

Scope liked the movie, Brain thought it was a bit weird. I couldn't understand how he'd think that, but then I must remember that my job is deeply involved in crime, so I must be more interested in it than him.

We had KFC after, and I lent Scope my three Street Fighter movies. He gave me Office which GS had asked for. We talked about the movie, work, uni, and video games. They also told me they were going to Bobby's for poker tonight. At first I felt a bit left out, and then reminded myself that I had chosen to let go of that part of my life, and I started feeling better again.

Inching closer to the end...

Well I didn't end up meeting Rod. I called him and he was in another suburb far far away. I think that was one of his flaws - that he was unreliable.

So after I left the shopping centre last night I decided to kill some time by catching the bus out to the city then back again. I ended up going to the internet cafe in the city and spending some time there, then caught the bus back home.

I was surprised to see my sister at home and asked her if she went to the meeting. She said she didn't. I asked her where mom was and she said she went out. Mom came home soon and when I asked why she didn't go to the meeting, she got angry and blamed me.

Why was it my fault that they didn't go to the meeting??? She claimed that I deliberately came home late to avoid it, and I said I had already told her I couldn't make it and she had already said she'd go with my sister. She then said my sister didn't want to go.

I had planned to go to a massage place, and on my way out she scolded me again for something I didn't even understand, and I just got so mad I went to the casino. I was up a bit more than $200 and then ended up losing all of my $500.

I felt like shit. I really really felt like shit. I was out of control. I am scared of myself and what I will do. I am a gambling addict. I swear I will never gamble again. I know I've said it before and failed, so don't take my word for it this time. Just watch my actions.

After that I went to the usual massage place. One of the receptionists, the tall thin one, had walked out from the back room and smiled at me when she saw me.

Oh god, now they recognise you.

I saw a girl called Lulu who seemed a bit stuck up at first, but then seemed to come around during the session. I find that the best way for girls to come around is to keep quiet. Ultimately they can't bare the silence or they think you're so mysterious they start talking to you. On the other hand, if you keep yapping away they'll find you annpoying and completely un-mysterious.

It was a bit of a gamble to go, because I finished just after 11pm, knowing that I had to be at Penrith today, I feared the scenario where I lacked sleep and refused to wake up and had to call up the D court to tell them I was running late. That would be the ultimate demise of me - for my personal troubles to affect my work life.

The other scenario could be that I wake up bright and early, get there extra early, do heaps of preparation even though it was just a mention, and let it be a good start to a rehabilitated life.

Which do you think happened?

I woke up at 5:40am today, had a shower, had breakfast, and got the car out just after 6:30am. I saw nurse lady, don't think she saw me. Not long after driving off, I felt a stomachache coming on. At first I told myself to hold it the rest of the trip, then I told myself to stop at the Parra shopping centre for a toilet visit (which would be about halfway there), but then ended up going to a small plaza closer to where I was to relieve myself.

Some people there who were getting ready for the day ahead probably thought I was a bit out of place. What was a guy in a suit doing at a shopping centre at 7:15 in the morning?

I resumed my drive after that. Oh, and the reason I drove was because I felt like going for a long drive, listening to music, and just thinking in my head. I actually really enjoyed the rest of the trip.

I parked at a car park opposite the court, thinking it was free. I sat in my car and wrote up notes for my mention, like the history of the matter (doubt I was going to be asked about that, but hey you never know), what I wanted etc. I then went into the building and sat around waiting for the courtroom to open. I saw so many familiar faces. It's like I've been let out of an asylum and back into a community of people I used to see all the time.

I saw an Asian guy there and thought that maybe my Cantonese niche might have to be shared, but luckily when he spoke in court I realised he had a strong Asian accent and his English didn't seem too good.

As I waited for my matter to be called, I was pretty nervous, even though I used to do this all the time and it was very straight forward. When my matter was called, it was like instinct. I walked towards the bar, and on my way there I mentioned my appearance. I spoke with confidence, but also in a humble manner. I got what I wanted and left.

Job well done. Bravo.

I felt so happy after that.

I ended up having to pay for my parking, bloody hell. I drove back to Parra, and on my way from the car park to court, I bought a pack of gummi bears because for the last couple of days I have been having a craving for sweets. It was well accepted by Twish, Kate and SB. I was glad.

I joined everyone during morning tea. It was also good to be back in my 'shelter'. I had lunch with Twish, and we bumped into her dancing friend (same one I met at her birthday) so we had lunch with her as well. I can tell that her friend is a very caring person. As Twish told her about her problems with CW, her friend studied Twish's face carefully to analyse and determine exactly how Twish was feeling. I was thinking that she'd make a great girlfriend because she understood and empathised, but then when she later mentioned her godson I realised that that was the downside of someone so friendly - they're too friendly and get involved in too many things. What the hell is a god son or god mother anyway? Isn't that just like someone who has been given some degree of responsibility to look after you?

Rom Rom later joined us for lunch, and after Twish's friend left, it didn't seem as talkative as usual. Twish was pretty quiet and I tried to make up by talking about other stuff. Twish is still staying out of court because of this whole CW thing, which I think is very unprofessional. When she asked me what I thought (while her friend was still there) I just said to forget it and move on. I don't think her friend thought highly of this solution.

After court today, GS told me he was leaving on 14 Sep because of another case. Of course, by then this case would most likely be finished or the jury would be out. It's of course usual for him to take up another case, because one has to keep working to maintain income, but I couldn't help but feel a bit sad that this was another concrete indication that this whole thing was about to end.

*sigh*

Despondent

Hi,

Here I sit at the shopping centre where I usually go gym. I spoke to Michael D earlier, just updating him with what's been happening and talking about the mention tomorrow. He said something like "so, it's all coming to an end". I'm not sure if that was his way of hinting that he'd let me go as soon as GS finishes. Maybe that was his intention but then didn't end up going through with it. Should I explicitly talk to him about that? Or are we both right to assume I'm hired until the very last day when the verdict returns?

So talk of the end made me feel despondent.

I then called Dunnycan up to try and organise movies tomorrow night since we have a bye. Fat Pat hasn't replied to my fb invitation, so he can go stuff it. When Dunnycan found out about the venue and that it was probably just me and Mike, he sounded hesitant and said he'd call me back. I understand.

So that made me feel despondent as well.

You might be asking why I don't just go home and drown out my sorrows there. Well it's because we're supposed to have a strata meeting tonight and I don't really want to turn up with my mom and try to communicate her irrational reasoning with the clash of more logical reasoning of others. So my sister will go with her.

I really have nothing to do, nowhere to wait. The casino has sucked me dry and spat me out, and that has made me despondent too.

The battery on my lap top is running out soon too, so...that makes me despondent also.

The luck stops here

I was soooo bored at work yesterday, the internet and printing wasn't working (still isn't) and after the last entry, I did a bit of work and then left for home at 1-ish. I got the car, went out to fill it up with petrol, and then went to the casino.

I can't believe how busy it is even in the afternoon on a weekday. I swear that one table must have a tilted wheel, because it's always packed with people. I had withdrawn $300 and lost it. I thought about it a bit and then withdrew $300 more. I lost that and withdrew $300 again, and lost that. Every single table, every single wheel, every single spin, was not landing on my half of the wheel. Incredible.

Just after my loss I said "thank you" to the dealer as I walked away. He mustn't have heard me because once he realised I had left, he yelled out "thank you" in a way as if to say "yeah thanks for saying bye you rude bastard". Add that to the loss of $900, I was hating the casino.

I knew I was due for a loss soon, but was still shocked at how much I lost and how much self control I lost. It's like something overcomes me and I just keep gambling and gambling until I reach my daily withdrawal limit.

I wanted to get away from there quick. I wanted to go home. On my drive home I began thinking about how I would quit gambling from now on. And then I thought about how this was just one loss and that I could continue given my good form recently, provided I controlled myself. And then I thought about giving it up altogether not just because of the loss of money, but because I just didn't want to associate with that type of place anymore.

I went home, made some instant noodles to eat and watched the news. I was lying around in bed waiting to go to the gym when I thought about trying the massage girl again. I told myself I could only go after the gym, so I quickly got changed and headed off. I used that as motivation to get out of bed.

I went to the gym and did rowing for 5km. As I was walking out of the gym, I called the place up and asked if she was working. The lady sounded half sympathetic and half disappointed as she told me that it was her day off. My heart sank. I know it shouldn't, but it did. I didn't know what to do. I felt like wandering around aimlessly. I was lost.

I ended up going home and doing my tax return. I think I'll get back what I lost at the casino. So in a way, I just lost my tax return. Kinda made me feel a bit better.

Today I came into the office just before 9:30 and was surprised to see GS in his room. I said good morning and confirmed that we didn't have court today, but he said we did. It was just a small thing relating to my client's brother, which I didn't know about. I had to borrow GS' tie as I wasn't wearing mine.

Court was finished in less than 20 minutes. GS left after that, and I stayed back to do some work. Amazingly I got it all done, ate my home packed lunch and then went to the gym. I cycled for 5km and did a bit of arms and abs. I couldn't help but get some wicked wings at KFC. It was a shocker, the chicken looked like it had been there for a day. Bad decision.

Rod sent me a message on fb earlier, asking for my number saying he knows someone looking for a part time lawyer. After I sent him my number he called me and we're supposed to meet up this afternoon.

The luck continues

Yesterday court was very short. About 20 minutes into it, one juror (KD Lang) started coughing, and so we took an early morning tea for her to get some air/water/rest.

During morning tea we all gathered around in the office to sing happy birthday to CW, and DY had brought a cake in. Two noticeable things:

1) I bought the cake for DC, and DY bought the cake for CW. Where's Twish?
2) Even though Twish was in the office, a keen observer would note that she was not present at all during the whole thing.

Anyway, the cake was good, but more importantly, it's always good to see everyone gather around and to see all the baristas make jokes about the case. RB said it was good that even after so many months, we weren't at eachother's throats. CW joked that he recognised the handwriting of one of the accused on the cake, lol.

When everything had quietened down, I decided to go to the toilet. Because I sit close to it, I'm probably the best person to ask whether there is someone in there or not. I didn't think there was, so I went in without knocking, and in the mirror saw CW standing with his back to me, obviously in the process of a number one. He calmly asked "yes?"

I apologised profusely as I closed the door and left. Far out.

When we resumed at court, we were told that the juror needed the rest of the day off. Even though I haven't found a job yet, so that my situation dictates that I would want this to drag on as long as possible, I couldn't help but feel annoyed because it was such a big waste of time.

GS left first, and then I left with DC and parted ways as I had to go buy a usb (I lost my one) and he had to go to a chemist. I had packed my own lunch so I ate it at the train station. My ribena drink was sooo yum! Mmmm.

On the train, I was on my laptop when DC called. We talked a bit about the case, and that was when I smelled something burning. I told him I smelled something, but didn't think much of it because I just thought it was something outside that was burning. Then people started to go downstairs, and then I heard them bang on the train guard's door and yell fire. I said to DC, "shit, there's a fire", and he joked, he JOKED "is everyone yelling allah akbar?"

Like, I wasn't panicking or anything, but it seemed kinda odd and out of place for a joke at that time. Anyway, I hung up and went down to see what was happening. The train soon pulled hastily to a stop at a station which it wasn't supposed to stop at.

We were let out of the carriage and most of us stood outside the bit where there was supposed to be a fire. Some people who had been close to the smoke said there was smoke coming out from under the seat at the bottom carriage, but the guards couldn't find anything. My guess was something mechanical underneath was causing it.

We were asked to get into the other carriages and then were told that the train would only go as far as Central, which was ok with me cause that's where I was pretty much going anyway. As I sat for the rest of the trip, I wondered if I was safe. I mean, I had now gone to like the fourth or fifth carriage, so I was pretty sure if there was going to be any type of explosion it wouldn't reach this far...would it?

It was kinda exciting to feel that I might be one of the victims/witnesses of a blast of some sort, and I felt like texting someone in case this was one of my last chances to do so. But I realised I had no one to text, nor anything interesting to say. Maybe, it was because, I had no one to love.

I also pictured how this was eerily similar to a movie scene. You know, how a plane, train or whatever would have all sorts of characters on it before an explosion. There were mums, babies, prams, students, and I was the business man. Never expected that.

Ultimately, the train couldn't even make it to Central, as we were all evacuated at the stop before it. I hopped onto another train and was glad that I was getting away from that potential disaster. I thought it was funny though, how they decided they could drive it a bit more to safety instead of just asking everyone to wait for the next train. Geez, that could've been a decision gone wrong.

I decided to go to the courts for some privacy so I could get some job searching done. Just before I was about to walk up the stairs to level 2, a voice called out my name. It was Chris, that older Malaysian student who went to the same uni as me. From memory, I don't think I liked him that much back then, because he seemed kinda shifty, and he smelled.

We had a bit of a chat, and he said he was looking for work, after having worked in Malaysia for two years. I passed on Joey's and library guy's numbers to him as they both knew him and could help him. He also told me that Spawn was now working with John, and if we go back to that invitation John made a while ago to have dinner with Spawn, it all made sense.

Upstairs in the conference room, I searched for jobs but found nothing new. It seemed like the desperation for a job was hitting me now, whereas for Twish it had hit at least a month ago. I don't know why she's looking, because as far as she knows, she'll probably still be employed after this, although there is the slim chance her boss may let her go after this case.

To comfort myself, I told myself that there was always John who I could work with if worse came to worse. But now that Spawn is in the picture, I am not sure how that would work. I don't think Spawn would be a very good person to work with, he can be very argumentative and doesn't know how to meet clients' needs. I thought about calling John and telling him that I was willing to work with him, but what if the prosecution came back and said I was hired? Would John get angry? Would he feel like I had screwed him over?

After sending one job application away which I didn't really want anyway but did it just to see if I'd get a response, I decided to go to the casino. On my way there, I bumped into Fab, who was on his way to lunch with his sisters. Christ, talk about a relaxing life.

He asked me where I was going.

To the casino!

I told him about the sick juror and made up a story about wanting to go check out JB and that I was also looking for a DVD rack. He pointed me in the direction of a shop, which I went to check out just to give some time to get away from him (which didn't have DVD racks anyway) and then went to the casino.

I remember spotting a table there last time which had my sector come out a lot, and I wondered whether that was a biased wheel. I checked it out again and the results were consistent with my guess, but two sample sizes is hardly large enough. I wanted to play on that table but it was full, so went to another table.

I went to a table where there was an Indonesian woman playing small, and the dealer was a tall brunette, who looked a bit like a tom boy and who for some reason I associated with horses.

I coloured in, then waited for a few spins as the last few had already been in my sector. I wondered if it annoyed her that someone had coloured in but just sat there not playing. After skipping those first few spins, I played, and lost on my first spin. I then won two chips when it landed on 0.

The lady next to me kept betting 0, 1 and 3, so she won on that spin. I hoped for a double and so put some chips on 0 and 0,2,3. It was a double. I thought I only had one chip on 0 straight up but I had two.

So that got me some money, and then I won a bit more. The lady next to me decided to cash in, and I followed, with a gain of $290. I spent the next hour or so walking around and watching. GS had sent me a text saying that court won't resume until Thursday at the earliest, and that made me want to stay and play some more but then decided it was better to be up than down.

This is a really funny job. I don't think I'll ever have a job like it again. Where else can I have so much free time???

I saw a dude being escorted from a table. He had won big earlier, and won an alright amount again. He had been playing with $100 chips. Some fat bloke flashed his badge and asked him to leave the table. There were two other casino security guards surrounding him. I wonder what he had done. Was he cheating? Or was he being arrested by the police? Were they going to backroom him?

On another round of walkaround, I saw them waiting for him as he cashed in his chips at the cashier. I decided not to get too close to the action in case they thought I was a part of it or something.

After more browsing, I finally decided to leave. I wanted to go watch The Year One, but when I got to the cinema saw that they only had one session and it had passed. Thought about getting something to eat because I was hungry, but then decided to save some money. Went to get my weekly train ticket and then went home.

No one was home, and I made some hash browns and ate it while watching Street Fighter again, hehe, that is so cool. For a while I had a sense of what it would be like to live by myself. I'd come home from work, eat, and enjoy myself by watching whatever I wanted. That was life. That would be life. Would it be so much different if I had a girlfriend?

Later on I went to the gym for some cycling. Didn't go to the cycle class room because there was someone in there so I went upstairs. Those bikes seem a bit harder. I cycled for an hour, which really tired my legs out. I then went to do arms and abs. I didn't do benchpress because I wanted to identify what it was exactly that was causing pain in my left shoulder blade. I feel ok now, so maybe it's the benchpress.

I am really starting to wonder when my luck will run out. A part of me is beginning to feel that maybe I can start doing this for a living. I mean, even if I earn $100 a day, that would be good enough, wouldn't it? But I am always cautious to remind myself, that one of the biggest mistakes you can make is to assume consistency - just because you've won in the past doesn't mean you'll win again in the future.

Another part of me also knows that I can't keep doing this. Something, whatever it may be, will put an end to it. Maybe the casino will see that I'm winning consistently and kick me out. Maybe I'll get hit by a car. Maybe we'll move somewhere far far away. Maybe the tax office will invent something to tax me. I don't know.

I also fantasised about going to a casino in another state, with the assumption that the cost of travelling would all be won back. I know, I'm fantasising.

But so far, I have reduced my debt considerably with my winnings. Is it possible to eradicate the whole of my debt via gambling? Also, like I've said before, it's probably unfair to say that the debt I am in now is wholly due to gambling. I mean, I reckon I'd be in much less debt if I hadn't been whoring so much.

Sometimes when I listen to 'My Darling' by Eminem, there's a part where the devil says "you didn't know everything had a price too?" and it makes me think - am I paying for all this in some indirect way? I mean, maybe God said "alright, I'll let you win all this money, but I'm going to take away your ligament". Sometimes I wonder if life is like that.

If it is, and God is reading this, just to let you know, I would never, NEVER, sacrifice my ligament or any part of my body. It's the most important thing. If I could choose keeping my ligaments and losing all my money would I do it? In an instant, without a second thought.

Even though my knee feels a little more stable (though I am not sure whether this is due to exercise or to recovery in general through time), most of the times it feels tired, sore, like it's throbbing. How can I live the rest of my live like this? And am I destined to be a "has been" because of one jump shot that went wrong?

The visiting cousin

I forgot to mention that Ele left a surprise message on my fb page a few days ago. It all begins from when I sent her my reply to her dinner invitation:

Hi Ele,

Thanks for the invite, but I will not be able to make it.
I have been busy with work, but hope to see you soon.

Simple as that. Polite, but straight to the point. And no, I have no intention to see her soon.

And true to the word of the ladder theory that "you can only pursue what runs away", she leaves a message on my fb page after that. I had taken a Mortal Kombat quiz on fb and got the result of Liu Kang (I wanted Scorpion or Sub-Zero). G then commented on the result with "get over here!", a reference to Scorpion's famous line when shooting a hook and line into an opponent's neck.

Ele then commented after that with "and over here!". Granted, I'm sure she doesn't know what the hell Mortal Kombat is, but the writing is on the wall. Such a shame that women are like this, seriously.

Today I did some work for a couple of hours and then went downstairs to wash the top half of my car. I saw Grizzly, who was just about to drive away with his mom after packing in his final things into the car. We chatted briefly, and so he is finally moving back home. In a distant sense, I will miss having him live next door.

Now that my car is all sparkly clean, I don't feel like driving it anywhere, lol.

After that I caught the bus out to the city for a conference with GS and DC. I hadn't had lunch yet, so I bought a fillet-o-fish burger. Yes, seeing how cows were killed did have an influence on my decision.

I arrived first and then DC arrived shortly afterwards. We talked about the closing for just over two hours, with me mainly listening and occasionally making points. I hate it when DC asks if I have a contribution to make, because it feels like an attack on me, and yeah, I do feel threatened like that. It's like implying that I'm not doing anything. I mean, if I had something constructive to add, I'd say it.

After that I went to the casino, won $50 and then cashed it in. There is this one cashier who is quite pretty, I wonder if she's noticed me yet.

I grabbed a free drink and walked around a bit checking out roulette tables. I watched a video on youtube last night about a man and his family noting down roulette numbers on particular wheels that would come out more often than other numbers. Their theory was that they had stumbled upon biased wheels. And on that basis, they made over a million dollars.

So I tried to take that strategy and spot wheels where my sectors would come out more often. Of course, this is only the beginning, spotting 14 results is hardly research. But unlike them, I'm not going to sit there and track 20,000 spins either.

After that I went to check out the cinema for session times for The Year One, but I had missed their only session so I headed back home.

A few nights ago my cousin Cathy had sent me a message on MSN saying she was coming to Australia around September and asked if I'd take her around. She and her family were amongst those who looked after me when I went to Hong Kong and China, so I couldn't say no. Not that I wanted to, I mean they were all really nice to me, and even though I'd probably feel bothered by it, I would say yes any day.

I considered whether I should tell my mom. Normally I wouldn't, but I figure it'd be a bit weird if Cathy returned home, told her family, word got around and back to my mom and it'd be a bit strange if anyone ever found out I didn't tell my own family.

My mom was very much against me having anything to do with her or her family, and told me to ignore her. Nice, great. See, the root of most of my problems is my mom. I don't blog about it much, because I don't like to, but this upsets me quite a bit.

I remember when just before I went to Hong Kong, my mom was telling me how to trust only my family over there and how nice they'd be to me, especially her friend who showed me all around. And then when I come back, she starts bad mouthing them and tells me to cut off all communication with them.

Firstly, I'm my own man and I don't need anyone telling me who to and who not to keep in touch with. Secondly, I'm not going to do an about face to people who treated me with kindness. My mom always comes back with the line "you are a bad son, a disobedient son". But I wonder how far that can be used. I mean, if you earn money and don't give any to your family, is it fair to be criticised for being a bad son? Maybe.

What if your mom tells you to kill someone and you refuse. Is that being a bad son?

And then to make things worse, my mom goes into my sister's room and starts whispering to her about Cathy is about to come to Australia. Like, what is there in the family that can be said but can't be heard by me? It's so fucking rude. So fucking rude.

Fun Day Out

Yesterday I had planned to attend the 7:45am cycle class at the gym, but that was the time I woke up so couldn't be bothered.

Instead, I had pizza for breakfast and bummed around on the net for a bit. In the early afternoon I went downstairs to wash my car, only washed the bottom half sides because they were the dirtiest parts.

I then went out to the city intending to return to that place near Rod's stall to get a pack of Jujyfruits, as seen on Seinfeld. On the way there, I was handed this small advertisement about an exhibition on psychiatry, which I thought I'd check out on my way back.

I thought I couldn't find the lolly shop at first, but it was just further down the street than I had remembered. I thought it'd be extra expensive because it wasn't really sold in Australia as much, but it was only $2.75. I bought a pack and started eating it as I walked down the street. I kept looking at the box all over. I couldn't believe it. This was what Elaine had in Seinfeld!! It was alright, wasn't as great as I had expected, but I didn't like the licorice flavoured ones. I remember in primary school I hated licorice, and then I learnt to like it later on, and now I hate it again.

I went to check out that exhibition, and part of me wondered why they were so desperate to get people in if it was going to be free. There had to be a catch. I was immediately shown to a television which had an introductory DVD segment playing, and it just basically claimed that the psychiatric industry was a phoney and made up 'illnesses' so they could prescribe drugs and make money. Eye opening indeed.

I watched a few more segments as I made my way through the exhibition, then got bored and decided to leave, but filled out a survey and petition. After leaving, I wondered about the intelligence of myself of leaving my name and address on the petition. Were they going to send me junk mail? Were they going to rob me? Were they going to knock on my front door?

I looked at some of the pamphlets I got again and saw that they didn't put an office address, but their webtsite ended in 'org.au', so it was at least a proper organisation...right?

I decided to go check out the cinema at Market City to see if they were playing Year One anytime soon, but turns out they weren't playing it at all. Weird. I did a bit of browsing through the shops, and checked out that Giordano place. They had this pile of clothes where everything was $20, and I saw a really nice white jumper but they were all in the same size which was too small for me.

I tried a grape soda from the supermarket, and it wasn't all that great. I found myself in Chinatown and decided to check out one of those Asian DVD stores. I was looking for some Street Fighter anime but couldn't find any, which was surprising, until I was about to leave and passed the front counter which had 'Street Fighter: The Ties That Bind'!!!

I was so excited to see it because it looked very new, and it was like the poster they had on the buses. I thought that poster was used only for the video game. I bought it for $18, and went home to watch it.

I showed my sister the pamphlets I had collected earlier, she seemed pretty interested in it, and then told me that they were a branch of Scientology.

I knew it! I knew there was a catch!

Anyway, I enjoyed the movie over a steak, and both were very good. I'm beginning to like Ryu more and more now. I like how he's so isolated and hard to get in touch with. He has his own sense of freedom and direction. I think I'm going to watch it again.

Fast Food Nation

Got to work yesterday just after GS as I walked in after him at the scanners. When we got up to the office, barely anyone had arrived and I saw GS was robed, and it was only then that I remembered we had a 9:30 start.

DC came a bit late, I think he was driving CW. CW was late, so even the judge had to adjourn to wait for him, lol. I find that we've all taken the characteristics of children in a classroom. RB's team are the goody goodies, who do everything right, and who the teacher goes to to sort out any issues amongst the students.

DD's team is the quiet one, barely saying a word, always just sitting there, observing. DY's team is the all-girl team, which the teacher has a crush on but would never admit it because it's wrong.

My team is the slightly naughty team at the back of the room, always snickering, but we're also the techies, the ones who know everything about computers and resort to our laptops to look for anything. CW's team is the very bad one, the one who is always late, likes to talk back to the teacher, the one who loses things and always seems unprepared.

Anyway, shortly after we started, Twish came tumbling and fumbling in, carrying her laptop, folders, cables and whatever else. I heard CW and her whispering loudly, and I had my suspicion that it may have been a slight argument. Then she asked me if we had a spare folder of the one we were going through, and I said I didn't think so. She then went to ask Kate, and Kate said something to her. Twish then went out the courtroom, and Kate followed. I asked DC if we had a spare folder of that type, and he said he did, on his little cubicle desk. So I went out after them to get it.

In the lift, Twish started crying, and Kate just told her not to worry about CW. We all rushed into the office to look for that folder. I found our one, but Kate ended up giving her one to Twish because our one seemed more disorganised.

Twish gave it to PL, and then Kate and I went back up to court. Kate sided with Twish, saying CW didn't have to go off at her. I didn't know what to say, but then Kate thought it was funny how we both rushed out to help Twish, lol.

Twish didn't come back up to court for the rest of the day. Indeed, I never even saw her after that. I thought she was in her office but she wasn't.

We finished at noon, GS left, and then I went to the bank to deposit my coins and then got a kebab and asked for it to be cut in half so I could share it with DC. DC seemed to really enjoy it, lol. Maybe it's because we both went to public schools, but we both seem to act the same way, have the same sense of humour and enjoy the things that private school boys don't always seem to.

Anyway, Kate was waiting for a ride from him, so after they both left I decided to go to the toilet then finish for the day. While I was in the toilet I heard someone enter the office. When I came out, it was the Vietnamese girl who assists LA. We had a bit of a talk, started with me asking her about how government agencies process job applications, and she said that they take a looooong time because there are so many steps they have to go through. However, she said that the longer you don't hear from them, the better, because they go through culling processes and let those culled applicants know first, so if you haven't heard from them then chances are you're still in it. Good to know.

We also had a pretty cool talk about tourette syndrome. I told her about how in court, there was a journalist behind me, and when RM was reading out what one of the accused said, I heard the journalist say "fucking cunt". I was kinda stunned by how emotional he got from that, and even considered turning around to give him a look. But then DC told me the dude had tourette syndrome, where one of the symptoms may be that one involuntarily swears at any given time.

Far out. How nasty is that? And the girl told me that that was only a mild example. She knew a girl who involuntarily punched things, so she would punch her mom, punch the walls and everything. Jesus christ.

Anyway, I left after that and went home. I did think about giving Twish a call to see if she was ok, but then decided against it because I didn't want to play, or be seen to playing, the role of a boyfriend.

I got my gym stuff and drove to the gym. After parking in the shopping centre, I decided to go check out the video store to see if there were any good ex-rental movies to buy. They were all cheaper than JB, because they were 'used', but they had a different range, so that kept me interested for a while.

I ended up buying Fast Food Nation for $4.95. JB was selling it too, but for a higher price, so got a bargain there. I also decided to say something 'extra' to whoevever it was that served me. I was in a bit of a chatty mood.

A blonde girl at the counter ended up serving me. I handed her the box and she took it. As I paid the money, I said "I hope this will stop me from eating junk food". I immediately noticed her workmate next to her look at me, and I felt a bit like I was on a stage or something. The blonde girl laughed and said "is that why you're buying it?". As I started walking off, I said "yep" and she said "well $4.95 well spent".

Hehehe...hahahaha...MWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

I walked all the way to the gym with a smile on my face. It seems so easy. But at the same time, I found that people don't expect me to say anything. Maybe I look like the quiet type. Or maybe people assume all Asians are quiet.

At the gym, I did the benchpress, some curls, and then started on the rowing. The televisions kept me more entertained than last time, maybe because The Simpsons were on. My jersey got stuck at times underneath the seat, so I had to end up tucking the back in. I did my 5km and felt exhausted.

I changed and then drove to the casino for the 9pm draw. I was sooo early, I had like 90 minutes before the draw. I ended up playing, withdrawing $300 and going to a table with one guy playing, even though many other tables were full, like any normal Friday night.

But then after I received my chips, the guy who had been playing left. Uh-oh. Because I don't play every spin, I need others there to take the spin for me, because most dealers won't spin unless there are bets on the table. So if I wanted the dealer to spin, I'd have to bet. I suppose I could always bet, wait for it to spin, then take the bet off, but then I'd just be an asshole.

So I placed my bets and the ball landed on 12, within my sector, and I won $70. I then placed the colour and colum bet and won $65. Another guy then joined, and he placed a bet covering the same sectors that I do, and he lost. I cashed in, and had a bit of a chat with him. He said that since it had landed in our sector three times he thought it would keep it up. My way of thinking was very different - if it has been there three times in a row, it's less likely to land there again. Yes, I believe in even distribution.

I spent the next hour or so walking around, sitting down and having two free hot chocolates. I saw that Taiwanese guy there and tried to see how he did and also how he placed his bets. After all, what I'm doing now is just like a wider and adjusted version of his. I found that he changes the size of his sector from time to time, and so it's a lot riskier. He won big on one spin but then started losing it back as he kept playing.

I was also checking out this hot dealer. I think I've played on her table before, like on a Saturday morning where she talked me into leaving while I was up. She re-did her hair, and she is sooo sexy. I think I was a bit too obvious though, because she noticed, and at one stage I caught her looking me up and down, but I don't like it when women do that and I'm wearing a suit, makes them seem like gold diggers.

When 9pm arrived, they drew someone not me, so I left. I went to buy two large pizzas to take home, and shared it with my mom as I watched Fast Food Nation.

Good movie, made me want to stop eating my pizza but because I already had it I kept eating it. It did, however, really turn me off burgers. Not so much because it might be dirty or anything, but the way the cows are slaughtered...I mean, in the back of my mind I know that our meat comes from cows, and that cows have to be killed. But when you actually see how it works, that's when you think it's wrong. It really does make you wonder what humans, as a species, are doing on and to this planet. The things that we are capable of are disgusting. And why? For money.

For greed.

Thursday comp: 2-6-2

Drove to work today because of bball, and tried to get there as early as I could, but ended up arriving at my same usual time of just before 9am.

I went and parked in the shopping centre first, because I had to use that bank machine to deposit my money (a lot faster than lining up in queues and then being sold unwanted financial products by the teller). I grabbed some Macca's for breakfast before doing the deposit, and then drove to the usual car park and parked there.

The Crown continued its closing, so it was more of the same. At lunchtime I was planning to go with Twish, but I quietly asked Rom Rom if she wanted to go, because I didn't want RB to think I was trying to steal her away. She said she couldn't, and then Twish bloody yells out "geez, they're running a tight ship". Far out. But then Rom Rom took the opportunity to voice her displeasure at being kept in the office during lunch, which I think was a deliberate attempt to sound off to RB. Kinda don't like that.

I suggested we go to that Thai restaurant which Kylie, Shadi and I went to last time, as I wanted to avoid the usual cafe because there were too many people we knew there. Twish was a bit worried about the price, but when she saw the menu outside she agreed to it.

She talked about how low she was getting paid, and about how she just wanted enough money to live by herself. She really seemed to have living by herself as a goal. Even though I've always sort of wanted it, while she was talking about it I was thinking about how lonely it would be. I mean, I think I'm quite lucky to be able to go home and see my family and my cats. I can't imagine how quiet it would be without them.

She also asked me a bit about my knee. She didn't quite seem to understand why it would affect me in terms of looking for a job, and seemed to imply that if I was ok to walk then I was ok. It was at that point that I realised something: people you meet can, and will, never appreciate your past. For someone who has known me from high school, they will know how important basketball is to me. I mean, it's my life man, it's my life. And here she was suggesting that I didn't need surgery because I could walk. Very disappointing.

I ended up paying for her lunch, because she had just enough, and since I won last night I still had a bit of cash in my wallet after the deposit.

We finished court at 3pm today, and we took advantage of the early finish to finally have the cake for DC's birthday. We sang happy birthday, started by DY, and then everyone had a slice. I think it was too small. Should've gotten a bigger one. I can't believe how it collapsed a little just because it was left in the fridge for a day.

It felt really good to see everyone around talking and joking. I haven't seen that since the early days of beginning this job. That was another reason that persuaded me to buy the cake.

After work I went to put my bag in the car and then went to the shopping centre for a walk. I went to Myer even though I knew I wasn't going to be interested in their expensive ties and shirts (since I already bought one recently), and checked out some of the stuff in mens clothing. As I was browsing, I heard a voice call out to me. It was Rod! I was pretty glad to see him, cause I was just killing time and I knew he'd be good company.

We talked for a bit before I asked him what he was looking for. He said he was looking for a wallet and I suggested we could shop together. He asked a lady for a particular type of wallet - one that didn't fold. They didn't have it but suggested we go to Oroton.

We went upstairs and checked out Oroton, where a lady showed Rod the wallets. I swear I always learn so much when I go shopping with Rod. If it was me, I might just carelessly check out the wallet and buy it. With Rod, he was thoroughly checking one out, feeling the material, seeing how much it could hold, chucking it back and getting another one. But the part I really admire is how he handles the sales people. For the price, I'd usually just ask "how much is this?" whereas he said "so what's the damage on this one?" lol. She tried to sell him one for $250, and he just said outright "I'm not paying $250 for this", lol. If I was an easy customer, he was a difficult one. And I admire that because people don't try to rip you off.

He didn't end up buying anything, and then we split because he had to rush to get some meat. I went to JB to waste some more time, but this time I went straight to the tv section as I was interested to see what I could buy with the amount I usually gamble with or win. I saw this one tv for $600 and checked it out a bit before moving on to the movies section. Didn't really see anything that caught my interest. I saw a movie called Pulse for $7, considered buying it and then decided it probably wasn't the type of movie you'd want to buy to keep.

I decided to go to the Auburn gym which I spotted last time I was in the area, but the traffic was so bad that by the time I got within the area it was already time to get to bball. I received a text message from Fat Pat just saying that he wasn't coming. I was so fucking angry when I saw that. He's doing it again. When he thinks we won't win, he won't come. What a quitter. Seriously. I hate anyone like that. So you'll only play when we win? What kind of an attitude is that? So just because you don't feel like losing, you leave your teammates to do the battle?

Thanks to him, I tore my ACL and now find myself where I am. Thanks mate.

I had duty first with Fab, and he was a bit late so I did it by myself for a bit to start off with. We talked a bit about work as we were doing it. He really seems to like the barista he always uses.

It was just Fab, Mike, Geoff, Roger, and Abi, who rushed back from the airport as he just returned from Perth. I didn't coach as much, because in a way, I wanted the guys to learn things themselves. I wanted them to make mistakes and see if they could correct them and learn from it. They went on a small run towards the end, so that might be some progress.

During the game, I was talking to Abi's friend Abdul. He also hurt his knee and so we really got on well talking about surgery and all that. Although it's not exactly the same injury, I found him to be in a very similar situation as me - no private health insurance and needing surgery. He said his would cost about six and a half thousand.

God, six and a half thousand?! Where am I going to get that??

After the game I had a bit of a whinge to Abi about Fat Pat and Dunnycan not turning up. He said he could understand Fat Pat not turning up, but I insisted that you can't just give up on the team.

On the drive back, I thought about going to the casino and trying to make the 9pm draw. I guess I could've made it if I rushed, but the thought of going home and eating a nice warm pie prevailed.

When I got home, I found out that my mom won a television from the club she normally goes to - the exact same tv I checked out earlier today!

Wow, can you believe that? How coincidental is that? And how lucky are we? Are we on a luck roll or something, with me winning so much from the casino lately. I mean, I've won more than a grand this month. Nevertheless, I would like to have the feeling of quitting while I'm ahead, so I'm still very cautious.

The return of DC

Yesterday morning I told GS I had gotten DC a cake for his birthday, and he ended up giving me $10 for it even though I refused. I hope he doesn't think I told him because I wanted to be paid back. Like the day before, I timidly told him I was going out to get some plastic sleeves and he asked if I wanted some money for it. I told him I was going out because, under old habit of working under Nom, she had to know everywhere I went, whereas this job gives me a lot of freedom and I'm still not too used to it.

So DC returned yesterday. He came late to court and for the first few moments that he sat down, I silently admired him and the aura he brought back. There was no 'warm up' or anything, he was instantly himself again. But then later in the day I got a little mad at him for telling me to do work after I said I was bored in court. I know, it's my fault, but can't help my emotions.

Bush had organised for the little group of me, Kylie, Shadi and Carry to attend this humanitarian talk in one of the big law firms in the city, but she ended up pulling out which had the chain reaction of everyone else pulling out. I spoke to her on the phone a bit during morning tea, and tried not to seem too eager to get some info out of her about the positions, but she didn't know anything anyway.

If that plan had gone ahead, I was picturing us meeting up at the designated time, and then we would all go have something to eat or drink in the city afterwards. Because that didn't happen, I suddenly had a lot of free time on my hands.

And you know what I do with free time right? Yep, I ended up going to the casino. I told myself I was going there for the 6pm draw, but ended up withdrawing $400 and playing while waiting for the draw. I sat at a table which had an old lady to my left and a chubby guy who was next to her but would occasionally walk around to place chips.

The lady placed bets on a lot of numbers and it seemed like she was just breaking even on every spin. The chubby got practically placed bets on every number, and got lucky a lot as he won big on many spins. I waited a few spins before playing. I must admit I was nervous when I first started placing chips on the table, but that started to disappear when I slowly grew more confident (falsely?) that the dealer was spinning consistently randomly.

I wasn't my rush-hour and bet-every-spin self a few nights ago; this time I was very calm and calculated, sometimes skipping spins to see what result would come up. I realised that skipping spins could be a lot more profitable than I thought. Think about it - if you skip a spin and your numbers come up, you don't really lose anything (although some theories of accounting would argue opportunity cost), and if your numbers don't come up, then you've just saved yourself a bundle! And I mean it, missing out on a loss is so, so very crucial. Unbelievably important.

I lost two chips to start off with, but soon found myself up $280. I pondered for a long time as to whether I should call it quits, but ended up continuing. To my surprise I never actually lost a spin. I sat some out, but the ones I played I never actually lost. How fucking lucky was that? Like, there was never a spin where I lost all my chips. That means I was always betting using my first $100.

Up $570, I finally decided to cash in and enjoy the rest of the night. It's kinda like taking off your shoes at the end of a basketball game, you're so relieved that it's all over and know you've done well.

Because I had two $10 chips, I decided to try my luck a bit more and placed bets with them on two other tables and ended up winning $20 more. So with a $590 gain I decided to cash in.

I went home and then drove to the gym. I cycled for 45 minutes. It was a lot easier now, maybe I'm a bit more used to it, or maybe my knee was feeling stronger. But I must admit, earlier in the day my knee was feeling a bit wobbly.

After the cycling session, I drove back to the city and went to that massage place. I was told my usual massage girl would come back next week when I rang. The girl I saw was called Rachel. Seeing her up close, she sometimes looked at me in a way that made me think she was a little bit psycho. I was kinda scared, lol. Especially afterwards, how she just sat next to me and stared down at me. I half expected her to pull out a knife and start stabbing me.

Oh well, hope my usual massage girl comes back.

Buying DC's cake

Tried to get to work extra early today, but failed. Nonetheless, I was still the first one there. Finished off copying the exhibits. When I was doing a stocktake I realised I didn't have some and had this sinking feeling in my heart that I had lost them.

But how? They have been here all this time, I never moved them away from here!

So when court opened I asked the associate to look for them, and voila, turns out she didn't give them to me in the first place. Phew!

Court was really short today, because one of the jurors were sick, and didn't turn up at all. At lunch time I went to the shopping centre, wanting to check out JB, but took a lot of time deciding what to eat. In the end I had a lamb kebab. I quickly browsed through JB and ended up buying Slim Shady LP. It's got some funny songs on it, lol.

I also bought a cake for DC's birthday which was on Sunday. I was pondering between doing it and not doing it.

Just get the cake man.

But it's past his birthday. And besides, you already got him the bag. You gotta save money man.

Dude, he's helped you out so much, he gives you lifts everywhere, he paid for the photocopying, and he even wrote your reference for your job application! It's best to be nice even if you don't expect a reward, because maybe you might need his help in the future.

Alright.

I was standing at the cake shop trying to decide what cake to buy when this attractive girl pops up and asked "hi, can I help you?"

She was the decent and attractive type, brown hair tied up in a pony tail, brown rimmed glasses matching her brown eyes.

I asked if they sold serviettes, and she said no, but Coles sold it for a dollar. I then asked if they provided knives and she said no. While I was walking through Coles looking for the stuff, I thought about what I could say when I returned.

Her: So was it a dollar?

Me: No...it was 99 cents.

Real funny mate...NOT! Think of something better to say you fuck wit.

When I returned, it was her who served me again. It was just a standard transaction, nothing special. I don't know how I'm ever going to meet a girl I actually like, because when I like them I freeze and don't know what to say. And when I don't like them, I'm all calm and ignore them, and then they start going after me. Far out.

And this shop makes things even harder. Like, if I wanna talk to her again, what am I supposed to do, buy another cake? Should I buy a cake every day or something? That's one sure way to get fat.

I worked in the office till about 4ish, and it was just IN hanging around. I think he wanted a lift off me, thinking that I drive to work.

After work I went to the city, bough a small milk from the supermarket, held it and walked to that bridge, wanting to sit on one of those seats and drink it, but when I got there I realised there were too many people, so continued walking and turned (away from the casino) to the harbour side. I sat on the water side and drank my milk, and then sat there some more pondering about life.

I thought about how in high school, no one or myself could've guessed that I'd be here today. I mean, right here, in a suit, at the water side, drinking milk, somewhat unsatisfied with the way life has been going, what with my job, girls, and my knee. Blowing out my knee was never within my expectations, or even nightmares.

I had always pictured myself getting a job, finding a girl, and having a family. You know, just like my dad. While I was on the bus back home, I realised I was now 27. Wow, 27 and not one girlfriend. Ever. You have to question that.

After I got home, I changed and went to the gym. I did a bit of abs and then spent the rest of the time rowing. I did 5 kilometres, which isn't bad, but even though there are like five televisions you can watch, I don't think I will be able to keep it up as it can get really really boring.

But seriously, it was like the first cardio work out I have had in a long time. Maybe I'm taking it too easy on the bikes, but it doesn't do much for me cardio-wise.

Street Fighter: Alpha Generation

Wanted to hand wash my car this morning, but just as I stepped out the door with my bucket and sponge, I felt a few drops of rain. I waited a bit and it slowly got heavier, so I just went out to the shopping centre near me to look for a DVD rack.

I couldn't really find what I was looking for. I want one that is just one column and quite tall, that can fit at least 50 DVDs, but the ones I found were either too small or not my type of design. My goal then changed to looking for that Chun Li movie which was never released in the Australian cinemas, so I waited for the newly opened JB Hi-Fi to open and checked things out there.

It's not as big as the other ones, but there's a hairdressing place next door and it'd be a perfect size if they took that over. The security guard there looked familiar, I think he works at the city one. God it's a little embarassing if he recognises me. He must think I'm up to something if I'm popping up at all their branches.

I couldn't find the movie so I drove back home, still intent on washing my car if the clouds went away.

I checked out a few work emails and bummed around on the net before deciding to check out that Asian DVD store in Chinksford. Spoke to my client on the phone while I was browsing there. They didn't have it either, and I also noticed their prices were pretty high as well.

I then spoke to my client's brother on the phone as I walked back to my car. I then drove to Bondi to check out that JB Hi-Fi. God, I was going JB Hi-Fi-crawling. I couldn't find the movie there either, and was content to just try to find a decent movie to watch, but couldn't find anything, until I saw in the anime section "Street Fighter: Alpha Generation". Despite it being a $24, 45 minute cartoon, I decided to buy it. I was in the mood to see something different like this anyway.

So I bought it and then drove back to the shopping centre near me to try out the nacho fries I had seen and kept in my mind from a few weeks ago! I also ended up getting a burrito because I feared the picture of the fries was a lot larger than the real thing, but it turned out to be a decent size. I was so eager to get home and enjoy the meal while watching Street Fighter!

I got home, and unpacked everything and settled down in front of the tv. I shared the chips with my mom. It wasn't as hot as it was, but it was still good. It was so much food! I managed to barely finish the chips after the burrito. God I don't think I'll have that much again.

The cartoon/movie was alright. It makes me want to watch more, but I don't think I can afford to start collecting this shit. I think there are lots out there to see and collect.

That gambling crave is slowly coming back. It usually comes back very strong after wins. The cycle seems like this: if you lose, you will tell yourself never to gamble again. If you win, even if you win back 1% of your total losses, you will feel like you can do it again and so you will want to return. Of course, you will lose eventually and the cycle repeats itself.

But even though I've won a total of $895 this month, the crave isn't as strong as it should be. I seem to still have that precautionary type of mentality. Maybe it's because of the huge loss I suffered last month. In a way, I feel invincible, like I've stumbled upon some sort of secret system that can get me wins consistently. But of course, that is a fool's way of thinking. The exact type of thinking that will get you into trouble.

I must stay away from gambling for at least a week, just so my winnings can have some sort of effect. The way I see it is, if you intend to continuously gamble, whatever mone you win can never truly be yours, it can never be locked in, never crystallised. Why? Because by continuously gambling, you are putting that money at risk, exposing it to vulnerability every time. Theoretically, you can really only lock it away if you stop gambling.

So what I'm trying to say is, I should at least let my winnings reduce my credit card debt for at least a week (to reduce the interest) before venturing into it again. Otherwise, what's the point of winning if you're just going to lose it back the next night?

I'd also like for it to be known that my winnings thus far have all been luck. I bet that the ball would land in my half of the wheel, and it has. Every visit thus far I have been able to walk away with a win. That is, very, very lucky. Because the alternative reality could've happened: it could've landed in the other half of the wheel just once, and that would change things dramatically. So I am very, very lucky.

I have been thinking a bit about that massage girl. I wonder if I had developed some feelings for her, and I wonder if she had developed some feelings for me. Sometimes when I'm walking around shopping centres or markets, I imagine her with me. I imagine showing her things which are foreign to her, and which she might find novel or interesting. I think about that last time we were together, the way she held me so tightly, was that real? Or did she just feel obliged because I had become a regular? Or did she suffer some sort of emotional problems and used me as a substitute boyfriend?

I also wonder what I should do when she comes back. I mean, if I book her, then she might think I have been calling up all the time to see if she's back, which seems a bit stalker-ish. The alternative is I could just call to make sure she is working that night, go check out the line up, she will be in it, and it will just seem spontaneous like that. But the downside to that is she will think I have been seeing other girls during her absence. The nice guy in me says that is not the way to go.

Thursday comp: 2-5-2

Wednesday was soooooo boring! We didn't have court so I was just in the office all by myself. I did some work, but it was hard to focus because of how bored I was. I received an email back from the prosecutions, after I emailed them asking for any news, and they said that the lady was on leave, so that's why I haven't heard anything yet. I knew there was a perfectly rational explanation for it.

At the gym I started rowing, did it for about 15-20 minutes. It's kinda fun, but just hate how it's right at the front so everybody else can see you.

On Thursday I drove to work because I had bball afterwards. Had a bit of an experience with the associate. When morning tea started, I was going up to her to talk to her about some exhibits. As I started talking, she excused herself as she had to chase down RB to say something to him. Fair enough. So I stood there waiting, and then she came walking past with the judge's wife to lead her back to his office. She didn't say a word to me. Nothing so much as "I'll be back" or "sorry about that". Just walked straight past me.

It was just a grim reminder that I am still a nobody. Respect is given to all the baristas, but I feel sols are treated differently. Going to law school means nothing here. This is, of course, unless you work for the prosecution. They are always seen as the right and proper ones, and defense lawyers are always seen as dodgy and shifty.

To exemplify things, I read this article during another break. One of the bits that got me was:

Last year, Neil Payne was a security manager for AMP. This week he is living on the street.

Mr Payne, 41, has been sleeping on trains during the day and walking through Hyde Park at night to keep warm.

"It's difficult. You realise people don't really care" he said.

So, so true. It is important to remind and ask one self often, who really cares about you? The answer may be a depressing one.

Because Mandy did a surprise appearance, Twish, Kate and I had lunch with her. When my food came, the lady asked who it belonged to, and I softly said me and put my hand up, but she didn't hear me and nearly gave it to Kate. Kate said I needed to be more assertive. So true. I really thank Kate for pointing that out.

After work I hung around the area and checked out some stores in the shopping centre for a team basketball. We had saved up enough money, and Dunnycan keeps questioning me as to how much we have, so I decided to finally get one.

Unbelievably, most sports stores did NOT sell basketballs. Rebel sold them but they were kinda crap. What ever happened to the good old days when they would sell rubber ones, synthetic lethear ones and then real leather ones? Guess no one bought the leather ones, that's why.

Anyway, I had to go to that specialist basketball store to get it. Haven't been there for ages even though it's so close to work. I always told myself I'd get that Michael Jordan DVD but they didn't have it.

At basketball we had quite a small team, as Dunnycan and Fab didn't show up (Abi is still in Perth). I'm kinad getting annoyed at Dunnycan for all these no-shows, especially when they're without notice, because he is in effect holding a roster spot which I could've given to Brendan at the beginning of the season when he wanted to play for us. But I don't want to raise that with him because it applies to me equally - why am I holding a roster spot when I have a season ending injury? I guess in the back of my mind I'm always secretly hoping for a return before the end of the season.

As I was nearing the courts I saw Macro and his girlfriend so I offered them a lift. I really like that kid, I hope he turns out well.

We played Soldiers, and kept it a close game for most parts, and even took the lead during the second half. But being out-rebounded cost us once again. I assigned Mike to box out their big guy who was grabbing all the rebounds, and Janet remarked how she doesn't think Mike likes that. So what exactly does Mike think his role as a forward is then? Score, score and score? I mean, he doesn't rebound, he doesn't block, he's always called for silly fouls.

I had to call a time out during the second half and give them a speech about wanting it. What sparked me was seeing Roger throw a bad pass which got intercepted, and he just stood there and watched. What the fuck was that?? If anyone should be chasing, it should be HIM! If you throw an intercepted pass, you should want to track that guy down and cut his head off. You can't just fucking stand there and give up.

So during the time out I was yelling at them, "YOU GOTTA WANT IT, YOU GOTTA WANT IT MAN, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN THE GAME BY WALKING AROUND". I could feel everyone watching and probably thinking I was going overboard, but I was just so pissed off at their lackluster effort. After the time out, it seemed I at least inspired Fat Pat as he played harder. Geoff was still his energetic self, and that's his main plus, that he's always got energy (although controlling it is another thing). He had an alright game this time, and I commended him afterwards as he and Mike did duty.

We ended up losing as the other team went on a roll and we never fired back. I think Abi is sorely missed. To make things worse, Carter got injured in like the last few minutes as he drove it in traffic and his leg got tangled up with some other bodies. He twisted his ankle and had to be helped off, and I could see when he was lying down on the bench that it was already swollen. At least it was his ankle and not his knee. I'd rather have an ankle injury than a knee injury any day, and I'm pretty sure I said that even before my knee injury.

Fat pat invited me out to eat, and I said yes, but Carter didn't want to go so I declined as well. I didn't want to be a lightbulb with just him and Janet.

Afterwards I drove back to the city and went to the casino, just in time for their prize draw thing. I figured that my best chance of repaying my credit card debt would be to try to win the thousands of dollars from that thing, and that my best chance of getting chosen would be at times when the least amount of people go - during weekdays.

I didn't get drawn, and thought I'd play a bit. I withdrew $200 and lost it on outside bets, then got $400 more and played on inside numbers. In like two spins I won it all back plus $200 on top, so walked off with a $200 gain.

On Friday we only had a half day. DC wasn't there because he had to look after his daughter, and won't be back until Wednesday. It's so quiet without him, I'm not used to it. He's almost like a social shielf for me - when he's around he can get everyone's attention which in a way hides and protects me from interaction. Yes, that's my introverted self speaking.

I haven't seen that hot para for a while now. Wonder if she was let go because it's the end of the case and they don't need as many people now. I remember talking to a sol from the other side and she was saying how busy they were because they had two people leave.

Anyway, after court GS left and it was just me and Rom Rom's team in the office. RB and Rom Rom invited me out to lunch, and because I declined last time, I felt obliged to go this time. Besides, I told myself, it'd be a good chance to build a better connection with RB.

We went to a pub and RB bought me a coke, and Rom Rom paid for the lunch, but I said I'd shout her lunch next time, which I will try to do on Monday. I still wondered why they had invited me to lunch. Did they want some inside info on my team? We half talked about the case and half talked about other things, like travelling, other work, and poker machines. A part of me couldn't believe I was eating with RB, because I kinda look up to him. If there was anyone in this case that I wish I could be like as an advocate, it would be him. He gets the job done without wasting words. Very, very professional. Doesn't smile much, but I admire how he uses words to express himself without the tone of it giving much effect.

After lunch we split as I went back to the office to do some work. I tried to rush from there to the casino to make the 6pm draw, and made a mad dash within the city but missed it by like half a minute. My legs were tired from walking so fast so I didn't feel like trekking back just yet, so I walked around a bit.

I saw that guy who lost a lot of money again. He just keeps getting $100 chips out of his pocket, I wonder how much he has. What he does is wait until the dealer spins the ball, and then in a mad rush piles down lots of chips on selected numbers, seemingly random. The look in his eye as he does it is really scary. It's like he's filled with this addiction/desperation. It really turned me off gambling. I'm sure I don't look like that, but I know I have felt that way on some occasions.

I saw another guy, Caucasian, betting big and losing. Caucasians don't usually bet big, on roulette anyway. They tend to bet small, on colours or their birthdays. He wasn't a regular, as I hadn't seen him before, and he was probably there socially, as he was with friends. I felt like stopping him because he seemed to get addicted, pulling out more money as he lost again and again. I'm sure he'll get a shitty "what the hell did I do that for?" feeling when he wakes up the next day, as I have done in the past.

Maybe it's a first, but I actually didn't gamble. At all. Watching everyone around me lose money was enough to deter me that night. Not only that, it made me appreciate how lucky I was to have won before.

I went home, grabbed my gym stuff and headed off to the gym. I did weights and a bit of rowing again. After that I changed back into my suit and drove to the basketball courts. In the middle of the night, in total darkness, I walked across the grass fields and onto the courts.

I picked my usual court and took a shot. I felt something I hadn't felt for a long time. I felt happiness. I actually truly, genuinely felt happy to be there. Even if I stopped at one shot, it would've made my day. I seriously nearly started crying because I was so happy. I don't think I've ever cried from happiness. I was just so grateful that I could be there again, shooting and dribbling.

The court was wet from earlier rain, so the ball was all wet and a bit slippery, but I didn't care. I did some close range shots, some dribbling, and even made a free throw. I was well enough to feign quick moves. I had a few attempts at one of my favourite shots (behind the backboard) and left when I made one.

I didn't hurt my knee, but I could feel that it still limited me.

I walked back to my car and put the ball back inside. I took a walk at Fox, and there was really nothing there. I bet whoever decided to turn that place into a mall is losing money big time.

I didn't feel like calling it a night yet, so drove to Coogee and took a walk there. I bought myself a spicy beef pide and a Solo and ate it at the beach. It was cold, but I really enjoyed it. I think sometimes, the peace one can get from being alone is very much underestimated.

I gave a seagull a bit of the bread and then headed back to my car to drive home.

Today I was woken up by my phone. It was my client, but he hung up just as I got to it. I caught the bus out to the city and went to the markets to get that bag for DC's birthday. I saw Rod's mum there, and she told me Rod was sleeping in the van, so I took a walk around, and even went up the street and back. When I returned he still wasn't there so I just bought the bag from her. She gave me a $10 discount which was pretty good of her. She couldn't get the credit card thing working so I had to go to the ATM across the road to get some cash. $100 for this bag. Although it's a nice bag that you can't seem to get anywhere else, I don't think I'd ever spend that much on myself for a bag.

Instead of holding the bag in a plastic bag, I decided to just wear it. So I wore it to the shopping centre nearby and checked out the movie sessions. I told myself that passing time by watching a movie would be a good way of avoiding the casino. State of Play was on in 20 minutes, so I took a quick walk around other stores before coming back to get myself a ticket and some popcorn and coke.

It was a small cinema, but it didn't really matter. Only a few people were there. It was so quiet at first you could hear someone at the back chewing.

During the movie my phone rang, and it was my client's brother. Even though I had it on silent, I had accidently pressed the 'answer' button when I had reached in for it, so I had to run out of the cinema to answer it. Funnily enough I had connection problems, and then my phone just completely lost power altogether. Weird.

The movie was pretty good. I was in the mood for a movie with a lot of story, so it was good. I was a bit afraid I wouldn't like it and that it'd ruin the "any movie with Russell Crowe in it is good" thing I had going on, but luckily it didn't. I can still rely on Russell Crowe for a good movie.

After the movie I talked myself into going to the casino anyway. I withdrew $400 and picked a table. I won $80 at first, waited a few spins and then won $100 more. I sat there without betting for a long long time, and then finally decided to cash it all in and leave. I was actually tempted to play some more, but kept asking myself, "do you want to walk away with an extra $180, or do you want to walk off with a loss of $400?"

I went home, grabbed my gym stuff and caught the bus to the gym. I got on the bike at first, but my knee seemed really stiff. I wondered if it was from the rowing or the walking in the city. It loosened up and the pain went away in a few minutes, but I knew I shouldn't push it too hard so I just stayed on it for 10 minutes, then went up to do a bit of weights and abs.