A lot of negatives

Started the day in court in the city for the annoying gambling client. Everything went pretty smoothly. I then went to pick up some files. There were so many folders I couldn't fit them all into my huge trolley, but the guy forced them in, obviously not wanting me to make a second trip. He even stuffed folders into pockets which aren't even big enough to fit folders into. Because of that, there was no way I could get it onto a train, so I took a taxi home and left the files in the garage before returning to work.

I had lunch today with Rod. He suggested for me to open up my own firm and that we be partners. The idea isn't as bad as working for a friggin' triad gang leader, but I just don't trust Rod as someone to go into partnership with. Like John, I could just see him doing something behind my back.

I stayed in the office till about 7:30pm tonight, working on the annoying gambling client's case. It's actually quite interesting. And, you know what? We need to prove that he had serious gambling problems, and I figured out that one way to show this was the record of his points earned at the casino. There's no way I would've figured that out if I hadn't of had some gambling experience. But, it was a pretty high price to pay.

I spoke to Bush today on the phone. It was only because I found out that she was in a matter which was the co-ey of our client. We caught up a bit on the phone, and chatted away until my boss came in. We get along pretty well. I remember we spoke on the phone once, and we talked about me asking a girl out, and she asked "why didn't you ask me out?"

"I did!" I replied, thinking she meant it in the context of just going out as buddies.

"No you never!" and that was when I realised that she meant it in 'that' way.

So sometimes I wonder- did she like me? I suppose it's too late now.

I went to the casino tonight, and lost $200. Probably the quickest loss ever. I didn't even win one game. Anything that could've gone wrong did go wrong. I saw the unfavourable numbers popping up EVERYWHERE around me. Do you believe in luck? I don't know, but I find that whenever I wear my vest, I always lose. I'd hate to believe in luck, because it implies that there's a higher being, doesn't it?

As I was driving back, I thought about nurse lady. It made me angry and ashamed. Angry because she was so rude. And ashamed because she made me feel like I had done something seriously wrong, that I had crossed the line. What exactly was it that I had done that was so wrong? Is asking for someone's number really that bad? Her reaction made me feel so ashamed of myself, like I had crossed a line and went from a gentlemen to a drooling pervert. I feel dirty about what has happened. Like it was all my fault.

Would it have been different if I had said my salary was six figures? Is it essential for a man to use his status and wealth to attract a woman? What if I never do?

The other night, as Shuing was driving Bob and I home, Bob said "you should be getting a lot of girls because you're a lawyer". And then he added "no offense, but you don't dress like a lawyer" which started me on the whole "I don't need/want to tell girls I'm a lawyer just to impress" thing.

There's a lot of negativity in this world right now isn't there? I mean, what about that case where the father locked his daughter up, had sex with her, produced seven children with her, and burnt one of the offspring because it died. I mean, that's pretty fucked up.

Then I look at all the people getting divorced, all the people being so superficial and judgmental in our society.

Do you like where our world is going? Do you want your children living in this world in the future?

Today while I was walking to court, I realised that I really had nothing to live for. I mean, we had a client yesterday who said he'd rather go to jail than pay our legal fees to show that he wasn't guilty. He actually valued money over his own liberty. When did we value money over our own lives?

HK client's case is different. He says he doesn't want to use money on a silk because it would be better spent for his children's education. Ok, fine. But this brings me back to my point- what do I have to live for? I don't really have anyone I love, I don't have children. If I were to die, I know I could go with the satisfaction of not ruining other people's lives.