Salsa

If you're looking for a summary of the Sunday game, I'm sorry to disappoint you but there isn't much. I drove A to the game, and they were just about to tip-off when we arrived. I don't know why, because by my car's clock we were 10 minutes early.

Anyway, about six minutes into the game I subbed on for Yunk, ran up and down a few times, grabbed a long rebound, ran down the court and got an assist. Moments later, the ref stopped the game because someone else had booked the court, and so our game had to be called off.

If you think about it, it's pretty unbelievable that this could happen, given that we're playing a competition here. I was pretty cool with it, although the other team kept asking the referee about it. What was the point? They had no control, they report back to the organiser who wasn't even there.

While I was there (because the referee called both captains in) I joked that I had scored 30 points, and that female ref that I thought about giving a lift to recently laughed and reached out and touched my arm. Hmmm. That's a good start.

So on the drive back, A and I were just talking about how weird it was to come all the way here, play for a few minutes and then drive all the way back. Like, I asked if it was even necessary to wash my jersey, lol.

On Sunday night I tried to do a little bit of preparation for the next night. I decided I was just going to wear a t-shirt and jeans, with an old pair of work shoes. The next morning, I had to rush, so I stuffed the clothes in my gym bag, rinsed my shoes because it was covered in dust, and drove to work.

During work, I didn't feel that I was excited enough about it. Like, it didn't feel like a date. Yet it didn't feel like a 'friends' thing either. I don't know what it was. All I knew was that if it was NTM, my heart would've been beating at a million beats per second for the entire day.

After work, I went to the library intent on trying to get some job applications away, but it was packed with students, so I went to the shopping centre. I sat in the food court and looked for jobs. It made me appreciate the reality of how soon I'd be out of a job. In my own little fantasy land, this job will never end, I'll always have these lax working conditions, and I'll have forever to pay off my credit card.

But looking at all the jobs sites sort of hit me in the face - you have to apply now. I spent most of the time looking at government jobs, found nothing suitable, and then started looking through the police website.

I stayed there till they were closing, and I still had like an hour and a half before meeting Claire. I went back to my car in the car park to drop off my stuff, and then decided to go walk abouts around the suburb. During the walk I felt the need to use the bathroom, and so I started looking for a place where I could go. I didn't really want to use the library one, because I thought I'd look weird having already gone in there earlier, but in the end I went back there anyway, only to find that you had to ask the librarians to unlock the toilet if you wanted to use it.

Screw that, it wasn't that urgent anyway.

I then realised that I could go to the gym and use their bathroom. I had my gym bag, which meant I had the access card. I knew it'd look odd if I walked in and then out moments later, but eh. I could always just say I forgot something, and I never came back because something else came up on the way.

So I went back to my car, grabbed my gym bag to make it look like I was going for a gym session, went to the gym, used the toilet, and walked back out. I returned to the car to drop off the gym bag and changed my shoes. I decided I'd just go in my work clothes minus the tie. I could never figure out why I stopped wearing these shoes for work - they weren't ripped or anything, they were still in pretty good condition.

I got a text message from her saying she was leaving home now.

I decided to get there 10 minutes early because I didn't want her waiting since it wasn't that safe at night. I got to the corner of the shopping centre and stood around waiting.

[a girl walks in my direction and then approaches the ATM]

Hmmm...is that her? Looks kinda like her. Should I approach the ATM?

It turned out that it wasn't her.

[a girl is jogging towards me]

Hey, there she is. Lol, it's kinda cute how she's trying not to be later. Oh wait, this ain't her either.

[I see a girl standing at another entrance to the shopping centre]

Hey I think that's her.

She's black you idiot. You need to get some better glasses.

I waited for a loooong time, and then got a message from her saying she was just looking for a parking spot. I think I must've looked a bit suss, standing there on the street in a suit.

Finally I saw her coming towards me from the escalators. She hurried a bit across the road. I had two options: joke about her lateness, or comment on her hair (because she said on fb she was thinking about colouring it). She apologised for being late, and then I said "I was looking for a girl with red hair".

Hmmm.

She noted how formal I looked, and I said it was because I came from work.

Anyway, we started walking towards the place. It was like a five minute walk, and I just asked her what she had been up to (she had been at home all day because she doesn't have uni on Mondays). She asked me what exactly it was that I do, she said she knew my title, but she wanted to know what I did. It's kind already hard describing my job, but it made it even harder since she didn't know what a barista was.

I asked her about her other class, and she said she went with her friend (who I assume is female because the teacher asked her friend to bring a partner), and there were a lot of girls.

We reached the restaurant, walked in and then headed upstairs. The first level had karate or something, and we kept walking up. We saw some people who looked like dancers come down the stairs and they smiled at us. We reached the door on the second floor and heard some music. We walked in and saw a small group of people were already practising some moves.

The teacher came towards us and asked us to join, asking if we had ever done it before, and I said no. I must say, I was expecting it to be very awkward for myself, but they made me feel pretty comfortable. Some girl came next to me and taught me the very basics while the teacher was at the front doing the same. She made me feel so much more at ease.

After that we got split into two groups - beginner and not so beginner. Claire and I were put in the beginner group with the main teacher and about four other girls. I noticed there was only one other guy and he was in the other group. God damn, if a guy wants to pick up he really should come to a place like this!

The teacher taught us some very basic moves, and so we spent our time learning that, and then more time on connecting them up. When he would do a demonstration for us, he'd pair up with this girl who I assumed was South American. She had the nicest eyes and the nicest smile! I don't know why, but I kept on thinking about Sky during the class. Was this what it was like for her? Was this girl Sky herself?

I could tell she was no beginner, as she could go from slow pace to fast pace in an instant with the teacher.

I liked the teacher very much. He was good looking, but apart from that, you could tell that just by the way he moves, that he could walk into a club and pick up any girl he wanted to. The thing I liked about him was that he could move in such a sexy, yet masculine way, and not come off as sleazy. It was like he could treat the girl as an object, yet still show respect for her.

I thought that we'd get to rotate within the group, but I was just paired up with Claire the whole night. Occasionally the teacher would come and grab hold of Claire to show me how it was done. He is absolutely amazing, he makes it look so easy!! But when I try to do it it's so friggin' hard.

I wondered if it was awkward for Claire to be holding hands with me, but soon I got used to it as we were doing it so much. I did think, however, that standing so close face to face was a little awkward, as we seemed to avoid direct eye contact. Most of the time I was looking at my own feet anyway, but the teacher suggested that we look at each other's ears to avoid the awkwardness, which I tried to do most of the time.

When we had gone through all the basics, Claire and I sort of went off on our own and worked on it. I found it really hard to spin her. I hit her in the head a couple of times, lol.

This dancing really showed me something. The teacher said that with salsa, it is always the guy who leads. He leads with body movement and pressure, he basically tells the girl what to do and where to go, so when it was my turn to try it with Claire, it sort of hit me that, hey, I'm a guy so I should take the lead in life more than I'm currently doing. It was almost as if it was masculating me - if that's a word.

Claire and I kept going through the basics, and I must admit it was pretty fun. I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would've. I noticed that Claire has this huge purple birth mark under her right arm. I wonder if she is self conscious about that.

We were there for almost 90 minutes, and then it ended. Some of the girls came up to us and introduced themselves, and one girl started telling me about how she was such a capable dancer but didn't like telling people how good she was.

Ummm...ok???

The teacher pulled us aside and told us a bit about the class, trying to get us to buy a 10 week pass, but we just paid for the casual visit and left.

I asked Claire if she liked it, and she said yes. I asked if she wanted to come next week and she said "I'll see". I said I wanted to go for a drink but most places were closed, and then she suggested that chocolate place.

So we went there and I started looking at the menu. I told her that if I ordered something she would have to have some, and it was then that she realised I hadn't had dinner. She asked if I wanted to go get some proper dinner, and I just said it was ok, so I ordered some waffles.

We sat and ate as I ate my waffles, and she'd occasionally take a strawberry. We talked about uni, and I got the impression that she remembers me a lot better than she lets on, because she even remembers Spawn, the guy with "spiky hair". I tried to figure out what she did after the three years at uni and she said "are you interrogating me?". Well I guess I was, but I didn't press it.

We talked about the eastershow coming up, she didn't seem that interested but at the same time she seemed like she could be talked into it. She said she likes bowling and wanted a group outing for bowling.

She asked me about compensation law, and said she had slipped and fell at a chinese restaurant recently. We also talked about her old job a bit, and how bad it was to chase people up for debts. When I told her I had to do that at my old firm, we had a few laughs about how there wasn't much you could do if people just said they didn't want to pay you.

After eating, I decided not to let the conversation die before we left, so I suggested we leave. As we were walking on the street, she asked if G was working. I told her no, and asked her why, and she said it was because he replied to her fb messages so fast.

She asked me to walk her to her car, and I jokingly said no, and she kept asking until I said yes.

I asked her again about next week, and she asked if I wanted to try the Tuesday class. I said I preferred the Monday class because there were fewer people so we'd get more attention, and she said something about having uni on Tuesday so I confirmed that Monday was ideal.

We walked through the desserted shopping centre to the car park. It was a bit of a walk, as we went up to the top level. On the final escalator towards the parking lot, I noticed that as we neared the end of it, she walked off first ahead of me. Sometimes it's these little things that I use to determine interest level.

She said she'd drive me to the train station, and I asked if she could drive me to the car park because I drove. She told me about how after ice skating last time, she got lost and spent an hour driving around. I asked if it was her car or her family's car, and she said it was her car, and I explained that because my car was my family car, I'd get into a lot more trouble for wasting petrol.

In the car, we talked again about dancing. I told her that I looked up samba on the net and that it looked too hard. She said it looked fun, and I joked that we couldn't even get the basics of salsa, and she laughed as we approached the drop off point.

We said goodbye, and I noticed her car didn't drive off immediately as I walked into the alley towards the car park - another one of those little things I noticed (now I know how Ele felt when I drove off immediately).

Overall I guess it was an ok night. The ups were:
- she seemed to have fun during the class
- she did eventually say she was up for another class (and if she was the type to just say yes to brush you off, she would've done that when you first asked her)
- she suggested the chocolate place (she could've just said she wanted to go home)
- conversation during waffles had laughs
- night ended on a good note in the car

The bads were:
- she asked about G (see: her asking Shuing about me when he had dinner with her (although granted, she was actually asking him whether I had a girlfriend or not))
- she walked off the escalator first

I don't know why, but I keep thinking about a couple in the 1970's going dancing as a first date. Was this like that? I also think about Charmaine and Gallen Lo in Seven Sisters, and can picture Charmaine asking Gallen about his friends even though she had no interest in them.

Thursday comp: 2-14-1

We played Lemon's team on Thursday night. To be honest, I didn't even feel like going. I just wasn't in the mood, because it was like Sacramento against Boston - you knew you were going to get blown out by at least 30. And besides, my right hand has been hurting more and more each morning I wake up, and I just want to save myself for Sunday's comp.

Nevertheless, I soldiered on and turned up to the game at the same time as Geoff and Mike. It was me, Mike, Geoff, Abi, Mesi, Malik and Fab. To my surprise, we played extremely well in the first half, and managed to stick with them for the entire half, threatening their lead here and there with occasional boosts of momentum. At halftime I was wondering whether this would be one of those 1/100 games where the bottom seed beats the top seed.

But they came out firing in the second half, and we couldn't stop Lemon on the baseline. A few threes from them and we were buried. However, I was pretty happy with the way we played. I don't think a single one of us ever gave up during that game, and I personally thought it was good not to have Fat Pat there because I didn't want his sombre attitude spreading around.

I scored seven points, including a three, a break off an intercept and a runner where I could tell Lemon just let me go because the game had been decided. I sort of got a block on their tall guy when chasing him on a break, I thought it should've been a foul but nothing was called.

Mike, Geoff and I stood around in the car park for about 15 minutes talking, and then I decided I had to go. Mike was like "oh yeah, you have work tomorrow eh?"

Duh.

I really admire him, because he never seems to be worried about life, despite being unemployed, having no tertiary education, and generally having no sense or goal in life.

BUT HE SEEMS HAPPY.

And that's what's important.

Friday was a short day because one of the jurors called in sick, so that was the end of that. It was also the first day that my suspicions that this judge was being unfair really crystallised. He asked the defence teams to prepare a summary for him of where we were going with the xx of the computer experts, under the guise of him not understanding all this technical computer stuff.

But the real reason he wanted this was so it would be provided to the other side so they would know where we were going. Proof?

CW said he'd do it if the other side did the same, and the judge just brushed it off.

GS said he was happy to do it but was worried the other side would just use it to cover the holes in their case, and then the judge put on an annoyed face and basically said something to the effect of "so you don't want to assist me".

He knew he was stuffed: 1) we didn't have to do it; and 2) we had all seen through him. He then gave the accuseds a dirty look, which even DY talked about afterwards. I just thought this was extremely funny, because you know what the accuseds were doing when the judge gave the look? They didn't even see it, they were just staring ahead innocently, completely unaware that this guy to their left was giving them the dirty stare, LOL! I like to akin it to someone giving a rabbits a dirty look and the rabbits are just naively nibbling on their carrot, completely innocent and unaware of the malice being directed towards them.

I spent the rest of the day working on the computer stuff. Far out it's going to take a long time. I bumped into Shadi at lunch, and we had a brief, but restrained, chat about his new job. It was restrained because there were lawyers all around us, and some were from his office. But the message I got was basically that it was very hard work and there was a lot of office politics. I can deal with the first, but the second scares me a bit.

I went home with the two blue folders, bummed around on the net a bit, and then met up with Malay so we could go to the city together. We talked about this game we've been playing, but we also talked about the Claire thing. So far, he's the only one who knows.

We went to the arcades, and we were playing House of the Dead when G, Bob and Shuing found us. We then went to pizza hut for all you can eat. I really liked it because it reminded me of high school, and I love their pasta sauce. I could have that allllll day.

I didn't like the vibe I was getting from Bob though. As I stole glances of him sitting across from me, I could see the resemblance he shared with the judge in my case. It was like a look of disdain, the chubby cheeks and eyes snarling at something. It was like they were thinking about their teenage years, being teased because they were the fat kids, and now they were thinking of some form of revenge. Even Shuing picked it up, asking him if he had had a bad day.

During dinner I received a message from Claire. She apologised for the late reply, saying she was doing her assignment and that she was still interested in dancing and that she'd meet me there on Monday.

After dinner, we decided to go for a long walk, but didn't make it very far before deciding to call it a night. In the car, I again saw an act of typical Bobby. We were all squeezing to fit into G's car, and Bob took the street directory out from behind Malay's seat so he could fit his legs in, and then playfully hit Malay with the street directory, wanting him to hold it. Malay playfully hit him back with it, and then Bobby said "hey you hit my bracelet!" and because of that, he had to, he HAD to, hit Malay back with the street directory. I knew he had to, he just sees it as some sort of way to even things out. He can never be the one who is taking advantage of, or being disadvantaged. He just HAS to even it out, even when it's something so trivial.

And I still feel him stepping on the back of my shoes at times when he's walking behind me. I just wish he would stop being such an evil mother fucker, and stop being such a tight ass.

Yesterday I decided to work on the blue folders. It was sooo tedious, I ended up taking a nap midway through. In the later afternoon, I decided that it'd take me like half a year to do it, so I just went to Office Works and started photocopying it. When I got out of the car, I saw that I had received a voice message.

It was Ele, she asked me to call her back, sounding quite urgent. So I called, and in an odd way I felt comforted by her voice and accent. She was telling me about how one of her friends had just gotten engaged and was having a lunch tomorrow. I thought she was asking me to go with her, but she was asking if she needed to take a present.

Ummm...I dunno? Why ask me?

It was like a hens' afternoon kinda thing. I told her to just get something small, like a scarf.

I spent the next hour or so photocopying, went home, and then went back out again to get the work done. As I was reversing out of the drive way, I saw Grizzly and Semen, and asked where they were going. They were headed to the city for dinner, so I gave them a lift, and then went to the shopping centre near me, to the rooftop car park where I sat in the car and got the work done. It was tiring, but it was only one of two folders. I'll have to get the other one done on Monday.

As for the whole Claire thing?

Well, slowly, through texts, without one phone call, we've managed to agree on a meeting time and place for tomorrow. I don't have a pair of shoes slippery enough for salsa, so it should be interesting.

Moving on...

The idea that she was just trying to get me to call her started growing more and more on me. After all, it was a lot more consistent with her image. She didn't seem like that type of girl. And so, as I went out for lunch at 12:56, I called her.

No answer.

Eh, no biggie.

For the rest of the day, I half worked and half waited for something to happen on my phone. A sent me a few funny messages, but that was it. After work, I went to the train station carrying two big blue folders I intend to work on over the weekend. Some guy at the train station saw me, and after I sat down he started talking to me, using the folders as an ice breaker.

I wondered what his real motive was - was he after a sale, was he gay, was he practising his social skills, or was he just being friendly? In any case, I didn't want to talk too much because the existence of spies has become very real to me ever since I started this case. Luckily some people came and sat inbetween us which ended the conversation.

On the train, I messaged Malay back and forth. It was half organising tonight's meet up and half funny banter. I think if anyone was intercepting it they'd have quite a laugh.

Towards the end of the trip, I got out my phone and decided to kill the whole Claire thing. I started typing the message...

Angel Toey: Please, no, I beg you, I implore you, just wait until 7pm, you have to give her more time to call back.

Devil Toey: Fuck that, you remember that time when you were waiting for her message, and she just goes on facebook? What the fuck was she doing? Did she just read your message, chuck her phone aside, and go play on the net? You call that respect? You call that high level of interest?

Angel Toey: Maybe she didn't have her phone with her?

I put my phone away, telling myself to wait just a little bit longer.

On the bus, I bumped into that guy who I did a case with back when I was with my old firm. I don't think either of us had any idea of how we were going to get our clients off, so we just kept agreeing to delaying the whole thing, lol. So we talked on the bus until he got off at the football stadium because he was going there to watch a game.

I put the two folders in my garage, and as I walked up the steps, I began typing the message.

Hey look, you don't seem that interested so I'm just going to go myself on Monday, thanks

Send.

And Sent.

I don't expect a reply. I do expect there will be a short, hopefully a very short, period of mourning. But it's better to kill it earlier than later.

And now, moving on.

A draft 'fuck off' letter

Maybe it was because of the 'me time' I got last night, but I felt pretty good at work today. I didn't have the expectation of receiving a reply from Claire, and that was like a huge burden lifted off my shoulders.

I actually enjoyed court a lot today, despite it being one of our most significant days because it related to our computer side of the case. Seriously, that witness was fucked up for the police. We have a record of what our client did most recently with his computer, and looking at the log times, one can see that he just quickly flicked through the videos he had on the CD. Of course, because logs only show when a file is accessed and not when a file is closed, the other - less rational - alternative is that he opened one file, left it open, opened another file, left them open, and opened another one.

So the following basically occurred:

GS: You can't open two movies, or two audio files at the same time, can you?

Witness: Well it's possible.

GS: Well you wouldn't watch two movies or listen to two audio tracks at the same time, would you?

Witness: It's possible.

Wtf??

Judge: Anything is possible.

WTF???

So now, the burden of proof for the Crown has changed from 'beyond reasonable doubt' to 'anything is possible'. I love fair trials.

Everyone was actually laughing at that stage, and it was good, because any sensible person would know you wouldn't fucking watch two movies at the same time.

Anyway, after work I went home, picked up my mom and drove her to do the weekly tape rentals. While she did that, I went to the same shop I went to last time and bought myself a red tie. I've always wanted to go for that white shirt/red tie 'Hitman' look.

During that time I was also thinking up of ways to draft a 'fuck off' letter to Claire, since she still hasn't replied. I was thinking along the lines of:

Hey look, you don't seem too interested, so I'm just going to go by myself on Monday. Seeya.

Yeah?

Should I put 'thanks anyway' instead of 'seeya'?

Of course, by doing that, I am hoping that she'd just come along, but at the same time I am prepared to go by myself (I called the dude up today and asked about the classes).

Other, softer, alternatives are:

1. I send a message asking her to give me a reply by a certain date because I might have other activities on; or

2. I call her up and ask her.

A small part of me suspects that maybe she's a little traditional and just wants a telephone invite. The larger part of me thinks she's just like any other girl, wanting a 'challenge', which would prompt me to send the above draft.

I was tempted to send the draft today, but even in my insecurity intoxicated state, I know that you have to give someone more than two days to respond. I sent the message on Tuesday, so should I set the deadline to be tomorrow night? Saturday night? Sunday night? What is a reasonable amount of time to give to someone to reply on fb?

Recalibrating

"Do you want him?
Or do you want me?
Cause I want you"
-- The Beautiful Ones, Mariah Carey

Got to work just in time to see the client early so I could give him some CDs to listen to, and then rushed back downstairs to do some stuff for GS.

It was a little bit of a tough day today, bordering on being mentally exhausting. As I had expected, and to my disappointment, still no reply from Claire. I saw that she had time today to make a comment on her status in response to G, and then G responded almost instantaneously.

For the rest of the day, I couldn't get out of my head the feelings of jealousy and insecurity. I kept telling myself that: 1) you're the one she's interested in; 2) G is too much of an idiot to stand a chance (see: his Jenny experience and his new fb status about ejaculation); 3) you've told Malay about your interest in Claire, so if G makes a move, Malay will know who's right and who's wrong; and 4) that it was completely ok for girls you're interested in to communicate with other guys. You can't close them off to the outside world.

I couldn't help but remind myself of the Emilee experience. But each time I did that, I found myself reasoning that I was right anyway. All the clues and signs that I had picked up were correct. It wasn't just a figment of my imagination, she ended up running off with the guy. Hmmm...well that adds little to my current problems.

As I sat in court, I kept mentally planning a trip to the sea side to have a think. The thought of it was relaxing.

I had lunch with Twish today, even though I had brought my own lunch. She talked about 95% of the time, whinging about how CW loses everything and she gets the blame for it, and yadi yadi yada. But I actually enjoyed it, because her company made me take my mind off the whole Claire thing.

After court, GS, DC and I were in our room discussing tactics. DC came up with this new plan, and I could see that GS just wanted time to think it over, while DC kept pushing and pushing for it. I ended up adopting GS' approach in relations to my own problems - I wanted to step back and think it over.

I caught the train back to the city, then went home. I bummed around for a bit before heading to the gym. I felt like I had so much energy I wanted to burn. I couldn't do the benchpress because I was still sore, so I did some ab work and then focused on my arms. I mean, really focus. Normally I do four sets of 20, but tonight I decided I'd go all out, and ended up doing eight sets of 20.

Gym is kinda a funny thing. Sometimes I choose to go there so I can think about my problems while I work out, but when I get there, I'm always thinking about something else, and most of the time it's trivial.

As I walked back into the car park, a thought suddenly struck me: for whatever reason, she did not want to confirm.

Of course, it could be something as innocent as her taking time to set aside plans or whatever. But on the other end of the spectrum is her deliberately teasing me and getting off on all this attention. Somewhere in the middle is the girl who is unsure.

As I drove to the sea side, I wondered: do girls actually know that the "you want what you can't have but once you have it you don't want it anymore" concept dominates their mind in these things? It's not about how a guy looks, how he acts or whatever. If there is a guy you can't get, you will want him. If you know you can get him, you don't want him.

I'm sure if a girl was reading this she'd think "no no no" but look at NTM. When I ignored her after the last week of the semester, she was practically leaning all over me in our last conversation. And then now look at Claire. After I told her to forget about the whole thing, she sends a message four minutes later expressing interest again.

I had The Beautiful Ones on repeat, and kept listening to it as I sat in my car by the sea side. I closed my eyes, and soon it started raining. I could feel my mind recalibrating itself.

I took myself back to that last moment with NTM. I saw myself feeling her face with my hand. I can still remember her eyes.

I thought about this whole Claire thing. Compared to NTM, this was nothing.

I felt a trickle of tear run down the left side of my face.

"Do you want him?
Or do you want me?
Cause I want you"

After I felt my mind had been cleared, I drove off, headed for home. I wondered: why is it so damn hard for me to get a date? It's like I'm one step away where she only has to say yes, and I can't even get to that. What is it about me?

In any case, I had decided somewhere during the recalibrating process that I'd go into reclusion and seclusion. I was at peace with the thought of waiting for a message from her, and if I got none, then fine. The only question I needed to answer was whether I should just go to the salsa class anyway.

As I got closer to home, more devious thoughts came to my mind. Maybe I shouldn't even reply if she sends me a message. Turn this game back on her. Make her call me. Make her chase me.

November 2003

I was at the gym earlier. I had done three sets of the flat bench press, went to do three sets of sit ups, and then returned to do three sets of incline bench press.

In between sets, I found myself sitting there, looking at the ground and thinking. You know what I was thinking?

My mind had returned to November 2003, the last day of exams, after I had finished my exam, standing in the library, right in front of NTM. I could feel my heart break again. I saw myself trying to manage a weak smile. I saw myself turning around and walking away.

I swear, I SWEAR TO GOD I heard her say "no..." in the softest, most regretful voice as I walked away, as if her 'no' was not what I had interpreted it to mean.

Why can I still feel this way even to this day?

I began thinking: maybe everything in my life goes back to that date.

My Insecurity vs Reality?

I decided to keep her hanging overnight, and decided to send the reply today. We had some people come to fix the kitchen tap this morning, so I was waiting for a while to take a shower, which made me a little bit short for time. I ended up getting to our computer expert's place early and just played on my laptop while waiting for him.

After I picked up the drive from him, I walked to the train station and sent the message to her:

Me @ 9:22 - There's a salsa class tomorrow at 730, would you like to go to that? Maybe you can see how bad I am at Salsa first and then how bad I am with other dances later

Needless to say, waiting for her reply killed my mind. It was like I needed every second to check my phone. I got to court after they started, and was kept busy for most of the day because we're into the computer stuff now and it's all too confusing for everyone.

At morning tea, there was still no reply and I just dismissed it as her being busy and wanting to consider it. I managed to check my fb and saw that she had updated her status about an hour ago. So she had time, to update her status, and not respond to me. Well fuck that. I sent another text:

Me @ 11:45 - Forget it, something's come up

I was thinking of just doing the 'forget it' bit, but thought maybe I shouldn't burn all bridges.

Four minutes later, I got a reply.

Her @ 11:49 - Thats ok. Good timing! Just before i say yes. When suits you to do Dance class? You seeM busy:)

And like a hypocrite turtle, I sent one back.

Me @ 11:59 - Well do you want to go next Wednesday?

I sat in court for the rest of the day without receiving a reply, and I subconsciously got more and more pissed off.

What type of sick, twisted bitch is this? Does she get off on all the attention?

It's like when I want her, she turns away, and when I cut things off, she comes running back. Classic human nature in action.

After court, I checked my fb and found that she had sent me a message on it:

Her @ 16:03 - hey [insert name here]!do u want to go to the class on monday or thursday? samba seems interesting too,but let's do salsa first:) my friend said [company] is good, but i didn't find the timetable for salsa at [suburb],have u seen any? which dance studio u mentioned before for wednesday class?
LOL

So this made me think - again.

Was I just being insecure about the whole thing? Or is she actually playing games?

Was she really going to say yes to my initial invitation, or did she only say that because I called it off? What the fuck is going on?

And why does G have to post stupid messages on her fb page? I guess I better forget about him. Shuing said he doesn't think she's interested in him, and it's my photos she keeps commenting on. *shakes head quickly* Can't think too much.

Sho-ryu-ken!

"Sho-ryu-ken!"

For fuck's sakes that message tone startles me when it's right next to me.

She sent a message back:

"Hi [insert name here]! How are you? Sorry i didn't get back to you. Yeah i'm still interested in. Do you want to do the Salsa 1st Or other one?"

So much noise...

"The wise man listens to meaning; the fool only gets the noise"
-- Fooled by Randomness, Nassim Taleb

One of the great passages and concepts in that book is as follows:

Let us manufacture a happily retired dentist, living in a pleasant, sunny town. We know a priori that he is an excellent investor, and that he will be expected to earn a return of 15% in excess of Treasury bills, with 10% error rate per annum (what we call volatility). It means that out of 100 sample paths, we expect close to 68 of them to fall within a band of plus and minus 10% around the 15% excess return, i.e., between 5% and 25% (to be technical; the bell-shaped normal distribution has 68% of all observations falling between -1 and 1 standard deviations). It also means that 95 sample paths would fall between -5% and 35%.

Clearly, we are dealing with a very optimistic situation. The dentist builds for himself a nice trading desk in his attic, aiming to spend every business day there watching the market, while sipping decaffeinated cappuccino. He has an adventurous temperament, so he finds this activity more attractive than drilling the teeth of reluctant little old Park AVenue ladies.

He subscribes to a Web-based service that supplies him with continuous prices, now to be obtained for a fraction of what he pays for his coffee. He puts his inventory of securities in his spreadsheet and can thus instantaneously monitor the value of his speculative portfolio. We are living in the era of connectivity.

A 15% return with a 10% volatility (or uncertainty) per annum translates into a 93% probability of success in any given year. But seen at a narrow time scale, this translates into a mere 50.02% probability of success over any given second.

Over the very narrow increment, the observation will reveal close to nothing. Yet the dentist's heart will not tell him that. Being emotional, he feels a pang with every loss, as it shows in red on his screen. He feels some pleasure when the performance is positive, but not in equivalent amount as the pain experienced when the performance is negative.

At the end of every day the dentist will be emotionally drained. A minute-by-minute examination of his performance means that each day (assuming eight hours per day) he will have 241 pleasureable minutes against 239 unpleasurable ones. These amount to 60,688 and 60,271, respectively, per year. Now realise that if the unpleasurable minute is worse in reverse pleasure than the pleasurable minute is in pleasure terms, then the dentist incurs a large deficit when examining his performance at a high frequency.

Consider the situation where the dentist examines his portfolio only upon receiving the monthly account from the brokerage house. As 67% of his months will be positive, he incurs only four pangs of pain per annum and eight uplifting experiences. This is the same dentist following the same strategy. Now consider the dentist looking at his performance only every year. Over the next 20 years that he is expected to live, he will experience 19 pleasant surprises for every unpleasant one!

Where am I going with all this?

Well today, while at work, when possible I tried to be connected to the net so I could see instantly when I received a new email. And when I was away from my computer, I'd take every opportunity to quickly get a few clicks away to see if any new email had arrived.

Everytime I checked I was disappointed. No reply from Claire.

My point is that, I may have caused more harm to myself than necessary by checking it so goddamn often. I would've saved myself some pain if I had absolved myself from it for the day and only checked at the end of the day. That way I'd just get a somewhat big disappointment, as opposed to consistently accumulating disappointment, like a snowball rolling down the mountain effect.

I really do wonder what happened, and where I went wrong.

Maybe she's changed her mind?

Well she could at least be polite and reply.

But didn't you say that you preferred it if people who weren't interested didn't lead you on?

True, true.

Throughout the whole day I was battling with myself. Do I keep my pride and not do anything? Take the "if she's interested, she'll respond" route? Or do I actually consider this something worthwhile and make an effort in pursuit, at the cost of a part of my pride?

And I know she has received the message, because Shuing told me today that she was responding to his emails.

I was so distracted from work today because of all this. I think I'm experiencing being a victim of the 'hard to get' scheme.

I've thought about the possibility that maybe, just maybe, she wasn't asking me to join her. Maybe she just wanted some suggestions, intending to go alone? Anyway, here are the messages on fb that were exchanged:

Her on 17/3/09 @ 11:48 - hi [insert name here] so u r interested in salsa dance?:)
do u know any class to go at [insert suburb where I work]?

Me on 17/3/09 @ 17:49 - Yep, I only know of one near me in [insert suburb here], but don't know any in [insert suburb where I work], although I am sure there are some.

Which one did you go to?

Her on 17/3/09 @ 20:32 - i went to the one on [insert street name here] near china town.
it was a fun, i realised i'm really clumsy as i thought before.
are there any other dances u interested in doing?

Me on 17/3/09 @ 22:17 - I'm cool with any type of dancing, I'm just a really, really, REALLY bad dancer so I want to learn any form of dancing.

You don't want to continue going to the [insert street name here] one?

What times and area would you prefer? I can look for some.

Her on 19/3/09 @ 11:26 - hehe don't worry i'm a really,really,REALY bad dancer too:)
well with the one on [insert street name here] ,it's just bit too far for me. so i'm thinking somewhere like [insert suburb where I work] i can go during the week or on the weekend.
do u want to try few type of dance first before specialise in one?

Me on 20/3/09 @ 15:11 - Hey,

I've found some in [insert suburb where I work], these are the ones that either you can join anytime or they have a course starting soon. All are pretty close to the train station/shopping centre, and they seem to be around the $15 per class range. Some have more than salsa, but why don't you take a look and let me know which one you're interested in?

[url]
[url]
[url]

I don't even know what some of those dances are, I'm sure you're smarter than me when it comes to these things =)

And it just died from there...

I was also mad at myself in the afternoon as I thought about what had happened at basketball yesterday. I could just imagine the critics saying "what was a rookie doing with the ball in crunch time?", "Number 8 chokes - again", "Number 8 nowehere to be seen - again".

Fucking hell I hate myself right now.

And to make things worse, I just sent her a text message...

Sunday comp: 1-3

Man I am soooo sore.

I woke up at 1am, and then when I woke up this morning my throat felt like complete shit. My nose was running like a waterfall. I knew what had happened. That whole pack of chips I ate yesterday got me the sore throat which lead to the cold.

Fucking hell I'm so stupid.

Despite that, I made my way to the courts for a morning shoot around. As I was walking there, I kept telling myself that this was a big mistake, and I should just get some rest. During the middle of my warm-up suicide runs, my shortness of breath confirmed that it was a bad idea. I wondered how I was going to play today. Maybe I can just be a super-sub and watch Daniel do all the work.

After shooting around for a while, this guy asked me to join them. I saw them playing earlier and noticed a girl was with them. On closer inspection I don't think she was part of their group. It's not often you see a Columbian girl hang around with four FOBs.

The teams were me, the girl, and this guy in an orange t-shirt. He was pretty good, for half court. He made shots, and he drove it in hard, and he rebounded well. The girl wasn't bad, she could obviously play.

As the game went on, my mind started to forget about my body's weaknesses and everything seemed normal. I wasn't doing too bad, scoring here and there, but I was careful not to go full-on either, as I didn't want to tire myself out.

Later on these three guys wanted to join, so we made three teams. We absolutely dominated them. We never lost a game once we got on. After about like four or five games, I decided to call it quits and made my way home.

I had a shower and changed, and headed to the city to meet up with GS at his office. But prior to that I went to a club my mom was at to pick up some tablets for my cold. After I picked it up, my bus went past her as she was headed somewhere else. I could finally understand her using poker machines as a past time, and I found myself to be a big hypocrite in criticising her gambling, when I had probably gambled ten times as much as she did.

Outside GS' office, I stepped on some gum at his stairs, and an old man came out seeing me trying to scrape it off against the stairs, and he looked at me like I was the one who caused the whole thing.

Anyway, we spent like two hours working on stuff, with me sniffling away like crazy. I couldn't wait to get out of there because I'm sure I was so disgusting, and I didn't want to give him the cold.

I went to an internet cafe where I printed and faxed off some letters, then went home to change, and got picked up by A for our game. I had received a message from Daniel earlier saying he had sprained his ankle so he'd be out for today's game.

Great, there goes my day of sitting on the bench.

I don't know why or how, but A and I can never seem to shut up. We just have soooo many things to talk about!

At the game, I was feeling like shit during warm-ups, but inserted myself into the starting line up anyway. I started off well, with a left hand drive along the baseline, going up and under and making the reverse. I was slapped lightly, but didn't complain.

I hit a long three later on, which was a complete fluke, because when it left my hand I didn't have a good feeling about it.

We trailed the entire game, but towards the end it became close. We were only down by three at one stage. When we were down by five, Fat Pat missed a couple of free throws, and I did too. I absolutely choked at that stage. I got the shivers and my whole body went cold, I could feel goosebumps on my arms.

Even in the last minute, we still had a chance, but the bloody rookie Yunk made some stupid drives and just chucked it up, he'd over-dribble and lose the ball, and just do everything a point guard shouldn't.

I think he may have cost us our game.

After the game, Fat Pat said I was the only one who could shoot threes, hinting that we should've launched some threes at the end. In the car, A was saying how I should've taken the ball up myself and just gotten open for a three. In hindsight I suppose I should've, but at the time I didn't know bloody Yunk was going to do shit like that.

Hmmm...anyway, I've found Claire's blog, it's linked to her MSN profile. It's a public one; one which she has people reading it who appear to be colleagues or friends, ot at least people she knows in real life. Despite that, it is somewhat a candid blog. She hints at problems with guys, but never specifies the problems. In one entry at the beginning of 2008, she even says one of her goals is to find a man.

She still hasn't replied to my fb message, even though her profile shows that at noon today she uploaded a few photos of flowers. I also found out from Shuing that he emailed her asking her to go to the eastershow with us, and she hasn't replied.

I wonder why she delays her replies.

Should I give her a call, or give her some space?

Saturday
Faaaark. I can't believe they didn't put my block in the highlights video. This season, my Sunday comp has started putting together video clips of footage they take every week and combining music in the background, and I was expecting my block to be featured but I guess they weren't filming when it happened. Fucking hell.

On Thursday we didn't have court, but I went to the office in the morning anyway to get some work done. While I was working away, I wondered why Claire hadn't replied to my facebook message yet.

Did I ask too many questions? Did I come off as too desperate? Was she having second thoughts? How else would she get out of it if she did? Just by ignoring you I guess.

And then I received it. She asked if I wanted to try different types of dancing first before specialising in one. I guess I don't mind, but problem is I really don't know what other dances are.

Anyway, I headed out to the city at around noon to meet with GS and DC for lunch. I was late because I didn't know they had less trains at around that time. We ate at the cafe near Twish's office, and I got there all sweaty and had to eat really fast because we were meeting Twish's boss after.

We went up to his office, which was quite nice. A lot bigger than my old one. He seems like an alright guy, although I have a feeling he runs his business like Nom. DC and GS had a quick chat with him before we left to go to a conference at police headquarters.

Again, being at the place made me want to join them. Thsi time the conference wasn't as long, and we all pretty much split afterwards. I went to a nearby court where I set up my laptop and looked on the net for dance classes near the suburb where I worked, because that's what Claire asked for since the city was too far for her.

I found some, and then forwarded them onto her asking her to choose. No reply as yet.

I went home, then drove my mom to do her shopping and video rental. While she did that I had a browse through the shopping centre, and ended up buying a $10 tie at a shop I had been to before. For some reason I never seem to get any service there.

We had a bye, so after that I went to the gym. I returned to benching 20 for the second time. I think it is that which is causing my shoulder pains, as later on I felt a light version of that pain coming on, and I stopped lifting weights after that in fear of jeopardising any future games.

On Friday we had court, but it was short, only GS and I were there from our team. After court finished, I stayed back with GS working on the computer stuff. He left at around lunchtime, I went out to get something to eat and then worked for the rest of the day.

I went home after work, got changed, and then went to the city to meet up with the guys. I got to the arcade first, and played some games before G and Shuing showed up. After Malay arrived we all went to KFC. I suggested we all get one of those huge family meals to save money, but I think it ended up costing a bit more than had we ordered individually.

It was fun to just sit around and talk over junk food, instead of Bob's preference to always go to some posh ass restaurant that charges way too much for way too little food.

After dinner we went to another arcade place, and then we went to Star Bucks, then went back to the original arcade place. During the entire night, I only got one little sea critter, and G got two small toys. Man those machines are so addictive. It only pisses me off when the claw thing has absolutely NO grip at all. Grrr.

We pretty much called it a night early on, even though Bob was out at a work function and asked what we were up to. I liked an early night, cause it meant I'd get some more sleep and be ready for the next day.

This morning I went to the courts for a shoot around. I went kinda late and there were a lot of people there. I didn't stay very long, cause I didn't want to tire myself out for tomorrow (or maybe I'm just being lazy). Didn't really do much else, I had a nap and basically stayed home the whole day watchign Seinfeld.

It's day 6 now, and I still feel ok, although sometimes I think about it.

I wonder what takes Claire so long to reply on facebook. I checked her page earlier and her friend said she wants to join her classes! My plans could all go down the drains!!!

Sitting next to the para

I grabbed some Macca's for breakfast and was eating it at the train station while listening to my music when I felt a tug on my carry bag. I turned around and it was GS, lol. We caught the train to work together, and then went to the cafe with him as he got a coffee. I was kinda in a rush because I kenw I had shit to do, but I guess if he was ok with me spending time there then it was cool.

Anyway, I had to prepare our stuff for the phone calls today, and I had to make 18 copies, 14 of which were for the jury, and I decided to put it into folders and use dividers because everyone else fucking did, and I didn't want to look like a cheap ass legal team.

So about 10 minutes before court started, I went to the stationery place to get the folders and dividers. I couldn't figure out how the hell I was going to carry it back, so I asked the lady if she had a way, and she gave me a card board box to carry them. I managed to fit all folders inside and carried it to the cash register. The cashier just asked me how many I had and multiplied the number I gave her by the price without even counting. I could've said 10 and she probably would've believed me.

I carried the stuff back and dragged it into the office, and spent the next 45 minutes putting the transcripts into the folders and separating each with dividers. When I finished, I went up to court. There is this one juror - a middle aged man with a kind face who once smiled at me when he saw me before court - who always seems to find sometime during the day to make eye contact with me. When I sat down, he was looking at me, and I thought he was thinking that I must've been late for work. Ah if only they knew.

When it was our turn to play the telephone calls, I took a seat next to that hot para I have been playing eye contact with. As I sat down I gave her this big smile and she smiled back, hehe. I could feel my hand shaking as I used the unfamiliar mouse to play the files. At first it was on mute, so I unmuted it and then turned the volume up to full blast, and she told me to turn it down because it was too loud for the jury, lol. She said something else and I just looked at her and smiled, trying to take in the whole experience.

Each time we had to move on to the next phone call, I just leaned forward and used the keyboard to select, and then leaned back to watch and listen. I noticed she was fiddling with her fingers a lot. I wonder if she was as excited as I was. Or at least, I wonder if she was excited at all.

After I started the last phone call, my job had been done, so I looked at her, and said thanks with a huge smile. She gave me a smile in equivalent proportions in return, and I walked back to my seat a happy man.

I felt really tired after that. Maybe it was because of the stress of ensuring everything went right. Maybe it was the pressure of sitting next to her and not stuffing up.

I caught the train back to the city with GS, and then I met up with Bob and Shuing for KFC. We just talked about shit like inviting Spawn out to stuff just for the thrill of it. I had the Claire thing in the back of my mind but didn't say anything. Maybe I might say something when we actually start going to the classes.

After eating, we also checked out the arcade machines. I had a few attempts but didn't get anything.

When I got home, I watched a bit of 'The Farmer Wants a Wife'. The guys made it look so easy to go from 'friends' to 'girlfriend'. Like, they just started talking about relationships and then about the situation they were in, and stuff like "I'd really like to kiss you". Is it really that simple? Would that work with Claire?

Anyway, it's Day 3 now of my attempt to quit gambling. So far so good, but for some reason, I keep feeling that sensation I initially got when I first started playing colour chips, and in particular, I keep remembering myself using the light green chips.

The key to getting girls' attention?

I'll pick up from where I left off last night. The message I had initially sent was:

Me @ 21:17 - Hey Ele, are you up for dinner tomolo night?

I decided to go to bed cause I wanted to wake up early, but I kept my phone by my bedside just in case she decided to reply. Sure enough, as I was drifting off to sleep, my 'sho-ryu-ken!' message tone sounded.

Ele @ 22:11 - hey, i cant make it tmr, bit m free on saterday we shold arrange outdoor activity insteade of dining out ever time. what do u think?

Hmmm...so it's a no, but she follows that up with an availability date. That's good. But what does she mean by 'outdoor' activity? Does she mean just us and Tracy? Or a full-blown outing with the whole group? I need to phrase a reply to test it.

Me @ 22:15 - I'll have to see if I'm free on Sat, but what did you have in mind?

Ele @ 22:15 - touch football :-C

Well that's with the whole fucking group. That's not a good thing. Not only because it means she doesn't want to be just with you, but how the hell are you going to get Bob along when he's imposed this prohibition on her?

Me @ 22:23 - I don't think we can cause the others are busy on Sats, maybe another time

Ele @ 22:27 - oh...okay... i needm2 fix our internet tmr nite. so ill c u someothertime when u r free. gd nite..

Yeah screw that, don't reply. She'd rather fix the fucking internet than have dinner with you? Wowzer, great news mate! Don't waste your time on girls like this.

Moments later, I fell asleep, having decided (in the interim anyway) to stop caring about her.

I woke up relatively early today, got to work at the same time as DC. Twish asked me out to lunch, I said yes even though I had brought my own lunch. I think it's fun to just chat about the case in our own time at least once a week. She asked DC to come along as well, so he caught up after we got there and started eating.

That girl that GS tried to set me up with also came and sat with us for a while, before she left with her food because she had to get back to work.

I stayed till closing time today, cause I had to do a lot of photocopying for tomorrow. Claire had sent me a message earlier on facebook asking me which dance class I wanted to go to, and I pondered a reply.

When I was packing up, I realised I had forgotten to send a letter the client had asked me to send. So I decided to do it at the internet cafe in the city. I caught the train out and while I was printing off the letter at the internet cafe, G messaged me and called me saying he wa sin the city. He was actually only a block away, so I met up with him.

Shuing had already gone home, and Bob's phone was off, so it was just the two of us. We went to the arcade machines because it was 30% off today, lol. I put some credit on my card and then had a go at the gigantic skill tester machine. I wanted to go for the pig, but it seemed too hard, so I went for the monkey. I got a pretty good grip on it but just couldn't get it up. I had another go, and seemed a little off, but to my surprise it picked it up! I was fully expecting it to drop as it slowly carried it back to its starting position, but it never did, and it released it at the pick-up hole!!!!

I had won! I got the prize from the gigantic machine! You know how often people win at that? It's like 1 in 1000!!! Some girls who had watched were screaming, and as I carried it around the place, I noticed I was getting a fair bit of attention. The monkey is probably about half the size of me, so I held it in one hand and its head would bob up and down as I walked.

G and I watched some people play games, and I saw this brunette looking at me, and as soon as our eyes met she smiled at me, but my eyes passed over too quickly to react. Wow, girls are really quick at this.

We decided to split, because G wanted dinner, and I was feeling a little unwell because earlier, I had spotted some people selling unique licorice flavours, and so I decided to get the sour cola one. It was like more than two feet in length. I knew I shouldn't have tried to eat it all at once, and when I was about two thirds through I started feeling sick and chucked it away. It was too much, lol.

Anyway, as I walked to the bus stop holding the monkey, I swear to god 90% of the girls passing by made eye contact with me, half of them smiled, and one girl even said something to her friend while I was at the traffic lights.

Could this be the key to getting girls' attention and starting up a conversation? Not that I'm exactly the ugly type who would need the aid, but it's definitely a good idea.

The new old me?

I have decided to quit gambling. Yes, I know, it's like the millionth time I've said it, but I've come to realise all the downs of it, some of which include:

1. Duh, loss of money.

2. Reputation. I sometimes see people I know at the casino, and I don't like the fact that I'll be seen as a gambler. I don't want people to say "this guy is looking after a big case, and he's wasting time here".

3. Boredom. I have actually become bored of the whole thing, as hard as it may be to believe.

4. Guilt. I just feel so bad everytime I go, even if I do win money. It's like I'm not being true to the person I grew up as, the person I was, the person I used to be. It goes against every value I ever had - most noteworthy one is hard work.

5. Impact on life. I've realised that indirectly, it has caused me to become less focused in other aspects of life, like work, and most regrettably, basketball. When you disappoint your team knowing that you could've put more time into your game, you know you're in the wrong.

I'm sure there are more, but those are just the ones off the top of my head.

And so, today begins Day 1. No one believes an addict on day one of their supposed exile, but I think I made a pretty good start today. I woke up just after 5am, had breakfast, went to the gym, came back home, changed for work and got there at about 8:30.

Court was usual today, no witnesses, just listening to telephone calls. I think the judge is giving me dirty looks because I keep snickering and laughing from the back row. It's not my fault goddamnit, I'm sitting in between Twish and DC, who both never shut up, and the telephone calls are too funny. Like we heard this one guy call up the phone assistance directory, get put on hold for like five minutes, then when the operator comes on it's like:

Guy: Hey how you doing?

Operator: I'm good thanks.

Guy: I wanna find out what number I'm calling from.

Operator: Sorry?

Guy: I want to find out the mobile number of the phone I'm calling from. I don't know the number.

Operator: Ok, hold on.

Guy: Nah forget it, it's an expensive call anyway.

[hangs up]

LOL!

I noticed that Claire commented on my fb status, so I guess that's an alright sign. I have also noticed G posting stupid random things on her page. I think he might like her too. Fucking idiot. Why do I always feel like I get jipped in my group of friends?

Like, did I interfere when he tried to go for Jenny? No!

Anyway, throughout the day's exchange of emails, Bob told us he rejected a request to be transferred to another state. Then a few emails later he said he accepted it. So Shuing, Bob and I decided to meet for dinner to discuss. I was actually quite happy, knowing he'd be that much further away from Ele.

We met up in the city, and as we walked to the restaurant, Shuing asked him why the sudden change of mind. He said they offered him money. I like how he always manages to put a spin on things. Sure, I don't doubt they offered him more money. But the truth probably is that he wasn't on any current projects, and if he didn't take up the offer then he'd be out of a job.

Like in the restaurant, we talked about Tracy's tagging of that picture, and he said he interpreted "arrogant" as "confidence". I really have to give it to him. He is so twisted and disillusioned in his own self love that he can turn and interpret anything into a positive for himself.

They also took the opportunity to chastise me for being nice to Michelle. Bob said that she played the 'sympathy' and 'sleeping pills' cards years ago with every other guy that she had come across. I don't doubt that at all, but what am I supposed to do? Who is to blame if she ends up like Heath Ledger? Why am I wrong for being nice to her?

They of course tried to accuse me of liking her, and I said I was just being accomodating, and gave some very good examples. G wanted to watch Transporter, so we did. Bob didn't want KFC tonight (even though both Shuing and I did), so we didn't. Simple as that. If my friends want something different, I try my best to accomodate. Doesn't mean I fucking like her.

After dinner we went to the arcade machines, I grabbed a toy on my first go and decided that having a 100% success rate for the day was good enough, no need to ruin it by spending more money.

I was reading up on horoscopes earlier, apparently Ele and Tracy are really into it from memory. I'm sure that Ele would've looked up our star signs to see our compatibility. So out of curiousity, I did a check of some websites. Amazingly they were all fairly consistent in saying that we'd be better off as friends. The most accurate one I thought was the one saying that she was the more sociable one and that I'd feel left out watching her go out all the time.

For some reason this made me want to put things to the test, I wanted to see just how compatible we were. So I just sent her a message asking her out to dinner tomorrow night. What I mean is dinner with her and Tracy, but eh. I actually had no intentions of seeing her this week, wanting to keep up the fortnightly gap, but another part of me thought that it'd be too predictable to just see her once a fortnight.

Anyway, from now on I hope to be slowly returning to my oldself, the hard working, non-gambling me.

Sunday comp: 1-2

I just looked at my right ring finger tonight and I think it's fucked. It looks deformed. Maybe I should see a doctor.

Yesterday morning I went to the courts for a shoot around. After a while it became more populated, and on one of the courts I noticed it was two guys shooting around with one girl, all Asian. From a distance, I thought the girl looked a lot like Ele. I watched them a bit, and I thought that if Ele played basketball, then that would be what she'd look like.

I had pretty much finished and sat down drinking, and watching these three people. I could've sworn it was her. The only thing telling me it wasn't was this girl's glasses were all black rimmed, whereas Ele has partially white rimmed glasses. She did her hair the same way. The girl was playfully holding back one of the guys who wasn't wearing a shirt.

Am I going crazy? Or is that really Ele? If so, then who the hell are those guys?

The rational side of me kept telling me it wasn't, but I had to satisfy my ego. When I left, I walked past their court and as I got closer, I realised that it wasn't her.

See? You're just being stupid.

I went back home, had a shower, and then got some work done. In the afternoon, I went out to the city to buy myself a usb thing that would let me watch NBA games. The guy tried to sell me 3 years warranty for $20 more, I said no, and then he offered it to me for $10 which I took, lol.

I went back home and decided to go to the courts again, looking for some half court games. When I got there all the courts were packed, and I stood around for a while before some guy asked me to replace him. One of the reasons I was there was to look for a center. There was a guy in my game I was considering, but that all ended when he copped a soft poke in the eye and then fell to the ground holding it, basically crying for the next five minutes, and which also killed the game as everyone went home. Asians.

I started up another game, but it rained soon after. Everyone started running for their lives, and that guy whose name I don't know was like "it looks like there's a bomb, everyone's running", lol. It rained a lot heavier than I thought, as I walked home in the pouring rain, all drenched from top to bottom. I kinda liked it, it reminded me of my high school and uni days when I was still so innocent, when all I spent time on was basketball, uncorrupted by gambling and whoring. I want to be that person again.

I also watched Saw 4 last night. I bought it when I bought the Norah Jones CD. Those were two items on the extreme opposite I thought. It was ok, I think you get used to the style after so many sequels. I don't know why, but I could picture that jigsaw toy and voice saying to me "you've gambled with your fortune on the roll of a ball, now I want to gamble with your life on the roll of a ball" or something like that.

Today, I went to the courts at around lunchtime for a quick shoot around. I hit a lot of my threes, trying to focus on my form and stroke. After that, I went home, had a shower, and then went to pick up my suit from the alteration place. I stopped off at a sports store before that, half wanting to buy a basketball jersey, but didn't see any I liked, but I ended up buying a Roosters steering wheel cover and selt belt protectors which I instantly installed on my car =)

The altered suit looks pretty nice, I think I'm going to wear it tomorrow.

I went back home to change, which made me a bit late for bball. I got there just before tipoff, and just in time to replace that Yunk guy in the starting five. This was supposed to be the team on top of the standings, but they didn't look as big as I thought.

One of the refs was a chick I'd seen reffing a long time ago, she's kinda pretty in her own way, hehe.

We stayed within range in the first half, with Daniel and Fat Pat combining their offense to keep us in the game. I hit my first shot, which I thought was a three. When I launched it I thought it looked so good, I made a gesture with my right hand that it had to go in, and swish.

My highlight came when some guy started a break and I gave chase. I could've ran to get in front of him, but instead chose to time myself and line him up from behind.

Aight boy, I got you...I got you...

As he took off, I jumped with him and thought that I was going to be called for a foul because 99% of the time it usually is, but this time I managed to keep my body away from his, I reached out and smacked the ball right out of his hand as he tried for the lay-up. Everyone was cheering, but I just kept a straight face and walked back to my position on D.

We got blown out in the second half, mainly due to us being out-rebounded. We really need a big guy. They changed to man on man defence against us, but we just isolated either Daniel or Fat Pat which worked really well.

I scored seven points in the second half, including a drive ending in some sort of jump-hop step which some refs call a travel, and dropping it in. Also, I got thrown a football pass and ran ahead. The guy I blocked was chasing me, so as soon as I caught it, I jumped back into him and made the shot, and the ref called a foul. I felt his hands lightly on my hips, but I wouldn't have complained if no foul was called. I made the free throw.

I think people should learn to just leave me alone. I'm a walking foul waiting to happen.

Fat Pat and I did duty afterwards. It was that same female ref, and another one, who I thought was HOT, but when she came up close to talk to us, she looked kinda old. Maybe she'd been in the sun too much.

She asked us if we knew how to do it, and I thought "bloody hell, we do it almost every week, of course we know how to fucking do it". And then at halftime, she couldn't understand Fat Pat's boxes, so she thought we did it wrong, and after that she called out every foul to us (in addition to the other ref's signalling), as if to make sure we knew.

I said to Fat Pat, "great, now she thinks we don't know how to do duty".

After duty, I was driving out of the stadium and saw her walking along that long road to the train station. I thought about offering her a ride just out of courtesy (because many other people from the comp but whom I don't know have offered me rides in the past) but: 1) she was talking on the phone; and 2) it would seem a little creepy, if not sleazy. Maybe if I get to see her a few more times.

Cruel Intentions

On Friday I started out the day at Penrith with a mention. On the train, I had an immediate urge to go to the toilet, and I swear to god I nearly crapped my pants. I must now be the fastest person ever to make it from the station to court.

I was waiting outside the courtroom for the other side, and when it was five minutes before court was due to start I still hadn't seen them so I went in and sat down in the front row. After more waiting, I thought "man, this sol is really late". Then I saw Bush with a para pushing her trolley coming in, and she saw me. I said "are you doing the list today?" and she said yeah, and I said "I'm going to ask for costs", lol.

I allowed many people to go before me as I wanted to be the last so I could have a chat with Bush afterwards, but people just kept coming in and I figured I shouldn't waste too much time, so I waited until there was a seat next to her before sitting down at the bar.

While watching, I noticed that she made a few mistakes, most notably and perhaps least harming was saying her the surname she had before she got married. Then she called the Registrar "your Honour". But oh well, it's easy to criticise.

I told her what was happening with my matter and she asked me something before I cut her off in response to the Registrar calling for my matter. I just adjourned it and asked for the brief, and Bush said that there was nothing noted on her file about a brief, lol.

As I left I sent her a text message saying goodbye.

I caught the train back to Parra, and when I arrived at court everyone was going out for morning tea. Nothing much exciting happened, we finished at 1pm, but I stayed back to do some work. Like I said in my previous posts, I had texted Ele and Claire throughout the day. I think I received the replies while I was on the train back to the city.

Me to Ele @ 14:49 - I have picked up your grumpy habit of having a late lunch

Me to Claire @ 15:01 - Hey, we're having dinner at [location] tonight, come along if free

Claire to Me @ 16:59 - Hi [insert name here] how's it going? Sorry won't be able to j0in u This time. Hey whats for dinner tonight anyway? :)

Ele to Me @ 17:05 - well, im really surprised since this morning n was wondering y i had such gd mood 2day. u r ta reason of my happyness. :-) u took it away...god i love myself, i should issue poem book

Me to Claire @ 17:51 - I'm very good, we're having Shanghainese food! I saw on fb you have started salsa, should've told me because I was looking to join but I didn't want to go by myself :p

Ok, a bit desperate there.

Me to Ele @ 17:52 - Well if it makes you happy, you can pass on your grumpiness to me any day =)

I just thought that I was maybe past the negging stage and the humour stage with Ele, so might as well try something a bit closer to the line.

I went home, changed, and then went back out to meet the guys. Michelle had said she didn't want to go where we had planned, so when I saw Shuing and Bob I said we'd go to another place. They asked me why, and I just said I didn't feel like it, and Shuing said that that'd be ok if it was true. I could tell they were going in the 'I like Michelle' direction, but I just wanted to accomodate everyone. It's funny how when you accomodate a friend who is a female, then everyone starts raising eyebrows. I chose fucking Transporter for G and no one says anything.

Then Michelle arrived, and I said I couldn't convince them to change plans, and she had this really sad look on her face and went quiet while we waited for Malay. This guy was a fucking bastard, I swear. We waited half an hour, and in that time he stopped off at a bar to meet up with his friends before coming to see us. We decided not to wait for him, so we just started walking off.

Bob said something about our plans, and then Michelle started crying.

Great, nice work you fucking idiot.

I didn't want to go chasing her in case there were more rumours, and luckily Shuing had the decency to go comfort her. We tried to cheer her up, and agreed to stay in the city. I asked her if she wanted me to kick Bobby, and she started laughing. I kicked him lightly, and I knew, I just KNEW he had to kick me back. He is that type of person. He can never feel that he has been disadvantaged in any way, shape or form. He tried a few times but missed, and then kicked me from behind when I was walking with Michelle.

And you know what? He never even apologised to her.

We didn't really have a place in mind, but I spotted a restaurant that we had walked past before and said we should go there, so we all went in. It was a nice atmosphere, but the prices were a little dear.

We all ordered our own individual dishes, but shared a bit amongst ourselves. We waited for a very long time for the food, and Shuing made a complaint, which resulted in free ice cream, lol.

Shuing and I paid for Michelle's dinner to cheer her up, while tightass Bobby managed to get himself the available coins of $3 as change for himself. That's what constantly surprises me. He earns more than $100,000. He just bought a property, and he's telling everyone he's going to buy an Audi, and yet he's always, ALWAYS the first person to reach for the change in the bill to make sure he's covered first. Malay suggested going to KFC, and asked Bob if he was going, and Bob said he'd go, but just scab off him. Actually, come to think of it, I don't even think Bob shared any of his food.

After dinner we went to the arcade machines. G and I played the skills testers, and Bob completely ruined the mood as he followed us around and urged us to keep playing. I knew what he was doing - he was getting off on watching us spend money. He didn't play himself, but I guess watching people lose money is enough entertainment for him. I stopped playing and then he said "ooo, you're down 0-2 to G" as if it was supposed to make me play more. I just shrugged my shoulders and walked away.

I just can't understand how someone can be like that. He is someone whose blood is cold enough to step on, and kill, a live rabbit. He has stern views against black people. He is a tightass amongst his friends. He loves to talk about himself and is a show-off with no exception. Here's one of the messages he wrote on Michael L's facebook:

good thing you skipped today's session. 400 hooks, 400 straights, 400 uppercuts, 400 highs, 120 sit ups, 120 tricep pushups, 4 minutes on the heavy bag... if you struggled last week then you probably would've puked today. I almost did :)

Yeah we are all so impressed.

Sometimes I ask myself why I bother hanging out with him, and I can never find an answer. Although, however, I have stopped going to the gym with him

And then what pissed me off further was that Shuing had gone home after dinner but invited us to his place afterwards. Bob asked me to call Shuing to tell him we were heading to his place, and I told him to call, and he refused. He won't even spend money on a fucking phone call.

So G just drove us all home and we didn't end up going to Shuing's, mainly because I said I wasn't going.

After I got home, Michelle messaged me and asked why Bob was being such a jerk.

Ummm...you're finding that out NOW?

I didn't say anything to aggravate things, but silently hoped that this was only the beginning of her discovery.

Thursday comp: 2-13-1

For to mention that on Tuesday, we had no court but I went to the office anyway. After that I met up with Bush, Kylie and Shadi at the next suburb at the chicken shop that we went to last time.

We mainly interrogated Bush about what work would be like on the other side, and Kylie spent the whole time worrying about how another job interview she had with the same organisation but for a different position might affect her position starting on Monday. It was so silly, but she just wouldn't stop worrying about it.

And because of that, I didn't get to talk to Bush that much, but it was good to see her. I always feel so comfortable when she's around. She has this special aura about her. Listening to their conversation, I couldn't help but get the feeling that I was still the most experienced out of the group, despite having been stuck in this trial for more than half a year now.

Beforehand, I was expecting some questioning about Michelle, and I was surprised it didn't come when we first sat down. But after we had pretty much finished the food, Shadi said "can I ask you a question?" I half-thought he was going to ask me a legal question, but the other half knew what was coming.

He asked if Michelle was my girlfriend, and before I could say no Bush jumped in, shocked that I had brought a girl along. I said she wasn't, but that didn't stop Bush from further questioning me. I think I made it pretty clear when she asked me how I met her and I said she was my best friend's ex-girlfriend. I did notice, however, that Kylie remained silent throughout the entire topic.

Anyway, on Thursday I got to the courts early for duty. Then Marco and Geoff came, even though I didn't ask them to do duty. Then Dunnycan came, because he was the one I asked for duty. We watched the game before duty, and there was that ref who called the techs on Marco last week.

My god was he fucked. He was doing it again. He must have some sort of fetish for technical fouls. Lemon ran a break and was slapped when he shot, but nothing was called, and he yelled "oh what the fuck!" and he got T'd up for that. Now, I've been playing this comp for a while now, and I have always, ALWAYS been under the impression that it's only a technical if you swear at the ref. Otherwise, everyone else would get T'd up for all the F words that fly around.

And then later, some guy was chasing a fastbreak and had not chance of catching the guy with the ball, but at the end just sort of touched him at the waist when the guy was in the air, and that was a technical.

WTF?!?????!?!?!?!?

Man that ref is seriously fucked up.

Duty was fun, Abi joined us shortly into the game, and we had so much laughter between the three of us. We were just joking about stupid things, and Abi was telling us how he went to watch Watchmen and one of his friends asked "is this a porno?" because the blue guy almost never wore pants, lol.

We played The Boys, a game we clearly could've won. But I think having Fat Pat and Dunnycan return to the lineup after such a lengthy absence hurt our chemistry a little. We all missed way too many next-to-the-basket shots, it was unbelievable. We were getting to the ring, but we just couldn't finish.

My one was when I got an interception but their center never really ran up the court so he was already in front of me, and I ran towards the basket and he came for the block, which made me switch from my right to left hand in mid-air. I can usually make those shots but this time it missed.

I drove it in quite a bit, only beacuse their defence was so bad you could literally walk through it. When I got in there, I'd dish it to Fab or Mike, only to have them fumble and lose it. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Like, it's exactly what other teams do to us, and their big guys finish. But my 'bigs' are so...bad that I'm beginning to blame them and not myself. Cause I usually take the Steve Nash approach, thinking that a good PG can improve any team, but with these guys...hmmm. Maybe I'm just playing the blame game.

We did make a late run, bringing us to as close as eight points at one stage, but we never got closer than that and then they pulled away. We had that girl ref who made some terrible decisions again.

Some guy was bringing the ball up, Abi pressured him, the guy lost the ball and it went out, and she said ABi touched it. Wow. And then in the last minute, I got an offensive rebound under the basket, went up hard, got smacked by god knows how many hands, and there was no foul! She was right there and she didn't call it!

I yelled at her "that's not a foul?!" and she said "it was after the block".

Oh so I see. So after the block, you can smash, and basically kill the shooter, and it won't be a foul. Oh I see.

I seriously don't know whether she is bias, or just incompetent. Not even sure which one is worse.

It was only until after the game that I realised I didn't score any points. I think I might actually play worse when Fat Pat is around. I think it makes me complacent. When he's around, I kinda have a tendency to just pass it off and do nothing, expecting him to do everything, but when he's not around I know I have to step up, and most of the times I do play better than my usual self.

Breakdown (the song)

Well both Claire and Ele sent messages back, relatively positive I suppose. Might post them later. But I'm still depressed. And that's more proof of my depression - even when good things happen, you're still sad.

I'm listening to Breakdown right now, it's such a beautiful song. It encapsulates the feeling so well. I'm going to post the lyrics here and highlight my favourite bits:

Krayzie:

Break break down,
Steady breakin me on down, break break down,
Steady breakin me on down,
Break break down, steady breakin me on down,
Break break down, steady breakin me on down.

Mariah:

You called yesterday to basically say
That you care for me,
But that you're just not in love
Immediately I pretended
To be feeling similarly
And led you to believe it was okay
To just walk away from the one thing
That's unyielding and sacred to me

Chorus:

Well I guess I'm trying to be
Nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath a disguise of a smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry

Mariah:

So what do you do
When somebody you're so devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you
And it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride
And sing "I will survive"
Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave this way?"
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away

Wish:

Yeah, c' mon, yeah, c' mon, c' mon

Well I guess I'm trying to be
Nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the disguise of a smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry

Wish:

It'll break you down
only if you let it
Everday crazy situations rocking my mind
Tryin' to break me down
But I won't let it
Forget it ( forget it )

Krayzie:

I be feelin' like you bringing me down
Taking me around
stressin' me out
I think i better go and get out
And let me release some stress ( stress )

Wish:

Don't ever wanna feel no pain ( pain )
Hoping for the sun
But it looks like rain ( rain, rain, rain )
Lord, I just wanna maintain

Krayzie:

Yeah, I can feel pressures ya'll
But never the less
Krayzie won't fall
It's over, it's ending here ( here )

Chours

Well I guess I'm trying to be
Nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the disguise of a smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry - (x3)

I'm so lonely (2)

"Well I guess I'm trying to be
Nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath a disguise of a smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry"
-- Breakdown, Mariah Carey

I sent a text to Ele earlier, something about a late lunch. Nothing you can reply to really, it was just a statement, not a question. I then sent a message to Claire, inviting her out to dinner with us tonight.

It's only been about 90 minutes, but I feel so down because there haven't been replies. Even Michelle hasn't replied, and her recent messages have been short.

I am so depressed right now. This is what depression feels like - no matter what reality you understand, you feel that you're all isolated and that you're the only one in the world. Everyone else doesn't care about you. No matter what, your mind chooses to believe a version of events that's negative.

Claire put as her facebook status that she recently did salsa class. My depression told me, "if she was interested in you, why would she go to salsa to try and meet other guys?"

I feel like disappearing from dinner tonight, and just hiding away and crying.

Emotional mistakes

Yesterday I was in the city because all defence teams had a conference with experts at the police headquarters. Prior to that, GS and I were supposed to meet the others at a cafeteria but we apparently went to the wrong one. I was eating breakfast and he told me that he wanted to take up boxing as a form of stress relief.

When we realised no one was coming, we went to the headquarters ourselves. Seeing the place just made me want to become a police officer even more. It seems so cool!

After the conference I had coffee with GS and DC, talking about DC's earlier client conference. When that finished I organised to meet up with Shuing for lunch, and we went to a cafeteria at the bottom of his building. Meal was quite filling, and we got 25% off cause he had a voucher. I told him about seeing Ele and Linda on the bus, but we mainly talked about G. He seems to be a little annoyed that G is, sometimes, an ungrateful bastard. I told him how I thought Michelle had a misperception of Bobby, thinking that G was the most selfish one in our group. He said G was, in his own stupid way, in that he's selfish for stupid reasons, whereas Bobby is selfish for, perhaps rightfully, his own financial reasons.

After the lunch I went home, drove my mom to do some grocery shopping, dropped her off back at home and then went to the casino. As I drove there, I pondered whether I should give Ele a call.

Why? She probably wouldn't pick up anyway.

Yeah but, it seems bad to leave things like this.

Look mate, if she wanted to, she would've replied by now.

You know how sometimes in movies after two people argue, a third party urges one of them to call? Maybe I should do that.

I had, possibly delusionally, formed the impression that she had seen me look at my phone that day and put it away. I mean, sure, I came up with plenty of excuses to counter that (like I saw other missed calls, my phone doesn't display missed calls on the main screen, I wanted to call you back when I had time etc) but seriously, if you saw someone do that to you it'd hurt your feelings.

And so, as I walked to the casino, I called her. Why do I keep doing things out of emotions? If you think about it, gambling has a lot to do with emotions - it's emotions that tells you to chase your losses. Ugh, I hate myself so much for going back on MY OWN DAMN WORD.

I wasn't expecting her to pick up, but she answered it before the second ring even finished.

I said I thought she had been arrested because she called me and then never replied to my message. She said Linda had spotted me on the bus so she called me to say hello. Then she asked if I had had dinner yet. I hadn't, but I wasn't hungry since the lunch with Shuing was so filling.

I told her no, and she asked if I wanted to go out to dinner.

Errr...ok.

She said Tracy and her had planned to go out to dinner so we could go together. She said she had called Tracy earlier but got no answer, and we preliminarily set a meeting time and place. I pondered for a moment whether she was trying to set me up with Tracy.

I lost $300 at the casino, but I guess it could've been more. Oh well.

I went back to my car, and as I was driving to dinner, I got a call from Ele. I had a feeling she had changed her mind and wanted to cancel.

I answered the call and she said that Tracy was sick so she wanted to cancel the dinner to go see her.

Ugh, knew it.

Perhaps against all sense and pride, I offered to give her a lift to Tracy's place, since I was driving anyway. She sounded like she didn't want to trouble me, and asked if I was on a bus. When I said I was already in my car she accepted my offer.

As I drove there I realised I had my Norah Jones CD playing - how appropriate. I bought it on Tuesday, mainly because both Ele and Michelle listened to it and I thought it might be good to give myself an idea of what girls like in terms of music. I was quite surprised at how different it was, and you may understand this if you've ever heard Eminem. The pace was just so...extremely opposite, and peaceful. Now I can understand why girls react to violence and horror so much more than guys do.

When I got there I gave her a call and she said she'd come out. A few minutes later she came out of the unit driveway wearing a grey tight fitting sweater. I can't remember what pants she was wearing, but I remember thinking "damn, there's no need to dress like this to visit a friend's house". When she got into my car I could smell how nice she smelt...it was like a fruity perfume.

She said that now she notices my car is green. I asked her if it was clean and told her that I had washed it recently. As we drove off, she asked if I wanted to get some takeaway. I thought she meant just the two of us, but later clarified it to mean that she asked if I wanted to get some takeaway and we could take it to Tracy's house.

Errr...do you have holes in the socks you're wearing? And do your socks smell?

I said I didn't mind and that it was up to her. By now I had reached the point where I'd need to turn left for food and right for Tracy's house. She kept asking me what I wanted to do and so I turned left.

I drove to those mini-Chinese restaurants and then we decided on Macca's (partly because I didn't have cash on me and I knew Macca's accepted cards). She said she didn't mind, and that she liked Macca's - she even had it for lunch earlier. I told her that I had lunch with Shuing, and she said "what about me?" I just said that it was a spur of the moment thing since I didn't know when I would get out.

Anyway, at Macca's I ordered a medium McChicken meal, she had a small Big Mac meal and we got six chicken nuggets for Tracy. I paid with my bank card and then she gave me a $20 note. I refused to take it and she kept insisting, and then put on her pouting face and I just did it back to her.

She also asked me to get six packs of ketchup, which I did, but had no idea why she wanted so much.

We returned to the car and carefully got her seated without spilling any food or drinks because the girl just put everything into one big bag which looked like it was going to break.

We drove to Tracy's place, and Ele got to see first hand how bad of a parker I am, as I parked way too far from the kerb and had to re-do it after getting out.

We pressed the bell but some guy who was going into the building let us in, so we walked upstairs. Ele knocked on one of the doors but didn't seem too sure about it. I heard a male voice and told her I didn't think it was it, but she just nodded. Tracy opened the door and we went in. Turns out that she lives with flatmates. I always thought she lived by herself.

Anyway, I took my shoes off and was thankful that that morning I had decided to go with a new pair of socks. I waved hello to Tracy's flatmates who were sitting at a table eating dinner and the three of us walked into Tracy's room. Ele told Tracy that she should've introduced me to her flatmates, and Tracy said she didn't think it was appropriate to do it while they were eating.

We put the food on Tracy's desk, and then there was some discussion about where to sit. In the course of that, Tracy said "he's always on your side", and Ele said "no he's not". Ele sat on her computer chair and I sat on the side of the bed, while Tracy basically stood/walked around during the night.

Tracy refused to eat 1) junk food; and 2) at that particular time. So Ele and I ate away as we talked. We mainly talked about Tracy, and how she was having difficulty finding a job. Ele grilled her a bit and asked how she was going about it, I suggested Google, and Ele didn't like how I answered for her. I volunteered to have a look at Tracy's cover letter and resume, and showed her a firm on the net which might be looking for people.

The other thing about Tracy was the reason we were there that night: apparently she was low in iron, possibly due to her lack of red meat consumption and late nights out filled with alcohol. She told us she was taking a lot of pills and pointed to the ones lined up on the top of her bedside drawer, which included sleeping pills. Both Ele and I disapproved of that.

Then Tracy showed us some photos on her laptop she had taken from past outings. Two interesting things: 1) she reached a photo of that Spanish dinner we had once where she and Bobby are dancing. She didn't seem to show any awkwardness at all about the fact that she may have been a little interested in Bobby in the past. I sometimes wonder if she's truly that naive/innocent, or if she just has really good acting skills; 2) there was a group photo of that dinner where I first met Ele, and Tracy asked "do you know which one is her boyfriend?". I knew which one, but I pretended I didn't, and I refused to guess. Later it was pointed it out to me, and I decided that this would be a good time for interrogation.

Me: So how come you don't talk about your boyfriend much?

Ele: He's in Beijing.

Me: Why's he in beijing?

Ele: Working.

Me: Oh, is he coming back?

Ele: No.

Yes!

Me: Ummm...are you going back?

Ele: No.

Me: So how does that work?

She quietly said "we'll work something out".

At this point I had a few thoughts: 1) great, you've entered the 'friend zone'; 2) Shut up, there is no such thing as a 'friend zone'; 3) it doesn't take a genius to know that a relationship isn't going to last if both parties are in different countries and neither of them see eachother.

Tracy also brought up her upcoming graduation ceremony, whcih lead to my leakage of how I bought the DVD partly because there was a girl in there that I liked. Ele seemed quite interested and started teasing me about it.

Great, now you have TRULY entered the friend zone.

Shut up, shut up, there's no such thing.

When Ele and I had finished our meals, she offered Tracy the nuggets one more time, and when she refused, we split them, and Ele kept handing them to me one by one with the sauce already dipped.

At about 9:30, I was feeling a bit tired, and sort of wanted to get out of there because: 1) it would mean Ele and I would be alone; and 2) I wanted out of this slumber-party environment.

Ele asked me what time I normally slept, and I said 10-10:30, and so she suggested we leave. Before going out the door, Ele asked Tracy what she had to do tomorrow, as a way of reminding her to keep looking for jobs and not being lazy.

I drove Ele home, and this time we stopped outside her place and talked for about 10-15 minutes inside my car. She said she felt stressed and for the second time during the night asked me what I do to relieve stress. I, probably stupidly, told her that I sometimes drive to the sea side and just think. Maybe I should've just said I like to play basketball by myself.

She had concerns on her mind, but she said she didn't want to tell them right now. She also told me that she used to work at a kebab shop, and I took this opportunity to lighten up the mood. I said I didn't believe her, and I asked her to make me a kebab next time we meet. She looked like she was giving this some serious thought and said it wouldn't taste as good because the meat she would get would be different. I said I didn't care. She also said she would make coffee at the kebab shop, and so I asked for her to make me coffee too.

I joked about her being 51, which was a continuation of Tracy's joke earlier, and I said that if she wasn't wearing make-up I could probably tell her real age. She said she wasn't wearing make-up and I took my glasses off (they were making me uncomfortable anyway) to lean closer to her to have a look at her face, and then pulled back. She said she'd take it as a compliment.

I also joked that I was actually charging her per minute as we talked in the car, and she said she didn't have any money, so I said she'd have to start working for me. I thought about making a suggestion with a sexual connotation but then thought the better of it, and said she'd have to wash my car. She said my car was clean, so I said I'd go and get it dirty, and she questioned my logic of doing that. She also said, of my joke about charging per minute, that I always seem to talk about money and said "we are onl different levels". Sometimes I think she takes everything a bit too seriously.

I switched off my engine and then she said I didn't have to do that because she was going soon, but ended up talking a bit more. When she got out of the car, she said we'd talk on the weekend. I don't know if she means that or if she's just being polite. But I don't think I'm going to talk to her on the weekend.